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I'm feeling like I'm more together than I was before I started therapy and that's a good thing

I'll report this back to my shrink on Thursday, it'll please him to know

I've been contemplating with the possibility of having these labels along with autism for years but...

I have my own reasoning why it is not because it's 'common with autism' -- I already debunked my own anxiety before I turned adult...

... So why not anything else that *looked* like a part of autism because it's 'common co-occurence', but it's actually an 'unhealthy add-on'?

But to some, it sounds like some sort of denial.
But to me, it's a real possibility.

The heavy feeling that I feel is not 'anxiety', it's something else. The exhausting feeling in my head is not depression -- it makes no sense.

Both are too inconsistent in my case.
There is no 'basis' or 'reasoning' rooted from such feelings or state.


I do not have ADHD;
The symptoms are actually coming from constant maladaptive daydreaming.

It is distracting, it is intrusive.
The inattention that I had is not my wiring, it's my psyche. The overwhelm that I had is also in my body, not my wiring.

My internal senses are stronger. However, all that sensory overwhelm is mistaken for something else.

And yes, I got rid of the maladaptive daydreaming. Overnight. And yes, it did changed my thought processing.


I do not have BPD;
It's just my body and my own wiring cannot keep up with it the 'natural inconsistency'.
It's just hormones. And it does affect how I metabolize stuff.

It explains why nothing seem to work despite taking supplements for over a month long; because my metabolism changes and therefore the effects changes.

Yes, I managed to even down my hormones.
Unless birth control pills are psychiatric medications the most commonly used, one of the cheapest kind and can be brought over the counter...

I'm hell sure 'BPD' is not this 'easy'.



If I had to go deeper...

Maybe this will be my new focus on top of learning skills that I didn't had a lot of chance doing so due to dealing with anything of the above...

Anything concerning language, which is my weakness. I had long accepted that this is a part of my own autism profile; to a point that I had to weaponized it.

I could question if I have some form of really mild dyslexia.

I skip and miss words too many times, my language comprehension seems questionable even at teenage years, and despite the previous addiction involved reading -- it did not improved me much in that area.


But I'm somewhat certain that I do have a form of auditory processing disorder.

Yet I'm not sure how much of this is triggered solely by stress and overwhelm, inattention, internal and external distractions (that went on for years unaddressed), a stupid habit...

Or actually is an issue in working or short term memory, or directly an issue in language processing.


One piece of clue that I have now outside these manifestations is my audiophile head.

I'm not surprised about this. I had it my whole life. Even long before I learned language even.
Being able to recall countless random songs in my head.

And it's very justifiable, too, knowing my environment, my culture, my upbringing, the people around me...

I myself am just like any human who may enjoy music but... Never to an obsessive extent.
I never had music as a hobby; even if it's one of the most common hobbies around me.

It's just like those stories; my head likes it but I'm not fully into it.

And... Since the stories are gone, it is now the strongest thing I hear in my head.
However, it's also the reason why I cannot seem to sleep earlier...

It's not that I want this to go away like the intrusive stories in my head.
But I want to know what's behind this random shuffled playlist in my head -- beyond the well documented studies of this particular phenomenon...

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I'm interested in the things I'm thinking that I don't know I'm thinking

It's midnight.

I binged contents that creeps the heck out of me now that I had to deal with it tonight.

This is one of the rare moments that I feel intense anxiety.

The type that can linger into the night, drive you into this state of vigilance, reacting even to any slight noise and feel some sort of tightness in the chest? That's rare to me.

Yes. And my meta emotion to this is annoyance.
Because it IS inappropriate; now is not the right time for me to feel 'too alive'.
And it reminds me of that one time...

Even worse; it's transmitted and mental. Far, far from real, sympathetic and may not even from me.


Hmmm...
I could use this strong form of anxiety as a tool to study with.
Somehow, this lingering feeling of panic gave me an even sharper focus and somewhat a better memory -- must be how that works with me.
An even worse multitasking however, not that I 'lost' that much.

Downside is this annoying feeling of constant vigilance, looking for that particular scenario -- that realistically and I am rationally sure won't happen nor is not happening.

I recommend myself to NOT do so too often.
Only as last resort to get even with academics should the day ever comes.

Not because it IS creepy-adrenaline-triggering that it upsets and shaken me closer to my core -- this level of fear tends to annoy the hell out of me to wait it out of my system.
My pre-pill self would've been very violent instead.

It can last for several hours or a day.
At least my duty time is at noon.

One, because it reminded me of that time when I was 10 and failing to maintain a routine simply because of the same feeling and that memory still annoys the hell out of me that it's this feeling that made me fail to maintain my very first intended routine.

Two, because it's not healthy for the body. Fear is not simply fear to me -- it's also anger. Fight is typically my response.

Three, it's an even bigger disrupter from the state I've been enjoying this past few weeks. Sensitive interoception, remember?

This also means different state -- as I said, ideal for academic and actually surviving something that's actually a threat to my life.
But at the moment, it's just another state that I don't need to be into.



Also...
Since I may not able to sleep tonight...

I might as well make do with it.
See if I can channel this feeling, uncover something else.


If not...
See if exposure therapy helps.

At worst, it won't work and I'd be as anxious as most autistics will be for a while. But I can already untangle myself from such, so...

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Update:

The most absurd thing was...
What this creepy fear is hiding -- was this deep sadness and mourning to whatever I witnessed.

The lives that were cut short, the misfortune, the accidents that did happened, their painful deaths -- and these people never get to live with their loved ones ever again.

...

So I looked up and say...

... If the multiverse theory is true, somewhere, somehow, in another universe -- they might've been saved.

Survived longer, got help sooner, leave before something bad happened, or that the tragedies never happened to begin with.
Get to live their lives with their love ones, happily ever after.

And as for 'me' -- if the theory of quantum immortality is true; then such painful and tragic death won't happen in this lifetime that my consciousness is witnessing.

Conversely, in another universe -- where I'm not witnessing -- that might be untrue; that in that world, such versions of me do not possess the luck that I have in this life.

And in case of my loved ones...
... It's a reason that I should spend more time with them and cherish them.


Hah.
Telling such theories to my inner child as a form of comfort.

And tell my inner child to pray that theory is true.
But nonetheless, pray for the missing or lost souls.


Certain creepy imagery and doom based thoughts stops.
The music in my head became louder and dominant again.


Still somewhat raw and hypervigilant though.
Sudden noises culprit all night is the damn dog.

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I think I've got imaginary friend syndrome

My thoughts are really loud and I oft can’t tell them apart from audio. What makes this worse is that I have intrusive thoughts and my audio processing is horrible so I have two separate problems that come from loud thought.

I'm off BCs for a while. Dealing with female stuff.
I don't know how much of my executive function is reliant on estrogen levels.

I've yet to determine how much improvement I got since I lost the maladaptive daydreaming.

But here's most certain; I suck at naturally dealing with stress.
My bodily changes are more stressful than anything around me in transition. The worst part is that I'd still don't know until it's too late; I'd still keep pushing when I couldn't or shouldn't.


Regardless.
This 'break' is disruptive of my plans.

Because internally, I'm still 'adjusting' -- this subconscious layer of adjusting; which can take weeks.
But this stupid state will be over before I'm internally start adjusting to it.


I want to know if this... Slow internal adjustment is another hindering hidden complex to solve, an underdevelopment that I lacked prerequisite or space to practice, or actually a part of my wiring.


...
....
.....

After scouring the internet -- having a random shuffle in one's head seems fairly common and normal.

Yet... No solutions to get rid of it.

I myself have a control over it.
Sometimes I mix and match certain music into it's own remix sometimes I can compose entirely new music.

But there's no pause button...
Hmm...

Should I attempt to 'stop' this myself?
I meant in a more permanent basis; to gain a pause button if it's still on automatic, not get rid of it entirely.

Because it's still the loudest thing in my head.
It's not very distracting, nor is distressing but...

... I'm just wondering if... What's behind 'this' thing..?

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My shrink said some really nice things to me today

I'm coming towards the end of my treatment so he's preparing me for the big wide world

Thanks man that means a lot

I really did succeeded gaining some sort of pause button over my random music shuffle.

But it was temporary. It lasted, like, 2 minutes as soon as I wake up.

Also, it 'moved'.
It used to be somewhere at my right side of my head near the right prefrontal cortex -- and I can still control it.
The persistent music 'went' or 'ignited' at the left back of my head near where the maladaptive daydreams used to play itself.

At the moment, the lower left side of my head is persistently playing one specific song and couldn't switch manually.
The weirdest thing is that -- I can now hear TWO overlapping shuffles since I can just outblast from the upper right side of my head.

It's like... Like some split brain patient able to draw with two hands separately.
IT'S FRICKING WEIRD.

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