Why can't I pretend to be normal like some aspies can?

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I'm going to tell you why. Because what you call normal does not exist.
You cannot be something that does not exist
Therefore, you can not be normal.

Look around you, those people that you call normal. Each of them have they own way of dealing with things, they own obsetion. Each of them is unique. It's not you and them, it's you, and de person you are talking to.

As long as you will try to be normal you will concidered as a freak because all your effort will be focused on behaving in a certain way which is not a way, it's just nothing, an empty concept. What you call normal it just following your heart and not giving a f**k about the rest.

It is very important that you understand this.

However, if you are insecure people will feel it and they will hate you for that. Actually they won't even hate you, they will ignore you, like you don't exist.

So stop being normal, show people the real you and stop struggeling patheticly for being normal.

First time I tried to be normal was when I was ten. It was exhausting. But then I'd be myself when I be home.

I consider myself normal. I can pass off as normal because you can't tell I have AS just by looking at me or seeing me for a few minutes. If you see me all the time, you can tell or maybe not. You might think I was rude or something or anxious or shy or not very smart or that I don't like anyone. But would you think I had something wrong with me? I just be myself and I don't care what others think. There is no such thing as normal. I will try and be polite and not interrupt and try and not display rude behavior. But sometimes it's hard if my anxiety or stress level is too high.

People on the spectrum are by no means alike. What may be easy for one person can be challenging for another...even if they have the same diagnosis. I believe that with appropriate interventions and support, many people with AS can fake being normal to a certain extent...with emphasis on a certain extent. What I mean by this is that even though they may have learned to fake things convincingly, it does not mean that the other parts of their lives will ever become as perfect or polished.

They may be able to fake being normal, but you don't see what goes on underneath the surface. You don't see the anxiety and depression going on because they have pushed themselves too hard. You don't see the negative thoughts racing through their head every waking minute or know that they wanted to kill themselves at several points in their life and have been hospitalized. If it is not the social stuff bringing them down, it's the massive mental health issues that develop from having to adapt to a world that does not accept their differences on the inside.

The point is, appearances are just that: what you see on the outside, and it does not mean they are not falling apart on the inside.

I think people who are good at pretending are those subset of aspies who have good memories and excel at mimicking others. I think I'm one of them. Unfortunately the switch is not always "on". If I'm tired, anxious, cranky or just feeling dumb I can't do it. Sometimes after watching a movie or something I get a temporary "high" and feel really talkative in the middle of the night. Then I want to talk about deep, complicated stuff with whoever would listen because I was feeling so articulate. It drives my family nuts. I wish I can just turn it on and off as needed.

You can train yourself to talk well by practicing a lot, and make talking as expected as a habit. Build up a large "stock phrases" database and use them as needed. Sure you might sound boring, but it's not like most other people sound interesting either. At least people would feel comfortable around you because they know you'll saying things expected. Do listen carefully, though and don't use the wrong "stock phrase".

Have you tried taking acting lessons? They worked for me!

This song used to really disturb me because I heard that bolded bit and thought they literally meant she had someone's face in a jar by the door, and that she literally wore it.

I don't know about you, but some of us are very honest and don't like to lie, and pretending is, in a way, lying.

I am generally very quiet as if I don't say anything I won't stand out. I have learnt to do a number of things that make it easier to get on with people such as smiling or sounding interested in what they are doing.

I mimic other people and learn things from experience. I have a large number of rules of what to do but it falls apart when I am tired/stressed and I find somewhere to hide away from people.

I sometimes do feel like a terrible person. I hate fake business people who ask how you are in an empty way and do it myself. In some ways it is more like making an adjustment for NT people as they can only function if you play by their rules. I find I get on with most people, particularly when I talk more and say what is going round in my head rather than keeping it to myself.

I would like to get on with people and this helps. I have found a few people who do accept me with AS and for the rest I can pretend to be NT. If I explain what is going on my husband will go from confused to amused and we make more of a connection.

If you wanted to know the process, when someone asks me something I stop and process what they have said and try and work out their intentions. This means I am a bit slower than NT and struggle with multiple people at once or if there are distractions such as background noise. Was it literal, was it sarcasm, was it a joke, did they really mean that or were they having a bad day, do they have a hidden agenda e.g. they are competing with a colleague for promotion. I observe people. People will talk about something beforehand, during and after so before they have done it you make a note to ask them after they have done the thing. I see what their opinions are and what they like and try and throw some of these things in occasionally, or find common ground such as they like cats and I like animals in general. People like bitching about colleagues and bosses. I form a databank of what is expected and consciously think through and try and work things out.

I never figured out the act of mimicking other people. I've always been a quiet outside observer ever since I was a little kid. I read body language waay better then I show it. But Ive gotten better because of my job. The most pretending I do, I learned at my work. The pretending that Im interested in what your saying act. See I work at Safeway where customer service is everything. So we got a lotta customers that love to make conversation with the employees. So I end up listening to customers talk, I fake Im interested when Im often not. Its only for brief spurts, so its not bad.

Yeah, and she gets her hair out of a bottle.

I suppose I never noticed it because it was so common for women and girls my age not to go out of the house until they put their face on, and they said so. _Never_ be seen without your make-up! The hippies put an end to that for every class. Sometimes they wore bizarre makeup for fun, (like Goth, now), but the standard was nothing.

While there really is no normal, sometimes to function & survive in a NT world (like at a job), it may be necessary to act like a NT. The same may hold true in a social situation. I have found that acting, if anything, is a survival tool to help me get through different situations, but it can be exhausting.

We are all individuals living in different situations, so not everyone will need/want to pretend to be something else. There is no right or wrong way.

Yes, I feel this, too. I see every act I made to make someone comfortable as a lie. It's a Catch-22: I know they will be comforted if I act "normal" (yes, there is no such thing, but there are normal social conventions) but I will suffer anxiety and depression as a result.

I haven't figured out the answer. I'd love to hear more ideas.

Me as well.

I'm serious.

Disregarding that, since you are not going to go and suddenly start taking acting lessons because an internet person has told you so...

The key is giving a f***, pardon my french.

You wish to have positive social interactions? You assume that attempting to have positive social interactions may result in this, with practice.

I do not believe this works very well.

I prioritized the emotional states of others as being of tantamount concern to me. I wish them to be positive, and this is projected outward, clearly, as it is not a lie. Sometimes my autism interferes with this process (autism sucks alot). People will usually assist you in assisting them.

If you care about someone's emotional state, you will be more aware of it.

This is not the same as someones's intellectual state... aka... what they are thinking.


Caring about what others think to benefit yourself?

The system works better if you care about others to benefit them.


I've noticed that people can sometimes see through me more than i expect. I think this is because i have autism.
Don't assume that your intentions are not see-thru.
If you only want to get along with other people, and not cause a fuss, why would they help you accomplish this? There's nothing in it for them.
This is not to say that normal people are selfish and evil.
I'm just being realistic.

Relationships are formed by mutual aid, generally. Right? Right. I think so. Meh.
You require aid in social navigation due to autism?
Offer compassion.
I do it.
It's my solution, or possibly an ethos. Hell if i know. I'm weird. Autism. Lol.

I wonder about what the OP (from more than 3 years ago) is saying, too. I can't even start imagining how I could act as a "normal" person. In most situations I'm judged as a weirdo instantly. If I could pretend to be "normal", I would be doing that all the time. I do get exhausted after being with people, not because of "acting normal", but because of being treated as a weirdo.

I think you have some concepts confused, original poster. People don't temporarily increase their abilities to interact with people. It is not a switch you turn on and off. Over time, if you are make a conscious effort, you can learn the appropriate responses when in particular situations. Having AS does not mean we cannot learn social behavior. It just means that we don't naturally act the way NT's act.

I have learned enough about NT social behavior to function in my day to day life. I have learned through social blunder after social blunder and through coaching from NT's who care about me.

However, big problems occur when I get past the superficiality that takes place in the work environment. Once somebody gets to know me and expects me to act as a friend, family member, or lover (any kind of intimate relationship), they quickly see that I am different. With informal relationships, there is no script you can learn and follow. The unwritten rules and expectations go way over my head. I don't get tired when in these situations. I get frustrated and feel guilty most of the time because I feel like I am doing something wrong and hurting the other person unintentionally. I generally avoid intimate relationships for this reason. They are too confusing and painful.

I have no idea how to fake being NT....but i don't always act exactly the same in every situation. I mean much of the time when I feel like crap and my depression is really dragging me down I just act like I'm fine because trying to explain it would cause more stress then putting on a more neutral front. I am more open and talkative with people I know well like family members or close friends, and more quiet and reserved around new people. Much of the time people probably notice I am dressed like an 80's thrasher metalhead, a hippie, a doom metal metalhead(hippie+metalhead), a goth or just plain weird before they notice I myself come off as unusual.

If I dressed normal I'd seem weirder...since people would expect 'normal' if that makes any sense.