Self Indenity Crisis

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I'm torn of who I want to be, deep inside I am a sweet, good natured, very kind, generous, humorous type of guy, optimist and if not a little goofy. This side of my personality is deep poetic soul, who enjoys classical and latin music. This side of my personality was the one which got the social group off the ground, because he cared deeply for his fellow Aspies.

But a lot of the time I hate these aspects of myself because I feel others view me as weak and as a p****, I want people to see me as a strong, determined and in control. I also feel I am too kind like my father and that kindness is going allow people to take advantage of me and ruin my life like it ruined my father.

I want to succeed in life and not have bad people ruin it like they did to my father's, to become a tough, ruthless, in control, determined guy would protect me from being taken advantage by unsavory people. The events I experienced growing up have stripped my innocence from me. It has also given me a huge amount of anger, will power and determination. This aspects of my personality likes to enjoy hardcore rap and hip-hop and watch gritty, ultra violent, but intelligent films and television series.

I dunno if I can ever strike a balance between these clashing aspects of my personality. but right now I want to be the tough guy.

I notice you're from Australia, where I hear the male culture is very strong. If I'm correct in this stereotype, could that be one of the things making life more complicated for you?

Yes it is.

Perhaps you're suffering in part from "the tyranny of the should" - how you think you SHOULD feel and act as opposed to how you want to act.

I'd say go with your gut on what you want, and forget all the shoulds people and society expect of us.

I've never really cared too much for the opinions of others, I just feel like I want to be a tough guy, because it will be protect me from having my life ruined or people taking advantage of me. I am a total control freak

I'd say buy a firearm.

No, really...

You can be nice, while not letting people take advantage of you. You don't have to be a "tough guy" for this. I'd suggest maybe taking it up with a therapist.

As a practicing alien, I suggest that ALL aliens have a therapist tuned into aspergers. They act as an intermediate or "translator" between aliens and earthlings.

A word of caution about trying to be what you are naturally not - it may end up making you mentally exhausted with the energy required to keep up the pretence. At worst, it may end up tearing you apart with the internal conflict.

Before getting an understanding of who I was, I made the mistake myself of trying to suppress internal conflict and do things against my nature in an attempt to fit in. I ended up getting very depressed

Now I've accepted that I'm not like 90% of other people and that I don't need to live like that I'm a lot happier. The trade off though is that I'm a very isolated and individual person because I make little effort to reach out and maintain a social network.

You say you are concerned about be used by people. I agree that it will occur, people generally are like that. Depending on what you want to achieve in life, this is easily overcome by distrusting everyone and having good defences.

Oops, double posted.

From your post I get the idea that being a tough guy isn't what you want, it's a means to an end --- not to be bullied. Have you tried taking a martial art? One of the things you'll learn there is to walk and carry yourself like someone who is not afraid, which is half the battle. The other half is you'll learn skills which will enable you to live up to this advertising.

The best of the martial arts graduates give the impression of a gentle, smiling "I'm not afraid of you." After all, they were invented by and for unarmed monks.

Good luck!

Great Idea, I will do that.

If you're confident in who you are and what you do you can come across as someone in total control, which is a good thing if someone is trying to take advantage of you. You can still keep your identity just act assertively so that no one will think of exploiting your kindness.. Plus you only need to really act as a tough guy when someone starts to take advantage or unfairly judge you. Martial arts sounds like a good idea because you will be more confident that you aren't a "p****" or "weakling".
How about getting a punching bag? It relieves anger and builds up muscle/gets you fitter/does good stuff

Great advice Astarael
I will seriously take it up, I will have to find a punching bag somewhere soon.

They cost a bit so maybe try looking for second hand ones or a gym/exercise and fitness centre which has one you can use. I don't know if you can hire them but it might be an idea if you can.

I know exactly where you're coming from, especially having seen my father, and others like him, retreat from his fields of interests just to make way for a load of f*cked up smartarses, even though my dad is more intelligent than they could ever be.
The best single piece of wisdom I can offer is, to remember that the manipulators and opportunists of this world are often COMPLETELY f*cked on the inside, and you can show to them just how inferior they are, partcularly if in your paradigm you are capable of expressing yourself and siezing control of things as well as being caring. It takes experience to learn when you can show this other side, but if you persevere you will learn.