Does anyone else get accused of being manipulative?

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I have been accused of being manipulative yet I actually am not sure how to manipulate someone in the general use of the word. I know how to get what I want by asking for it and making a reasoned argument for it and some would consider that a form of manipulation. However, I can't really see what's inside someone's head like a neurotypical does. For example, often when I do something for someone I am winging it. I understand obvious things like that my mom would like me to carry the groceries because that's a nice thing to do and people generally don't like insults but other than that it can be difficult for me. Sometimes I will try to help someone and offend them while I am doing it but I really mean well. If I wanted to offend someone I would just insult them instead of doing something like explaining poetic devices or correcting the way the pronounce a difficult word. I can't do complex manipulation like getting someone to do something for me without asking for it directly and laying out a good argument for it. I even tried to learn how to manipulate someone this way from a friend of mine who is very good at it. He tried to teach me but we failed because I lack the fundamental skill of manipulation which is to be able to get inside someone else's head. Yet, I somehow I get accused of being complexly manipulative. For example, I have bipolar and while it is under control now it used to be very extreme. When I was depressed I would self injure and when I was manic I would take some seriously stupid risks and sometimes get furious and shout, though I have never attacked anyone. I started trying to manage this by snapping a rubber band around my wrist whenever I wanted to self injure. They took it away from me at school and I desperately tried to convince them to let me have it back, explaining that it was either the rubber band or cutting myself and I really hated cutting myself but I had no choice. They then accused me of manipulating them and though people have tried to explain it to me I still don't understand why. I was just stating something I knew was going to happen. This has happened many times in other forms. Do you guys get accused of being manipulative when you're not?

I was by someone recently I am and she was a new friend of mine but I dumped her and deleted all her emails and PMs.

Sounds like you are misunderstood like I am.

You're not alone. Everyone tells me that I'm a user and manipulative, particularly boyfriends / ex-boyfriends.

I sometimes get accused of being a self centered b**t*rd.

Does that count

Yes! Boyfriends.

Like you, I couldn't manipulate anyone if I tried. And I've been accused of it so often by people close to me.

I just didn't understand it at all, at all, at all. Whatsoever. I'm sorry I'm not helping. But I know how you feel (insofar as I know how awful it felt when I was accused of it) and I'm sorry you have to suffer as much as that.

I am constantly trying to manuver a situation to make everything work out right. My motivation is to to make a situation work for everyone involved I am the constant moderator in my family. When for instance I am trying to arrange a day of activities to suit everyone and fit in with our time and resources I am acussed of manipulation. If I were not to do this my mother would take over and do everything the way that works for her or my kids dad would just do sporadic unplanned and brief outings. So having to balance between these two extremes of her OCD and his ADHD is a bizarre position for a aspie to be in.

Once, by a counselor who said I was manipulative because I missed an appointment I had been too scatterbrained to remember. Apparently people can't ever honestly forget about appointments in his little world.

The first time I went to a women's rehab (ugh...it was like soul-death for me,) the women counsellors focused on me in a group and said I was manipulative. It was a cruel and horrid place - I never spoke at that rehab -which was not untypical for me at that stage in my life - my 20's - and they read this as me strategising and manipulating and hiding and concealing what was REALLY going on in me.

It was the first time in my life I had ever been in an environment with a bunch of women together (except for growing up at home with siblings and school.) I had never experienced anything like this before - a group of women living together, doing group sessions and having to get on together.

It was WAY beyond my social and emotional capabilities at the time.

I was so distraught by being called manipulative - because if anything, I was cluelessly honest and completely out of my depth - that I left and became homeless again for a little while. I had NO IDEA at that age - about people, social interaction, group dynamics etc. It was terrifying and uncomprehendable.

As a general rule however, it is not a word that is frequently labelled against me. in fact, I think the above example is the only time I have been told I was. It is just not in my realm to "strategise" in an underhand way.

I never interpret my aspie husband as manipulative. Manipulative is a foreign concept to him, he is so straightforward it is painful sometimes.

However, in the very beginning, I did think him passive-aggressive sometimes (which I think *could* be considered manipulative behavior.) Because his body language or actual language is presented to me in a manner that would be passive aggressive with a large percent of typical people. It means something different in the non-verbal language I speak with those other typical people.

Today, I really do completely understand in almost all interactions with him that I have to "throw out the rule book".

Here's a good (long, sorry) example:

We are looking to buy a house. Yesterday I was perusing a real estate website, and he was playing on the floor with our 4 year old. I begin talking about how i really LOVE X neighborhood. We have long looked in Y neighborhood but I think I personally have concluded Y Neighborhood isn't close enough to the children's school. I think we need to narrow our search to ONLY X neighborhood. I say out loud to him: "I am afraid we will find a great house in Y neighborhood, and make a mistake in buying it and being too far from the kids' school. And I am also afraid that you don't feel that way, and you don't share that concern and I don't want to make a decision by myself that affects all of us."

He looked at me intently while I was speaking. Then, he simply turned his back without a word to me and began doing Play-doh again with our boy.

A "typical" male reaction when he turns his back and "ignores" you: He does not like what you've said. Maybe he loves Y neighborhood and isn't on board with your analysis of the school-distance. Maybe he doesn't care about any of it and wants you to shut your pie hole. ?? Who knows?? It is rude body language turning his back to you, and a "typical" person uses this body language for a reason to convey a message.

My husband's aspie reaction is NOT typical. With him, it means none of these things above. What it means for him: Nothing is required of me in this conversation. She stated her feelings and I listened politely. Now, I turn back to the four year old and the Play-Doh space-ship in progress.

Later we talked, and he completely agrees on the neighborhood issue. We dropped Y Neighborhood from our search for now.

My part in this was not being specific with him. I am still getting better at this. A better communication for me with him would be: "I would like an answer to the following: Do you think Y neighborhood is too far from the school? If so, do you agree we should narrow our search? and when you are ready, let me know what you think."

My mother accuses me of being manipulative all the time, but i have never intentionally manipulated anyone so i have no idea what she is accusing me of.

Just because you're autistic doesn't mean you should pretend you have a personality disorder or are manipulative, it's childish.

Some of the other members at my clubhouse accuse me of that, all the time. I don't think that I'm manipulative, but apparently, others think that I am.

Been there, done that.