My mom wants to move in with me

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I got divorced last year (before I knew about AS) and have 2 young kids. My mom wants to move in to "help me" out. I desperately need the help, I have been overwhelmed by regular life (recently dx w/depression, anxiety, ptsd, and thyroid disorder!). The problem is that my mom is not the most reliable person and in the past she has done some very hurtful things to me.

Now, I wonder if she is changed some because she is older or whatever. I guess I'm looking for some feedback on this situation. My counselor says when I talk about her moving in my whole countenance falls. My ex-husband says remember xyz thing she did in the past. They did not get along because (I think) each wanted to control me. I need help taking care of my kids, I need an extra person here. The ideal is definitely not my mom, but I don't have other options. Its a choice between two bad options =(

Hello eb31,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I think that it's not a good idea to hire your mum to help you to raise the kids, help at home and everything.
Even if it's for free.
Because if she does a bad job, I think it would be very difficult to fire her - especially if she has moved in with all her stuff and everything.

I hope you'll be able to find another solution to ease the situation.

I think take her up on it. Just be calm and don't be afraid to let hre know what things you can do for yourself. Try not to get insulted or hurt; she's your mother and she probably does mean well.

In these tough economic times with so many people unemployed, it is important for families to help one another. I know of one two-parent family who have grandma and grandpa living with them...the in-laws have a master bedroom on one side of the house and mom and dad have a master bedroom on the other end. Both parents work, so grandma helps with meals and grandpa loves to run the grandkids wherever they need to go after school. Kids benefit greatly from such unique living environments.

But not all families are alike. You can still make a unique environment for your young kids with grandma living with you...you will just need to set up some realistic ground rules and other expectations for all to live in harmony together.

Accept her help, but I wouldn't suggest letting her move in. Perhaps she could move close to you if she lives in another region. Let her know that you appreciate the offer of being there 24-7, but you think the two of you would do better with some breathing room. You could set up a schedule for when her help would be most effective.

That's a good idea, but the OP would have to offer to pay for her accomodation and transport for it to be fair. After all, she's doing him a favour by helping out.

I disagree. If the mother is offering to move anyway, it's a free offer for which the OP owes her nothing except thanks. If she doesn't wish to move, then she doesn't have to.

True, I shouldn't have said he has to pay for alternate accomodation. But if he is prepared to accept her help, it would come across as very ungrateful if he refused to either put her up in his own home or pay for her to stay somewhere else. Actions speak louder than words, so 'thanks' rings a bit hollow in that scenario.

If money is an issue, then he should let her stay with him and cope as best as he can. If he cannot bring himself to do that, then I don't see how he could accept her help in good conscience, and he would be better off refusing it.

(sorry eb31, this has got a bit abstract. I'm not suggesting that you would behave like that.)

My wife and I are currently in an unexpected break in child care. My mom is here for a few weeks to help out.

Normally I don't get along at all well with my mother, at least not for more than maybe an hour at a time. However, she's much more reasonable when she's taking care of our toddler and infant. I think it's partly because she has something to occupy her, so she doesn't have the attention needs that have been so annoying for me in the past.

It also helps that we have a large house, so she almost has an apartment to herself. It helps a lot that she not only has her own bedroom and bathroom, but also her own kitchen so she doesn't mess with mine.

I don't know whether the situation with your mother would be similar. If it is, it may help to make sure she has her own space, and you have some space of your own that she doesn't intrude into.

Not that it makes much difference, but I believe the original poster is female, based on the mention of an ex husband.

[quote="psychohist"][quote="Lene"]him[/quote]
Not that it makes much difference, but I believe the original poster is female, based on the mention of an ex husband.[/quote]

Oops, sorry!

Late update! Thanks for the opinions.

My mom did move here, and got her own place. She babysat for my children a handfull of times then flaked out saying she was too busy! Definately glad she has her own place.