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I hear what you are saying, but I have these concerns about your assumptions: first of all, many parents may come across as NT and indeed may think of themselves as such - but may in point of fact be on the spectrum. Genetics is behind me on this. When I came here, I would have thought of myself as "weird" but NT...now I'm fairly sure I'm not "weird" but AS. Do I post as an NT parent? If we make a separate board, should I post as an AS parent? It's not clear to me.

I understand that you aren't trying to accuse anyone, but I don't think the debates on semantics and morality are exclusive to NT vs. AS discussions; I've seen them elsewhere on other boards on WrongPlanet. I think that the difficulties you describe are inherent to human communication, and will exist even if neurotypes are separated. Parenting is an emotionally charged issue, and one where there are many differing opinions and value systems. I am sorry you don't feel safe posting on the parent's board - I was trying to say that I don't always feel safe, either - but I think it's worth the effort to post, read and learn.

I do think that there are certain needs that we may not be addressing right now, and I like DenvrDave's solutions, but I really don't like the idea of segregating neurotypes.

Well then if segregation is not allowed , what we need is a revolution. Aspie parents, unite and post in the parenting forum, and we need to make sure everything goes smoothly, maybe by indicating as was suggested that this is an "AS parent" thread, (the one where the parent is autistic, unrelated to "AS parent" threads where the child is the autistic person, yes i have seen it used in this way) and then....i still worry what will happen. Will we have to redirect the thread to its original subject when the OP's parenting abilities are criticized? how is it not going to go off track is what i wonder.
If segregation is not allowed, we need to fight the existing one.
Let's start fearlessly posting in the parenting forum. I could try again, but if no autistic person reads the message because this forum is seen as a place where nothing is written that may concern them, I will be left facing strange and unexpected reactions to an innocent post i made again. I hope someone else starts first, but if noone does, i will.

Sometimes revolutions are positive, but I can certainly understand being hesitant to start one. One of the reasons I suggest a sticky thread is because with the sheer volume of new parents that find their way to the board, it is going to be difficult to keep the AS parent issue threads at the top well enough for AS parents like you to feel the safety of numbers. So maybe you'd have to be allowed to bump your own thread a lot, as well.

I've read this all with interest because, like I said, I had tried very hard to make the board a comfortable place for everyone. But, you've done a really good job of expressing why it may never have been possible. I do think, btw, that the accusations of bad parenting on that board rarely come from other parents: they tend to come from AS members who have integrated certain assumptions of what parents are supposed to do and think, and haven't learned to understand the gray of it. In my experience, parents rarely attack the decisions of other parents, even when they disagree with them, simply because you learn fast how meaningless it is to be attacked yourself (which all parents are, and constantly, because the rest of the world knows oh so much more than you do about your one unique child). But ... I could be wrong. Obviously you feel differently, so there must be experience to it that I somehow missed. Was that on the board, or out in the real world?

There was no one big traumatizing event that triggered this feeling. It is a general attitude, something more complex than just being insulted, or offended. Like i said, people there are nice people. But look at the threads! "how do i deal with my grown up AS son's attitude" being one of my main gripes, and a recurring topic. How can we exchange as equals when we are percieved as perpetually childlike? It is funny to note that most people coming in and defending the cause are childless AS people, they are more fearless. Indeed, as a parent, we are used to criticism, even coming from ourselves, and even I wouldn't dare to barge in and tell those people: " come on now. You're talking about an adult person, remember?" Because my opinion would be dismissed as childish, and yes, I have become softer since I have had my children. I don't go and start fights, if i can avoid it.
I am not talking about overt hostility. But it does feel like segregation, I do feel muzzled. Imagine living in the 40's, in that sexist environment, and talking to a male friend that you like and respect about the difficulties of being a married woman, and have him answer in a friendly way: "ah well, you think too much for a woman, it's easy: give your husband everything he wants and you guys will be fine".
He MEANS well. YOU don't feel understood.
Ok my example is a bit shabby. But i hope you get the feeling

You know, I totally get it. And I really appreciate your making the case so extremely well. You really have. If Alex were to ask me now if there was a need (not that he will) I would say, "yes," there is. In the past I would have said no. I will always wish that wasn't true, but things are what they are. The work the parenting board as it currently stands does is extremely important, and I wouldn't want to change or discourage that, so the answer really is, then, a new board. Just have to convince Alex.

How should the different boards be labeled, so that each attracts the target postings?

I really appreciate you being open to understand my point of view, and being able to understand it even though it really isn't as clear in my posts as it was in my head !
It is not up to me to label the hypothetical boards is it? If it were, it would end up being some inside joke like "AS parenting" and "Parenting AS" , which would be clear as mud for newcomers. Something along the lines of "parenting on the spectrum" and "parenting a child on the spectrum"?
Wow, that's not close to clear. Well, you were a mod once, you must have better ideas

Well, OK - but then where should I post?

This is an awesome question!
Well, if your issue is related to being on the spectrum, for instance: " I am not sure if I sound sincere enough when i comfort my child for a small ridiculous bruise", you post in the "spectrum parents" one. If the issue is related to your child on the spectrum, such as " But WHY can't he tell me what he did at school today??" , then you go to the "parent of an AS child" forum.
Alternatively, you can decide the sort of feedback you want and need, and post where you feel appropriate, for each question.
Yes, it actually depends whether you want AS or NT feedback more than whether you are or not on the spectrum.
edit: I've been re-reading my last sentence and i think the titles should reflect this. I don't know how, though.

This makes sense to me, then - but I do think that DenvrDave's suggestion of some kind of tag on the posts themselves is worth considering. Another forum where I post actually has little flags you can tag onto the post to indicate specific types of questions. We'd have to make sure the tag has a good explanation of what types of feedback are requested.

I am rolling the idea of these names around in my mind and haven't yet come up with words that are specific enough...if I do, I'll post.

IMHO there's enough fighting and segregation in the world already. If you want to fight and create divisions amongst people, that's your prerogative and have fun with that. But as far as I am concerned, you win, fight over. See you later.

There is a fundamental lack of understanding on the part of NTs when they try and accuse us of creating divisions. The purpose of this site is to create a safe haven for AS people, and we are looking for a safe place to discuss parenting. When you snap at us because you don't agree with our preferred method of communication what are we to expect will happen when you disagree with something more serious? Your reaction here serves to reinforce the fears and concerns that are being expressed in this discussion.

The Parenting forum is the only place on this entire site where we expect to run into NTs regularly, everywhere else we are surrounded by our own. This makes the Parenting forum a unique place here, and I like to think that it serves a great purpose as it is - we need to offer support for those AS children - but that very uniqueness makes it a scary place and the last thing I want is for AS parents to be lacking in a place where they can discuss this without fear of judgement or harassment.

I admire your self control. I would never have been able to gather my emotions, set them aside, and then type a sensible answer like this one. I just want to hug you right now and god knows i'm not a hug person

I have to ask again: how are you deciding who is "us" and who is "them?" I regularly check and read trending topics outside the parenting board: I see snapping and disagreement all over the site. I also don't think that just because someone writes NT on their profile it means they can't or won't understand, nor does it mean they are definitively NT.

To be clear: I understand about needing to clarify the feedback for adults on the spectrum who have questions about parenting; I think this is valid; but IMO it would be a huge loss to the forum if any posters were made to feel unwelcome because of their neurotype.

I'm not even sure what my neurotype is, and I don't feel very welcome.

Most of the snapping and fighting is AS to AS to be honest. A lot of people here are self-identified. If this forum idea became a reality I would suggest that you post wherever you felt most comfortable based on the topic of conversation. I can promise that as long as I am moderating and DW is doing her thing, nobody will be allowed to attack anyone about their neuro status. We know this is a spectrum, and everyone is at list a little Aspie



Agreed 1000 times over.

- that is the closest thing we have to a hug emoticon

I've been thinking about this for a while, because I adore DenvrDave and can't help but feel the comment came off in way he never intended. We should ALL be able to feel comfortable here, in the forums that suit us, and I don't think we're talking segregation as much as adjoining rooms. eidself had posted some fighting words, and DenvrDave responded to those words. I didn't react to that one sentence, because the flow of the conversation felt otherwise to me; I didn't feel fight was the gist of it, more an intention to assert space and thus reduce the feel of threat. Which is, actually, something I encourage: often, discomfort in a situation is something we create for ourselves, and make happen, but if you enter a situation more assertively, you overcome that hurdle.

When my family travels, we get along better if we split the girls (mom and daughter) and the boys (father and son) into adjoining rooms. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, or want to interact with each other. It just recognizes that some members of the family (the daughter) have needs that are difficult to meet with the full group around.