Why am I so angry?

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If I was you I would be pissed off too, I mean how awful does that make you feel?

I'd like to say jerks aren't worth your time, but I'm having trouble accepting that myself as i'm trying to get over a jerk at the time being >_<

Good luck to you.

Thanks Hale Bopp, for the empathy. He is leaving. I honestly don't know yet whether I'm devastated or relieved.

One of the problems he has is "limited emotional range". I think it is related to Asperger's but who knows. Maybe not. He has exactly the same mood at all times no matter what. It's a slightly happy but very superficial mood. His entire self expression has to do with communicating information about his interests. He is in exactly the same mood now he was when we first met, when I had a miscarriage, and when he was homeless. Just slightly happy but without much depth at all. There are no emotional nuances or heartfelt statements. Just information given in monologues to me or whoever else might listen to him.

This is not to say that he is some sort of zombie. He just doesn't seem to have very deep emotions.

I, on the other hand, have cried over his leaving, gone numb, cried, and now I don't know what I feel.

I only want to say that you have every reason to be angry about the situation, as it was. He was cruel and uncaring toward you, even empty in his actions. If anyone is really losing something major by ending the relationship it is him and NOT you. You certainly deserve much better and your kids deserve a mom who is not emotionally abused, ever.

Good luck with the transition and the uncertainty it causes and enjoy some extra time with your kids, as a family. One day at a time, but always forward.

Re the issue of him having a friend who is a pimp who you believe exploits women, I understand you being angry about this.

But as for the other issues, I wonder if you are both culpable. You say, "My partner has taken me out on exactly ONE DATE in our entire relationship of almost three years." And how many times have YOU taken him out? If you BOTH never take each other out, then you are both culpable.

That's true. I'm up at 2:00 in the morning. I fell asleep but then woke up wondering am I right or am I wrong. am I right or am I wrong. It doesn't matter that he has never taken me out in but once in three years and I don't even care about the the three day extravanza rock concert he's going to. What hurts is that he has such limited emotional range that he can't relate to how it would hurt me to stay home and take care of the kids while he goes off on these trips with his pimp friend. His pimp friend is paying. I asked him how many blow jobs the women his friend drives around had to do to raise the money for him and his friend to go to the concert. He laughed and said, "Just one. That's how much those women get paid." This is what I am tolerating or not tolerating now.

He has done a lot of protesting and so-called activism for leftist issues in the last ten years. He's shown a lot of guts and I thought, once, high principles. But now I see it differently. I told him that until people like him look into their own lives and learn that they are the oppressors as much as the people in power they are protesting against, nothing will ever change.

If I'd wanted a rich man who could afford to take me out I would have found one. I got involved with the man I am with now because of the Asperger's bond (we are both aspies) and because ..well he just hung in there and stayed around me until I gave in and accepted him.

I'm dealing with someone who is very superficial. His limited emotional range doesn't allow him to know or experience the full meaning of his actions.

Last edited by anandamide on 26 Aug 2006, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

anandamide

That previous bit gives me a much better handle on it. I do find that kind of intelligence very attractive myself but also have trouble dealing with the aloofness or emotional detachment or whatever it is.

I don't really think it matters if you are "right" or "wrong" in this case. I think you were going nuts sharing your life with him the way you were and it might work better if you live separately and you visit sometimes.

I do find it really tragic that he is this smart and can't help himself. I do understand that though. Many of Robin Williams films repeat on this topic and I can't stand watching them - "good will hunting" excepted because that one had a vaguely happy ending - unlike what is happening to your friend / ex-defacto.

I can't help wondering if the rich guy in the bahamas could afford to provide his former business partner with assisted living or at least a move to a place in the USA that cares better for people like your friend.

It's like finding Mozart dying in the street because despite his genious, he's so obnoxious that nobody wants to pay for what he is good at. Universities used to have assisted living for people like this - they were called tenure. Certainly in the sciences and maths and computing departments, it didn't seem to matter if they were dyslexic or even if they did anything measurably productive.

Wow. Mozart.

Yea, I did find Mozart dying in the street. He's uniquely gifted with the ability to do abstract reasoning. He blows everyone away. He actually was a political advisor to a well known but alternative political party leader for a short time, and helped that person considerably. Unfortunately his obnoxious behavior made it very difficult for this politician to use his help. If he had been early on persuaded or even forced to go through an academic path or put on the right track early on he could have contributed really amazing things. He might have made a very talented lawyer. But the normal rewards that society would offer for such skill are of no interest to him. And like Mozart, he would stop, stick out his tongue or fart in the presence of some authority, or laugh like a hyena and he seems to have no interest in doing anything except purely for whatever enjoyment there is in exercising his talent. That's him to a tee. And other people find his behavior odd and obnoxious and, when he reasons so well through their arguments, very disempowering. The hand flapping and other stims don't help much either.

He can pass as a normal for short time, and that's when I like him best because he can almost have a real conversation with me. But it always unravels.

The detachment and aloofness is also very hard to take. I see excellent abstract reasoning, but what appears to be missing is the moment to moment sense of compassion with others. He can't reflect back to me what I'm saying if I talk about anything that has to do with emotion. At those moments it is honest to god like talking to Rainman. When it comes to talking about or dealing with emotions the most he can say is, "oh oh" or another repeated phrase is "isn't it exciting?" followed by "oh oh." And then he starts stimming.

It's very interesting that you bring up that his friend in the Bahamas might be taking advantage of him or not offering compensation for all that he did when the company first started up. I think that people feel that they have more than compensated him in the end, because by the time they have finished dealing with him they have had to negotiate so many social minefields and predicaments that occur from just being around him in the presence of others that they feel they have done alot of work. Most people do not understand Asperger's and can't grasp the fact that they are dealing with someone who has a differently wired brain, so they would be unable to understand that he needs to be accommodated while they profit from his unique abilities. Also, like Mozart experienced, there have been nuerotypicals around him who don't want to give him credit for his abilities because it would usurp their own positions and they would have had to admit their own inadequacy in the presence of this extraordinary talent.

This is all so frigging sad. Even if this were a movie I'd be watching with a box of kleenex at my side. And I don't usually cry at movies. But it's my relationship and I can't afford to dwell in such misery. I just have to carry on. I've got three kids and a part time job to deal with.

Hi anandamide

I didn't mean that his friend in the bahamas is / was exploiting him without fair compensation - I thought maybe he'd be someone who could afford to be your ex's patron - ie provide assisted living ie pay for a flat, a house keeper and someone to make sure he ate, and maybe someone (or lots of someones) to inspire him, and focus his talents towards something useful, that might even compensate for the cost of the assisted living.

Mozart had that on and off, but like you said, I guess he managed to offend the wrong people. I don't know what he was really like - I based my description in part on Amadeus the movie.

I figure what the genious needs is a patron - who deals with him at arms length so doesn't get the daily brunt of obnoxiousness, and a few people to focus his talent, and look after his domestic needs. I do think you could supervise this on the ex's behalf but you don't have the financial means or the emotional endurance to do it all by yourself.

And I do think you need to look after yourself and your needs and your children's first. It's just such a tragic waste.

Oh, and it's never too late to go to uni and get into the academic systems. Maybe you could write a letter to someone most likely to appreciate and understand his talent and explain your ex's problems - and ask for advice. And there must be some way to get him to a place in the country that takes better care of its needy (obnoxious) people.

Thank you SO much for all your empathy, wobbegong. It really has helped alot to get through this very painful breakup. He's gone now. It's very strange but I thought I was going to fall apart and even go bonkers after he left and instead I feel relieved. I keep thinking the heartache is going to hit me sooner or later, but it hasn't. I just feel peace.

After he left I took the kids swimming at a park with an outdoor pool. Then we played catch with the dog in the park. It was a totally different experience without having to deal with his issues or come home to him. The kids really enjoyed it, the dog enjoyed it, and I enjoyed it. It was a beautiful evening last night, and I felt peace.

It is tragic. But he is always happy and oblivious or disregarding to the hurt he causes. I think there have been people who have seen his potential and tried to assist him. But it is very hard work to negotiate between normal society and his behavior. I became this shrewish miserable nag whose sole job was to ensure that he behaved in a manner that wasn't going to cause problems between himself and myself and other people. It was flipping exhausting.

He scores in the top 2% of the population for abstract reasoning. It was really quite amazing to watch his performance on the tests that he was given. But I have talents and goals too, and I found that with him around, because he dismissed or seemed to evaluate all of my thoughts and ideas as flawed, compared to his super ability to discern reality, I became quite miserable.

This is just speculation, but I have to think that Mozart's or anyone's "genius" should also include some care and respect for the social environment in order to fulfill potential without hurting other people. This Western idea of the Great Man promotes the idea that you can be a success by competing with others and excelling above their abilities. But that is actually very detrimental to certain kinds of people. His going out to a concert with a ticket paid for him by a guy who makes money off poor ravaged prostitutes is one example. And I have no intention of living my life as did Mozart's long suffering wife.

Last edited by anandamide on 27 Aug 2006, 11:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

Thanks to everyone in this thread who offered advice and empathy. I am really grateful because it has reduced a lot of the hurt. Everyone here really made the difference between a f*****g blow that was either going to leave me reduced to a heartbroken wreck or a better functioning person.

anandamide

Good for you.

Now I've got one more suggestion - that you write yourself a note - that you might write to yourself when you first met this guy, with the knowledge you have now.

Because, this happens to me, now that you are separated from him, the bad things will start to seem less bad, and the good things may seem better, and you will start to feel good about him again, and if you meet up with him again you may feel the same as you felt when you first met him and found him impressive, interesting and attractive. Damn annoying. But you need to remember how it has been and how hard it was and how much a mess it made of you and your family's life.

I've been trying to write that letter to myself, but I'm having a struggle even pinpointing what was wrong. It gets into questions of what consciousness is, and what a person is, and even I don't know if this is the correct term but "existential questions".

It is the most confusing feeling to have been in relationship with the man who wasn't there. I know this plays into all the stereotypical descriptions of autistic people being mere shells or somehow lacking the essential qualities that make a person a person, but the reality is that I don't feel as though he was ever really present in my life. There was a body and the body talked and walked and ate and did chores and various other activities, and could even play a game with the children, and grow pretty flowers on the balcony, but in terms of emotional depth or connection it felt like there was no one there. In the past I could delude myself into believing there was someone "there" but I think now it was all my own projections. I mistook the chores he did and the flowers he grew as a sign of his affection.

He called yesterday. I asked him why he was calling and he said, "Because I like you." I reminded him that he had said he couldn't make an emotional connection because of his autism. He agreed, once again, that it was true. I asked him to say one positive thing about me. He couldn't think of anything. There was just silence on the phone. Finally he said, "You helped me get the disability pension." I said, "That's about YOU." More silence. He couldn't think of one positive thing to say about me. Finally I said since we both think that it is true that he can't connect to me emotionally then there is no point in my having any conversations with him at all.

He said it is true, and he knows that he can't connect emotionally but that he was calling to see how the dog was.

I told him goodbye. Obviously this is not the kind of behavior that a person can accept.

anandamide

I think he kind of got it right when he said "you helped him get the disability pension" - you're a helpful person, that's usually a positive thing. I think this might be one reason why you're feeling so torn up about turfing him out - it goes against your basic nature and desire to help people.

If you're having trouble with the letter, just go back through your posts here and replies that made sense to you - and copy them to a word doc and save them so you can at least read that and remember.

I think Oprah (embarrasing to admit but I watch her a lot) called what you were missing "validation" - he gives you no validation of your existance. You could be a robot with no thoughts or feelings of your own and he'd feel the same about you. After all a fridge is very helpful too, and I like my fridge and I'd miss it if I didn't have it. And I could get a new one but I like the one I've got.

Asking after the dog is pretty funny. However that's better than him phoning to see how the flowers are. I'm not totally sure about the complete lack of emotional connection or attachment in autistic people. I think they/we do feel, we just don't express it in a way that makes sense to other people, and maybe our attachment to inanimate things or animals can be just as great as to people. But you're the one who lived with him. If you don't want him to phone - you could ask him not to. I'd see it as an opportunity to care for him at a distance though. He could ask about the dog, and you can tell him about the dog (and the flowers), and you could ask him if he's feeding himself properly and getting the bills paid on time.

The complete lack of validation was doing my head in. No matter what he was always happy and yet couldn't show one jot of empathy if his life depended on it. I think human relationships mean very little to him. I'm sure that whereever he is now, he is quite content. He'd be happier than I am if he was living in a ditch.

I am now in the midst of reading the play Amadeus. Poor old Salieri. He struggled to create great music all his life, and his entire belief system was based around his view that talent came from this effort that would be rewarded by god. Then along comes Mozart - an "obscene child" without any real beliefs at all and who did not have to struggle at all to create compositions. In the play Mozart is an emptyheaded fool, yet he creates this incredible music that blows Salieri's work away.

I now understand why Salieri wanted to destroy Mozart. I already asked my ex not to phone. I don't want to take care of him, he doesn't care about anything. He's empty because as far as I can tell he is unable to feel any emotion at all aside from this constant happy state. I'm probably the best interpreter of aspie speak that he will ever meet ( being an aspie myself) and even I have given up. I'm not interested in being his mother or helper.

Good for you, ananadamide. I find it hard to believe you can't do better!

I find a good question to ask myself, when I start getting hypnotized by who a man is, or what he can do, or his special talents, is: "What is this man offering me?" If the answer is "Nothing", then the other stuff doesn't really matter, does it?

Why not copy this thread to a Word document? Then when you find yourself weakening, you can easily refer to it and remind yourself why you're better off single.

It seems women quite often get sucked in to playing second fiddle to some bloke they admire greatly. Simone de Beauvoir comes to mind, she was great but she often came second to Jean Paul Satre. Also Stella Bowen - her art was severely limited by her relationship with a rather troubled writer Ford Maddox Ford. He was very demanding of her time and finances - so she didn't get to paint as much as her contemporaries who remained single or married supportive partners.