My relationship with my mildly autistic brother

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I will begin by explaining the diagnoses of my brother and I. My brother is mildly autistic. As for me, our doctor said that I don't have enough of the characteristics to be considered autistic, but if he had to put a label to it, I would be very borderline Aspergers. I seem normal most of the time unless things are too overwhelming or I have an unexpected situation to deal with.

After I went to secondary school, I begin not to want my brother to touch me, as his sister, in any way. I was afraid that if he got too used to doing it to me, he would do it to other girls in school and get into trouble. There was an incident when he was in primary school when he stood and looked at the girls in his class playing at recess, and they went to complain to the form teacher. Fortunately, the form teacher, being already aware of his situation, told the girls off.

When I went to Secondary 3 (9th grade in the American school system) in 2003, there was a group of bullies in my class who kept picking on me. The teachers did their best to keep the bullies off my back, but for reasons I do not fully understand, the most the teachers could do to the bullies was to talk to them. I felt so awful about the unwanted attention I was getting from the bullies, and that nobody could openly speak up for me, that when I got home I just wanted to be left alone. My brother, who does not have any close friends in school, wanted to play with me, even when I had to do my homework or wanted to do something else. So I told him something like, "Go away!" and he would be crying. It didn't help that this was the year of the SARS outbreak when schools were closed for a while and people were advised to stay home if possible. For a period of time it was just me, my mother and my brother at home in the day time when I would normally be in school.

My brother never really did talk like the other kids. In elementary school he would mostly make up stories about cartoon characters or what's on TV, but not about things which happened in school (not even now when he is in high school). He would talk more to my mother about things which happen in school, but for the rest of the world, it's hard to get him to talk. At most he will give one word answers like yes/no/maybe. As it is, I find it difficult to talk to NT people. With my brother, I almost don't know how to talk to him. I have worked with other autistic kids in my work, but because those kids are more verbal, I can figure out their personalities better and then work out how to interact with them.

We gave him an address to a local Aspie forum some time back, but he isn't interested in joining - he keeps trying to fit in with the NT kids in school. He would keep reading entertainment magazines (the bulk of his reading after he left elementary school), and go on TV stations websites to find out about the latest shows.

After our family got an iPad, we discovered something else he was doing - reading blogs of girls he didn't know, especially girls who post photos of themselves in revealing clothes. When my mother asked him about it, he said that it's the trend for guys in school to look at such photos. (He was previously told that he had to stay away from things like sex and drugs, but it's not very often that there are photos of people actually having sex in magazines sold without any age restrictions.) He has since stopped. We have also cancelled our subscription to entertainment magazines, because in recent years there has been more and more tabloid content and revealing photos. He expressed an interest in puzzle books and we got him one, but he still likes entertainment magazines the most.

After all this, I don't feel entirely comfortable with interacting with my brother. Being better able to cope, sometimes I had to help my brother look over schoolwork. Sometimes I felt so drained after dealing my own matters that I can't understand the high school work I had managed to get through myself.

Thanks for reading through this. I hope it makes sense. I still don't fully understand why I am feeling like this. Because a brother is someone I have family ties with, he's probably going to be in my life for a long time to come and I can't feeling like this forever. Would appreciate any constructive replies to this.

I think it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by wanting to take care of and help your brother, but having too much going on in your life and with your own autism symptoms to be able to handle it. Maybe you are feeling guilty over that, or just overwhelmed. Can you talk to your parents about how you are feeling? You should not have to have this responsibility. Special needs siblings can be difficult for siblings, there are actually support groups called Sib Shops that are set up just to help siblings manage these kind of feelings. I would talk to your parents , maybe show them this post, an look up sibling support groups. Good luck.

You didn't say how old your brother was, but autistic or not, most males have an interest in looking at females, and this is natural. I don't see a problem with him looking at photos and reading blogs that aren't of a sexually explicit nature. I think you actually cause more harm to a young man when you chastise him for his interest in girls or try to keep him from being exposed to them. In many instances such attitudes and efforts result in severe psychological trauma and unhealthy behavior in the future.

Perhaps you and your family assume that since he's mildly autistic he will never have a romantic relationship so he doesn't need to be bothered with these things anyway, however many individuals with high functioning, or even classic autism have the potential to have a romantic relationship as an adult.

To be a well adjusted individual he needs to become familiarized with the opposite sex so let him read blogs and look at his entertainment magazines. That is what he is interested in anyway apparently; pop culture, and to be honest if he wants to try to keep up with the popular group, then that's his choice as long as he isn't doing drugs or anything illegal to look "cool".

I don't really see anything wrong.. i don't think looking at woman is a crime.. it's part of aging(LOL THAT)

you guys seem to think that he can't ever be the same as you are but you are actually preventing it by reacting like that.
you can't forbid it, period.
Just let him be and support him if you seem to feel he needs it, otherwise just let him discover the world and it's lovely aspects on himself.

Good Luck!

Yes, I know with hindsight I could have handled it better.

Although we cancelled the subscription we still buy the magazines once in a while or borrow them from the library.

To recap what happened when he was still following the blogs, he would be doing his schoolwork when we are around, then turn on the computer once we were out of the room and when one of us walked in again, he would be just logging off. It happened a few times in a row. He would also be reading what his schoolmates write on their blogs about what they did with their other friends and post, "Who's this X you are talking about?" and nobody replied.

What's the big deal about the magazines? So what if there's "revealing photos". What's the harm exactly?

I find it strange that you'd effectively ban it by cancelling the subscription, and hypocritical that you will later buy them for him...

He's probably confused as hell now with all the mixed signals.

If he's acting weird around girls, try and make it clear what's acceptable and what's not.

And this is so unusual how? A child with AS or autism should never be hindered when they try to socially reach out to their peers.

To be honest, it's far more important he acquire certain social skills in life than finish his homework.

Actions speak louder than words.
Actions also debunk stereotypes placed on people.

From your description-

That's what all my normal popular friends do. They comment on each other's social lives.

It is expected to observe what others write about (friends, jokes, TV shows, boredom, freak accidents, making fun of people or groups) and then it is expected to respond accordingly to express interest (asking questions, making compliments, showing agreement) to let the other person know

"hey, I am expressing my interest in what you do, my interest in what your thinking/worrying about, my interest in who you hang out with so you know that I appreciate you and want to become your acquaintance/your friend/other"

Normal people ask questions, make compliments (so on) to let others know that they're interesting people. They don't want to be friends with someone who thinks they boring and stupid.

Friendships start by letting another person know "I am interested in you", then waiting and hoping for that person to return the sentiment immediately or after several attempts to talk/interact with them.

That part is normal interaction.

It is expected to express interest in other people's personal lives if you want to interact normally with people.

Expressing that interest is often done indirectly by paying attention to what goes on in other people's lives. Normal people don't usually say "I like you" (though teens and adults may say that to someone they're romantically interested in) or "let's be friends" outright because that's usually really weird for teens and adults.

Lots of teens and adult keep track of what their friends, co-workers, teachers, acquaintances, relatives do by reading blogs and journals, they look at their photos, they exchange emails, sent funny/serious/caring messages and they write comments. That is how they express their interest in those people important to them.

So... your concerned that your brother does this, okay. I just don't understand: don't you ever try to make friends too?

If you have "normal" friends or friends who don't have social impairments (such as AS) do you never keep track of what goes on in their lives? I'd be really surprised if they didn't mind you not knowing anything about them, what they like and dislike, who they're friends with, who their parents are, what they had for lunch yesterday, what amazing shoes/dress/shirt they happened to see their rival/most disliked person wearing lately or what song or book they really want to buy next month.

if he has socal prob.s then he is hitting stages of development later in life,like if he is in high school, then he is doing things a 5th-8th grade kids would do.if he is not allowed to do them then his socal prob. is never going to get better......he will do inaproprate things(we all do, that is how we learn) and reactions is how he'll learn. yes there is going to be anxiety w/ that but sooner or later he is going to deal w/ it, so no time like the preasent..... just help him w/ the things he doesn't get and hope for the best!


good luck

Always treat others the way that you wish to be treated.

Acceptance is the best cure.

Well a couple things to consider...if you and his mother have expressed disapproval for him showing any intrest in females whatsoever which is kind of a ridiculous expectation to have of a straight male. He probably feels the need to hide it so you guys don't criticize him for it. Also I am not sure how many people with autism have this issue but sometimes if I am on the internet or even just writing my thoughts in a notebook even if its not something I am ashamed of I still feel the need to hide it or minimize my computer screen so no one can see what I'm doing. So it might just be a weird reflex like that. I mean even at school when I was doing school work I would always cover what I was writing if I felt anyone could see it.

And well maybe he want's friends and is trying to interact online as it is the 'cool' thing to do, I can only imagine when this backfires it probably makes him feel worse.....I did not grow up with the internet so much so I can't say I know quite how that would be.

But yeah he probably needs some support, even if you feel like you have a lot on your plate as family I would hope you attempt to be somewhat supportive and not just another person who causes him pain, sorry if that's kinda blunt I am not accusing you of doing any such thing...its just the only way I can word my thoughts on that.

Thank you for your perspective.

From what I see on my friends' blogs and Facebook pages over here, people pretty much keep to their individual circles of friends, rather than breaking into a circle where they only know one person. So primary school friends only talk about things happening with this particular circle, secondary school friends only talk about things happening to other people from the same school, and so on.

If these school friends find that they have a mutual friend from another part of that life, the mutual friend will interact with the school friends. But my brother is the only person I have known to actually read somebody's blog and ask about people he doesn't already know. Given that he is autistic and not as socially savvy as NT people, this makes him stand out more.

Hope my explanation about social circles above doesn't sound too complicated.

This is the magazine situation from the time we started subscribing 10 years ago to the time we just stopped:

The way I remember it, when we started subscribing, the magazine was reporting a lot about interesting TV and music projects, and not so much on gossip.

Over the years, the gossip content increased. Sometimes there will be photos of women wearing dresses with low necklines etc and captions on how "smart" they were to do that and get media attention. There are also ads of chat hotlines with photos of plunging necklines. Long ago my mother saw my brother entering a website like that (promising an online chat with a pretty girl) and told him not to do it again.

Although my mum and I had become less interested in the entertainment content, we kept the subscription for the lifestyle content, and for my brother to keep up with the latest shows. We only stopped renewing the subscription recently when she had a talk with him on the blogs.

When we do buy the magazine once in a while it's just to see a report on something in particular that interests us. We still put the magazine on the living room table for common reading.

My brother didn't really have any friends in primary school. There was a girl who transferred out after a few years. When my brother registered on Facebook, he posted a status update asking about where is girl is now, and that "I miss her a lot". Our family's concern is that if this girl has a boyfriend now and he saw this particular status update, he would interpret it in a negative way, track down my brother's whereabouts and give him trouble. A guy on his list got the impression that my brother was interested in this girl romantically. The unwritten rules are such that if one takes too much interest in another person of the opposite gender, it's a romantic interest. (Even among NT people)

In secondary school the girls were friendly to him in a platonic way. In his current class there are some girls like that too. We are definitely not discouraging this sort of interaction with girls.

But there was a girl, when he first entered his current school a few years ago, who had a female friend who badgered him to accept her friend request and said she thinks he is "sexy". My brother himself did not feel comfortable about more interaction with this girl. As a girl, when I saw this girl's posting, I felt that something wasn't right about her too.

Ah, I see. That makes a bit more sense to me now. I don't really agree with what you're trying to censor. It doesn't seem like much of a big deal to me. However, this won't fix 'the problem'. He's still going to be interested in this sort of thing... at best all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. What exactly are you trying to achieve here? Do you want him to stop liking it? Not going to happen. Do you want him to learn more 'appropriate' ways of behaving? It's going to take more than shutting him off from parts of the world.

My advice is to try and cooperate with him in learning socially acceptable behaviour. If he does something wrong you need to talk him about it later work together in figuring out why it was wrong. It's no good simply telling him things are wrong if he doesn't get it in the first place. It would also be good to come up with alternatives together if possible.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's still following the blogs or whatever in secret. That's what kids do when you punish them - they find ways around it. What was he asking these strangers on their blogs? Was it anything bad or just casual conversation or what? Instead of shutting him away from everything you don't like, I think you should focus on teaching him 'the right way', in a way he understands. Otherwise when he grows up and becomes a bit more autonomous all this stuff is just going to come back and he's not going to be prepared for the potential consequences.