Telling People About Yourself

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One of my best friends offline is disabled, and she recently did something that really challenged my assumptions about social interactions. We are taking a speech class together, and on our first day we had to do an impromptu "Who Am I?" speech.

I gave as little personal information as I could, so that instead of talking about my religion, or having autism, or any of the other weirdness in my life, I chose the most "normal" thing about me: my desire to write webcomics.

Then my friend got up to do her speech. She talked about her passion for art, especially sculpting. She talked about how she loves to write (she has actually authored several books) and how she combines sci fi with spirituality. At the end, she announced in front of the whole speech class, "I have muscular dystrophy. Just a piece of trivia." She's never been shy letting people know what she needs, but I'd never seen her share that in front of a room full of strangers before.

It's got me thinking. If I ever tell someone about being on the spectrum, I tell it like it's a big secret, because to me it is a big secret. But what if it doesn't have to be a secret? Sure I might get some odd reactions, but an aspie is bound to get those anyway.

Questions:
Is there any reason, other than when dealing with potential employers, that being an aspie should be a secret?
Is it appropriate to talk about being on the spectrum if I have never been formally diagnosed?
If I do start talking about this in public, what sorts of reactions should I expect?
How do I explain Asperger's if a person doesn't know what it is?
Is your autism a secret?

I don't keep it a secret at all; though it isn't a crutch or a get out of crap free card either. I've given speeches in Toastmasters about 'growing up different' and shared my perspectives about the world; most people seemed to be receptive to helping them understand people like me.

It's part of who you are and honestly you can't really hide it anyway. At least if you're up front about it people have a chance at another opinion about you other than 'a bit off', 'weird', 'eccentric', etc... instead you'll get more positive reactions.
That's how I approach it anyway for Aspergers.

Thanks, jedaustin!

I just started taking a public speaking course. Our first assignment was to introduce yourself. So I told everyone I was recently diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. It felt good. Naturally I was worried this would distance some people from me. But right away a nice fellow came up to me and congratulated me for my courage and being honest. I've always had trouble making friends. So this kind of immediate reaction told me I'd done something right. In fact, I made many other friends that night.

So following that I decided to go a step even further. Just yesterday I wrote a lengthy facebook post describing my condition and what I've recently learned. So far I've received about four positive responses. Incidentally if you want a good book to read about a successful aspie, check out "be different". One interesting insight I gained from that book was that aspie will never be able to choose all their friends. People are and will always be selective about how they want to know. All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that someone good comes along. And I think my recent experience in public speaking proves that to be true.

So my advice is: Go ahead. Put yourself out there. Let people know who you are. And be proud of it

Thanks everyone for the responses!

I'm still not sure if it's okay to say I'm an aspie if I don't have a diagnosis. I'm doubly unsure because Asperger's isn't a perfect description of my condition, which in many ways more closely resembles schizotypal personality disorder or even high IQ "gone wrong". Psychiatric labels haven't caught up with reality.

There are only a couple other times I've disclosed. Once was to a friend (I told her I had a form of autism), and the friend promptly stopped contacting me. I told my youth group at the time that I thought I may have Asperger's syndrome. I had to tell my driver's ed teacher "I have ADHD" (which is technically true, as I meet almost every criteria for the inattentive form of the disorder).

Currently I've only told the speech class that I'm absentminded (in a humorous speech titled "How to be Absentminded"). I've made it a policy to say, "sorry, I'm easily confused" when I make a social mistake, misunderstand directions, mishear things, and so forth.

It doesn't matter. I also haven't been given a clear diagnosis. But what is clear is that I have many of the same symptoms. And these symptoms need to be addresses whether I have aspergers or not.

Trust me. Either people will think you're weird, or they'll think you have asperger syndrome. Between the two I'll take Asperger thanks. Why? Because asperger helps to put you in context. It gives people a means of understanding you are and the challenges you face. And at the same time, it makes it clear to others that you recognize you have a disability. This will give you a huge advantage in life.

So go on in secret if you wish. But I suspect it will be a sad and lonely road.

Take care.

I used to tell people on a "need to know" basis. Immediate relatives, close friends, medical professionals.

Then I had an ER nurse to whom I was trying to explain my panic attack demand I get my husband (1000 miles away) to come get the kids or she'd turn me into CPS. She acted like I'd said I was a serial killer.

Then I had my stepmom's sister use all the information I gave her about it against me, tell me Mom didn't need any "ret*ds," and demand that I get out of her life.

Then I had a psychiatrist and two therapists (who were treating me for the resultant depression and social anxiety) stuff Risperdal down my throat, despite the fact that I am not and have never been violent and am able to interact socially with individuals and small groups as long as no one seems to be behaving aggressively or judgmentally toward me.

A year later, I took myself to the mental hospital and ask them to check me in before I gassed myself, I've decided to keep Dear Old Uncle Hans a strict secret. From the bottom of my shattered self-respect, I'd advise you to do the same.

Maybe part of the reason it's so hard for me to decide what to do is because I don't know how I want to be seen or how I would characterize the issue.

jedaustin and graphicidentity, you both aluded to rather being seen as having Asperger's than as being "weird". That's an idea I've struggled with. Before there were autistics, there were eccentrics. If I present myself as eccentric, people will assume that I'm lazy rather than in any way impaired. If I present myself as autistic, then people will assume that I'm very disabled then will assume that I'm lazy when they find out that I'm not severely impaired. I wish that people in general understood that autism is both a disability and a difference. I'm not defective, but I do have trouble sometimes.

Chris Vulcan's Disorder is not understood at all in the psychiatric community. I like the "autism" umbrella because it is so broad that I can fit under it pretty comfortably. I can't say "I have schizotypal personality disorder" because people will think I'm psychotic. It's snobbish to say "I'm gifted" and saying "I have ADD and panic disorder" doesn't do the thing justice. What do I say, "I have a weird psychiatric disability that is poorly understood and refuses to be labelled?"

BuyerBeware, that's chilling. Are these attitudes toward autism because of ignorance, or is there a specific stigma at work?

I was talking with my mom, who knows about my neurotype and has (amazingly!) accepted it. Not much phases her. I asked her whether it was appropriate to share my condition, and she said that it was something to share only with your closest friends. But a lot of people have different policies for disclosure, whether what they're disclosing is religion, disability, sexual orientation, taste in shoes, whatever. Some tell everyone they meet (which is a bad idea for me because I tend toward TMI anyway), and some don't tell anyone, not EVER.

I'm so confused.

Another thought: Even though I'm not personally LGBT, but I imagine that if I was, I wouldn't want to shout it from the rooftops. I wouldn't want to pretend to be straight either. What I would do is to speak, dress, and behave in a way that people would ask me if I was LGBT.

Can a crazy person like myself basically do that? Is there a way of expression my neurodiversity without overtly stating it?

Ahh man that would be super gutsy to admit you have aspergers infront of the classroom. I think theirs ways in doing it right. Idk, i think theirs certain disorders that are more acceptable to tell people then others. The physical disabilities are typically more socially acceptable, like muscular dysatrophy or epilepsy. People might just feel sorry for you at the most, they wont necessarily think your a freak. Cause those conditions are more not always in your control. Besides it might be good info for safety reasons. If you get up and say you have autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, etc etc etc. People are more likely to think your a freak and thats more likely to be deemed as TMI.

There is a common theme here from you guys. And it all has to do with what other people think. I feel lucky that I understand that this doesn't matter. I know this because a smart friend of mine told me this when I was just a kid. At the time I didn't believe him. But what he said has stuck with me for years. And now I think I've come to believe it to be true.

Psychological disorder or physical disorder. It doesn't really matter. They are both disorders. So long as people continue to hide the truth about themselves, the longer people will fail to understand your condition. I have absolutely no regrets about telling my classmates I have asperger syndrome. I know some people will shy away from me because of that. But again, won't the shy away anyway once they observe my perfuliar traits?

I respect where each of you are coming from. But I strongly disagree with keeping it a secret. A family that treated me like a loser because of my disorder doesn't deserve my respect anyway. So to hell with them!! !

Not at all crazy, I think. I dress in a way that I find comfortable, talk in my normal "monotone" and behave in the only way I know how -- like me.

People rarely ask if I'm gay, even though I am. More often, I get people telling me I'm weird, and once in a while, I get someone asking (usually through my boyfriend) if I'm autistic or something. I prefer that to simply shouting out that I'm on the gay and autistic spectra.

Well I don't really tell people I have AS because its not official and I get self concious about that, I don't want somone demanding proof and then accusing me of just trying to be an attention whore. But if I talk to someone long enough and plan to talk to them again I usually mention I do have Depression and other mental issues...but yeah if its just a random person bumming a ciggerette for instance I wont go into much detail about myself.

That was posted in a bitter moment. It's all true, but it's not all of the truth.

I've probably told two dozen people about it. Those are the only three bad reactions I've gotten. But coming very close together (the first two within a month of each other, the third when I tried to get help for the mess that resulted from the first two plus a boatload of grief and guilt) they had a major major major impact on me.

Therapy's working on it.

I hope my story is the exception rather than the rule. HOPE. In the cases of the medical professionals, it's a Mon Valley problem (rural backwater where psychology is still stuck in the '80s and society never made it out of 1956). A case of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing. If I'd had any brains, I would have fired the psych and the therapists instead of eating the Risperdal and internalizing the BS. Mom's sister-- well, she was pretty sh***y to my NT hubby, too. He says she's just a b***h; if it hadn't been AS it would have been something else.

Sad fact is that, as long as we choose to hide, the stereotypes will persist. And if you don't hide, you run the risk of becoming a victim of them. Be open if you are brave enough-- I hope I'll be brave enough again before too long (at least, I think I hope that). But think about how you are going to deal with the worst-case scenarios before you do.

Like, have a script ready. Because if you get caught in one, you'll probably be panicked,

Pretty good advice for lots of things in life, actually.

Telling people the truth about yourself takes courage. But if they refuse to accept you for who you are, then they're not worth your time. I live in Ottawa Ontario. So far people have accepted me. So if you're being persecuted for who you are, then come on up north with me! Winters are damn cold but it builds character!