Want to OD but can't.

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I've had enough of life. I want out. But something's keeping me from ODing on these pills? Fear of the afterlife perhaps? I have some pretty weird dreams at night and if those are any indication, I want no part of Hell.

I'm still considering, though. It can't be any worse than this world.

I put the pills down. I'm choosing "slow and painful" instead of "quick and painless."

I just wish my parents never met.

I've gotten to the point where life was entirely unbearable and pointless many times, but it's ironic that the only thing stopping me was my utter disbelief in the afterlife. It might be sound strange, but even when living seemed impossible, it was always the things that I'm able to enjoy, however small, that kept me going. The thought of having no conscious mind or understanding of one terrifies me, even if my thoughts usually bring me pain. This fear will probably always keep me going, however grudgingly. But if you do believe in a Hell, I'm sure you must somehow feel it's worse than this world, no matter how intolerable life can be. Regardless of what you believe, it can't really be worth it.

I just wish I'd go to bed and never wake up...no afterlife...just no awareness that I didn't exist anymore.

Well the world is really crazy these days. But I'm still quite curious to see how things play out even if the world blows up or we achieve world wide economic collapse. Or maybe things will turn around and we have a new economy emerge. Or we could live to see World War 3.

I'm not sure what is specifically causing your difficulties or if you are just stuck in a rut. Or down with depression. Or like many of us having trouble getting employment and independence?

I have mania, no control over my moods, and in general even when I think clearer, just don't want to live. Was harassed most of my life in school and post-school...don't have any life capabilities...can't meet a compatible girlfriend that is an introvert and with minimal physical attraction...have no interests...easily bored by most things...easily stressed over NT type drama.

So you're bored to death basically? I mean aside from the troubling manic episodes?

Anyway I wouldn't do the pills unless I was totally sure of what I was doing. Even if you want to die your body wants to live. I'd worry I'd wake up brain damaged or something.

Oh well I'm like 35 and still not married and single. I've been in the hole financially and finally got out of debt, but while doing so being broke isn't good for dating. Neither is the constant travel required from my job. I don't think I need to kill myself though just because I'm not married with kids.

So I dunno maybe you just need to find the right work environment. Possibly a night shift job. IMO night shifters are there because their looking for work or they like the independence from day workers including management. I think night workers are less inclined for drama bullcrap. Or if you work a night job it might be solitary and you don't have to deal with anyone's nonsense.

As for general boredom I'm not sure what to suggest. I enjoy simple pleasures like going to the movies, or music, or my books, or talk radio, or porn. And no I don't care if I go to the movies or a concert myself because I can't get boring co-workers to come see an indy movie.

I'm sick of promos for crappy tv shows like Mike and Molly, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, 3d rock, Terra Nova, Up All Night, et al. I'm sick of wiggers and straight brimmed hats and white guys who dress like they grew up in the ghetto. I'm sick of the terms "ride or die" "wifey." I'm sick of NTs that try to bully other people. I'm sick of the crappy movie trailers. I'm sick of the fact that I haven't touched a woman's breasts in 3 years. I'm sick of the Aaron Rodgers hype and can't wait until the Packers lose a game and don't win the Super Bowl.

I hate just about everyone other than my parents, brother, and online friends. I hate women that act like life is one big episode of Sex and the City.

I'm sick of followers that don't have a mind or life of their own and just go out and get drunk or party on the weekends like it's "so cool." I'm sick of people that think they're "so cool" just because they're in a relationship.

I'm just Goddamn sick of life and the crappiness that is the 21st century. Why couldn't I have been born 10 years earlier and spent my twenties in the 90s, not this god awful time.

I'm on the fence often. There is a little bit of me that thinks that I will "be something" lol... cheesy but true

The 90s were definitely over-rated.

That's not really the point though.

I've spent a lot of time oscillating between wanting to die, and wanting to fight. Right this minute, I want to fight. Last week was a different matter. A lot of the reasons were similar to yours.

Here's how I see it at the moment (which is a long way from how I saw it on Friday). We have to find our strengths and work from there. We think differently to most humans, and I often have to bite my tongue when it comes to the trivialities most of them are interested in. On the other hand, there is research that shows we tend to be more honest, both in what we say (which can get us into trouble) and what we do (which can get us exploited).

Don't get me into rant mode on the bullies! Mind you, there's a few of those around here, although I think some of them are NT trolls.

On the other hand, there are people who value that kind of honesty. There are people who find soap operas just as boring as you or I. You need to find them - and that's hard if you struggle in groups the way I (and by the sound of it, you) do. I've found less hazardous environments. I hate pubs, for example, but I find independent coffee shops can be good places to meet people if you can find the nerve to strike up a conversation.

Resistance to the sheep way of doing things is hard, especially when you can't fit into it and it's resist or die. Which route you take is up to you. I'm going to urge you to try the resistance route, but I wish you luck either way.

Strength and honour!

A hundred posts. I've just made Raven. I love ravens. They're smart birds, often found in the mountains, which I also love.

Not too sure about some of their feeding habits, though.

I should have mentioned. I read a really interesting article last week in New Scientist. It was about how major advances in human technological development are linked to the emergence of the same genes that cause various psychological "disorders", including AS. It seems that these genes gave our species in general, and those who expressed those genes in particular, an evolutionary edge. I blogged on the subject, mainly in the context of developing a post-capitalist society (I'm involved with the Occupy movement and some human rights stuff), but you might like to read it:

http://runakuna.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/occupy-for-a-more-compassionate-society/

It might help you put things into a different perspective, perhaps one that will enable you to identify your strengths (and find something the smarter girls might find appealing - as opposed to some bimbo, or woman whose idea of fun involves getting drunk several times a week, and whose company you can do without anyway).

At least, I hope so.

double post

I'm not looking for a "hot girl"...I am looking for a girl that's attractive to me...but I'm not even physically attracted to the types of women whose company I wouldn't want anyway. I'm attracted to girl next door/sassy/artsy types...they're just hard to find, and absolutely nowhere to be found where I live.

I crave both the physical attraction, emotional connection, and physical affection (not necessarily just sex...but cuddling/making out/petting etc.)

Good news is it sounds like I'm going to be in a really good band with people I really get along with. No craigslist douchebags or anything.

And whoever said I need a change of scenery is right. Even my brother was discussing with my mother (after he heard about last night) that a lot of it is the location.

I've lived in the same town my entire life, a 10 minute walk from the schools I was bullied and harassed at. I'm a country guy, and no scenery to be found here. Unfortunately I don't have any money of my own other than disability and don't have the capability to make a lot of money.

I guess I just feel like I was a mistake. Something seems wrong and I can't quite put my finger on it and it goes beyond aspergers and bad social skills. I don't feel like a part of the world. Even when I enter the world, I feel like someone from a different planet. I feel like an actor who wasn't given my script.

It's weird though, then I see different parts of the world (outside of my general area, even if it's just an hour away) and I'm happy all of a sudden.