Borderline personality disorder

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I just heard about this an hour ago, when I came across it as I was musing on Wikipedia. It's even more startling to see how accurately it describes me, given that I'd given up on finding an explanation of myself. Various symptoms are listed as diagnostic criteria, in more than one list. This is the most prominent list, and I know myself to clearly possess traits nos. 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 9, and to a slightly lesser extent no. 3.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

But it is in another diagnostic list (of the "impulsive" type of BPD) that I found something so strikingly descriptive of me, and something that I thought was so trivial and stupid it would never be found in a list of diagnostic criteria, that I actually gasped and stopped reading for a moment, before I composed myself and continued:

1. Marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences;
2. Marked tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized;
3. Liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioural explosions;
4. Difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;
5. Unstable and capricious mood.

It's the one in bold. I am not lying in any way when I tell you that I have actually said that to my friends. I don't have a job, and I badly need one. I'm 21 years old, and I'm a musician and avid film and music fan. I need a job on the side (at least for now), to be able to do what I want to do, but I just can't bring myself to go through an intensive job search. In the past I attributed this to a lack of motivation stemming from what I thought at the time was clinical depression, but after a while I realized it was just the lack of immediate results that prevented me. I could envision the happy outcome, but knowing that it wasn't certain, and that I faced a long period of uncertainty, even with a successful outcome, just put me off so much to the point where I just could not do it.

My friends are unhappy with me, because I constantly complain about not having a job to them, and they always lash back by saying it's my own fault, and that I'm a lazy slob, and to stop going to them to complain if I was doing absolutely nothing about it. I told them it was the lack of an immediate result that stopped me. This was promptly met with ridicule; "You have to work to get anywhere in life, you lazy s**t!" etc.

I fear losing my friends. It is a debilitating fear. Sometimes when I'm alone I may get into depressive thought-processes and think about how good they are to not yet have told me to get lost for good, while at the same time cursing them for not being perceptive enough to consider that there might actually be a psychological problem in my brain (which they've closed themselves off to, because of my two years of, "I'm an Aspie; I can't help it!"). I think this fear of abandonment has helped shaped my personality: that of someone who is caring, helpful, understanding (to the best of my abilities), so as to give people good reason to trust me and remain in my company. This in turn leaves me frustrated as I'm not given enough opportunities to actually help people. I can get quite angry at my friends and even shut down completely when I bare that part of myself in any way, them seeing it as too saccharine or sentimental, or even too latently homosexual, and making fun of me, or ridiculing me for it.

There was one occasion where one of my closest friends had drunk too much at a party, and he was in and out of consciousness. A few others and I were all trying to help him (we were all quite fiendishly drunk, I might add), and we had conflicting views as to what to do. Some said to get him up and walking, others said to leave him there until he had sobered up a bit. I wasn't entirely sure of what to do, but I knew that forcing him up was not the best thing to do, and I voiced my concern to the others. Some agreed, some didn't. Much drunken, non-violent confusion ensued, and people one by one started to leave the party. Eventually it was three of us left, with our unconscious friend, and various others who were at the party but who weren't involved in the current situation. One of them suggested taking him out to a taxi and taking him with them to the hotel room they had booked for a post-party party (which I wanted no part of), and I disagreed, saying he should be taken home instead. At this point we hear him stirring, and he mumbles, "I just want...", followed by my name. That was an absolutely glorious moment. It was vindication. It was approval for me to come into my own. It gave me permission to ignore the stupid suggestions of the other two and do what I knew to be best, as in that moment my psychological balloon had inflated to its fullest, and I felt twelve feet tall. I carried him out to a taxi and we went to his house, and he suggested I stay there. Getting him to bed took a while, as he kept passing out on the floor in different parts of the house, and he was still throwing up the next morning, so I was still a helper to him into the next day. Strange as it may seem to an outsider, but that was one of the best nights of my life.

That last paragraph is purely anecdotal, but I want to open this thread up to general discussion of borderline personality disorder. I think I'm finally going to seek a diagnosis, given the striking accuracy of the symptoms with regards to me, and the downward spiral in which I've found myself in recent weeks. Please share your thoughts.

(BTW: I was listening to this beautiful song while I was writing this, and I think it helped me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmjRhy2vmvs)

I have 1, 6, 7, and 8.

I'm too much of a loner to have interpersonal relationships. I'm hetero-romantic asexual. I'm over 30 and never bothered to date because I'm too insecure about my sexuality. I figure my chances of ever having a relationship are nill as 99.9999% of females want sexual intimacy. I just want emotional/romantic intimacy. I do feel empty and lonely all the time though. I want to have someone depends on me and lovingly values me rather than me always depending on others, but I feel like I'm just too emotionally f****d up and depressed to function in life or be of any benefit to anyone. That kills me inside.

I'm not reckless or impulsive except when I have violent meltdowns or periods of severe stress or anger. I've had an episode or two of road rage. I had a physical fight with some jerk that was tailgating my father at a gas station. I got so angry I felt like I could have literally kill this person if no one had pulled us apart. I just saw red to the point where I was on the brink of blacking out from the rage. It was just like a black hole sucking me in. I was totally out of control and felt almost numb, like I was in some kind of trance. After I was separated I was still so angry I punched my car as hard as I could. I later realized I'd hurt my hand pretty bad but there was no pain at all at the time. I was so angry I could experience no pain. Luckily no one called the police or pressed charges or anything.

Some psychological evaluations I've had classified my as "borderline" along with clinical depression. I take it with a grain of salt though as I really wasn't certain how to respond honestly and accurately to a bunch of loaded true/false questions. I don't think I'm truly borderline. I just have severe depression with occasional crazy mood swings on top. I just see myself as a highly intelligent but ultra-sensitive and moody person. I don't take criticism from people I see as idiots. I also have strong protective feelings towards people I see as vulnerable that sometimes results in me filling with rage. I suppose I have too much sympathy/empathy. I get angry at all the unfair crap in the world. So sometimes I see myself as too vulnerable and the world as cold and hostile and it makes me want to lash out at some people. I'm extremely self-critical as well though. I hate myself when I'm so full of ugly emotion that I end up hurting and scaring my own family members.

I thought maybe I was bipolar but it feels like my moods are too situational. The depression is fairly constant but there are always triggers for the worst downward spirals. Yea, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can relate to some things that BPD people experience and can probably better understand than the normal person. Ultimately I don't feel I have the same thing though. Most BPD people seem too NT. They try hard to fit in with people to the point of compromising themselves. I'm not that way at all. My identity is that of an intellectual loner.

I can also relate to having trouble with things I have little motivation for that don't have an immediate reward. It's amazing I was able to get through graduate school, but that was only because I got to work on something that was in my special interest field. Even so, it was pretty hellish staying motivated and I almost dropped out. I think I can put some of this down to depressive anhedonia combined with autistic inertia though. I also might have some mild ADHD symptoms as I did struggle a lot with boredom even as a child, before I became depressed. I can't concentrate well on things that don't interest me. I can't tell you the last novel I've read because I never have the patience if I'm not immediately interested in the story. Most of my stimulation comes from browsing the internet until I make myself utterly bored with that.

I can sorta relate to 3,5,6,7,9 But borderline is considered mild bipolar and I already know I have bipolar.

I'd say diagnosing and differentiating mental/personality disorders is like trying to pinpoint a physical disease which shares symptoms in common with a lot of other diseases..
Just because your aspergers shares a few symptoms with BPD doesnt mean you have BPD.

Unless other symptoms pop up I would not worry too much and work on getting help for AS symptoms which cause disruption IE poor emotional regulation, problems with social identity, rapidly changing moods, etc ..these are problems I have as well and because of my tendency to ramble and focus a lot on 'self', and extreme reaction to social rejection... I have been labelled with all kinds of mental and personality disorders by common folks

Well, i am schiz, and you have some of the symptoms I do. My wife (scuse me, exwife) had BPD and it is one of the most horrid things I have ever been exposed to. The fact that you are researching things and taking steps is just totally cool, you dont know how much I admire you for doing this. With that said, getting some help is the best thing you can do, and then hooking up with some meds of course. I tried to get my ex into this program they have for BPD and maybe it will be of help to you, so let me find it here real quick. Also, feel free to join my new online art community (had to get in the shameless plug).

Here you go.

http://www.olympiacenterfordbt.com/

I also found this list, and it may be of help to you.

http://depts.washington.edu/ebpi/list.php

Keep in touch and let me know how it goes, like I said, I really admire you stepping up, 99% of the people with BPD never do, and it destroys the lives of those around them.

I think the jury is still out on there being a bipolar/BPD connection. I'm not saying there is not one, just that (last I heard) this claim is based on only one study that found a higher correlation between bipolar and BPD and bipolar and other personality disorders.

Could you point me in the direction of any links, articles or books where BPD has been definitively declared "mild bipolar?" Its been about a year since really looked at BPD, so perhaps some more research has come to light?

FWIW, I do remember reading somewhere in this book (link) that a diagnosis of BPD can make it extremely difficult to find someone to work with you as a therapist. Apparently there's an extremely high number of malpractice cases brought by BPD sufferers, both in absolute terms and as a percentage of the total diagnosed as such. And due to this there's more than a few therapists that literally will not take on anyone with a BPD diagnosis. (I'd find the exact quote but it that link was to a library book I returned quite a while ago. Wish I had the book at hand. )

No. Borderline is NOT the same as bipolar.
It is a personality disorder, cloesly realted to traumatication and has to be there at least since around 15 what I read.
Beeing Borderline means that the person has an unstable self and a black and white thinking.
Most doctors I know beliefe that Borderline and autism can't accour together, eventhough also many autistic people have emotional tandrums and so on, but that's because of the autism.

Autistic people think totaly different. They think in patterns, very rational with routine etc.
Borderlinethinking is the total opposite. Black and white, emotional, no routine etc.

What both have is problems with the amygdala, the emotional part, but the rest seems to take totally different directions.

In my country Borderline is a VERY popular diagnoses for every disturbet teenager with problems, because of the diagnostic criterias. A lot of people with psychological problems have emotional problems, attanded suicide more than once and so on. But that still doesn't have to be Borderline. In fact Borderline is very hard to diagnose and has to be done very carefully.

Totally agree!
Most doctors don't take the time to look deply into the problems a person has. They just labe you with a diagnoses, but autism is very complex and can mimic a hole bunch of disorders without having them.