The lone holdout and my go-to guy in the family, dad.

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, so I've admitted my homosexual attractions to everyone else in the family, and for the most part they accept it (maybe aside from some internalized religious objections). So, over the years, I've tried to tell my dad that I am gay. But every time I've spoken to him about it, he instantly becomes much more guarded. He will accept my socialist political beliefs, my non-religious perspective (for the most part, although he thinks I should have a religion, even Buddhism), but when it comes to my sexual orientation, he doesn't want to believe that I am gay. When I first brought it up to him more than 3 years ago, he fearmongered me on how terrible the gay lifestyle was, how I would get AIDS or an STD really quickly, that the experience of anal sex would psychologically and physically hurt me. Maybe my lack of a romantic, sexually-intensive relationship at 24 years old weakens my case. After all, a lot of my friends (who are liberal to libertarian) make the claim that I am bisexual at worst. I've never felt any sort of physiological reaction to being around women, especially women deemed "attractive" by the vast majority of masculindom.

He's softened up over time, telling me that he will love me and accept me no matter what, but he still wants me to give him grandchildren. And in a heart-to-heart talk tonight (which dealt with a lot of unrelated things), he also called homosexuality an "abnormal lifestyle." I tried to tell him that I am not your stereotypical "camp" gay, that I plan to be very careful about having protected sex with other men, and that I am conscious of the fact that the state we live in lacks anti-discrimination protections.

Now, having said all that, ,y dad has been the one person in my family with whom I've felt like stands behind me on a lot of other things. I've supported him (and he's helped me deal with a lot of my hurts after him and my mother divorced). He's gone out of his way to stand up for me and help me with dealing with my combative and belligerent youngest sister. He also has a love-hate relationship with her in a lot of ways.

I don't know if I should just drop it and accept that he will not accept my sexual choices fully or continue trying to explain things to him. I suppose my continued virginity shows a lack of commitment to my feelings. I just don't want him to go to the grave not understanding the situation completely. I do understand that he said he loves me no matter what, but I just can't help. Maybe I'm being unfair to him in having such high expectations.

How long have you had to come to terms with your sexuality? If you're 24, chances are that you've had a solid decade to do so.

Your father has not had as long to come to terms with it, and he can only do it second-hand. You say that he has softened up over time, and there is no reason to believe that this won't continue. We all grow and change throughout our lives, and parents are no exception to this.

Your dad sounds pretty great, all things considered. James makes a really good point, and I agree with him, your dad has been coming to terms with you being gay and he's going to likely continue to do so.

My dad is a lot like how you've described yours, he's the only person in my family who accepts me for who I am. He also has a hard time with his conflicting beliefs, and expects grandchildren. He's had more than a few years to deal with this and over time he's become much more accepting. My first girlfriend was treated with respect and girlfriends I've had over the years are still considered "family" by him. He does still make comments that indicate he has difficulty with accepting my identity.

I guess I would be labeled bisexual. The last male I dated lead to my dad saying "Why don't you go back to dating girls?" I got a laugh out of that but I've come to realize even if my dad has a hard time dealing with it, he loves me for who I am and he extends his respect for me to those I date.

I think it's likely your dad will become more accepting over time. It's really great that he's already supportive of you, I think that's a wonderful sign of things to come.

"Bisexual at worst"?

First off, you should change your attitude and/or your vocabulary and word choices to be more agreeable to who you are. You're gonna have a real hard time with anything if your mental cogs are grinding against one another.

As for your father's reluctant attitude toward accepting your sexual orientation: you can't force someone to take up a certain attitude on one thing or another. I understand and empathize with your desire for your father to understand the situation. For your father though, this is a matter of personal acceptance on his part, which only he can do. You've done most everything you can do: you've demonstrated your awareness of the need to be cautious with sex, you've demonstrated that this is how you are oriented and that it's not strictly a way of getting attention, and you've done what you can to work with him on this.

Now he needs to see and accept that he has nothing to fear and every reason to accept you for who you are, whoever you might be.