Gay bars and dancing

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My mentor recently told me when I get ready for a relationship some dancing might be required...would it really make a large difference? I don't care about dancing at all and don't want to look into trying it unless I am sure it truly makes a difference.

Kinda have to go to gay bars to find mates if you are gay sadly. COuld find great people in society but most would be straight.

I have never heard of that-well I have never been to a bar and picked anyone up or have been picked up sad to say.

I get ignored in gay bars so I stopped going years ago.

same here. and i wouldn't dance if they paid me.

I think my motor skills affect my dancing. I dance horribly but comically. Only my close friends have ever seen me dance but I would dance with somebody if they were my life partner. It can be just as romantic to do other things, just be creative. As for gay clubs I think there's actually a danger going there when you don't want to dance and you are a wallflower and that's because you go to the bar instead and start drinking. Alcohol made me VERY social...way TOO social. lol

No-one is going to approach you if you're just stood to the side just drinking.

They are right. You need to dance a little, so you look more fun and approachable.

I got lucky and befriended an Aspie gay guy who also happened to be a go-go dancer (strange but true). He taught me how to dance at the club. So I'm an androgynously queer somewhat female, dancing like a gay cage dancer. It's a strange sight but at least I can dance.

I've never been to a gay bar in my life, and I've had plenty of relationships.

Bars are not good for the psyche, in my view.

I could care less about drinking or how many people went to gay bars. I am asking if knowing how to dance would make finding a boyfriend at one more likely.

It might make you more likely to get a boyfriend, but he'd like you for doing something you don't even like.

You don't have to do anything like this if you're not comfortable with it. There is this little thing called the "internet"--may be too modern of an invention for your mentor. There is nothing wrong with using that to meet people and get to know them a little better before meeting them in person, doing something that is comfortable for you. This actually works and is very common. Don't let people tell you you "have" to do anything like this if you don't want to do it. It's honestly not necessary. There are plenty of gay people out there who never do this kind of thing (gay bars, gay stereotypical activities, dancing and dance music, etc.), or who aren't interested in it any more than you might be. Gay people are not any more monolithic than anyone else. Just be true to yourself, and be creative, but do what feels good and comfortable for you. This should be fine. Follow your own standards and inclinations--don't let other people tell you what you should have to do, or that you need to be a gay clone. There is far more diversity in the world than that, and it's not necessary to sell yourself short.

And how would one go about this? Using dating sites and testing for compatibility before agreeing to meet? I thought most lied on those sites to get more attention....but they would like super mainstream things, so it doesn't really matter.

Well, ST, one may do this along the lines of how I (diagnosed autistic adult) met my partner of 13 years (and counting). I didn't say anything about "dating sites", did I? How are these equivalent to what one would encounter going to clubs like this. They're not. This is not what I'm recommending. I'm talking about things like chatting online where you can interact with the person in a written format rather than face-to-face. Things like gay chat lines. As I said "be creative". I don't have all the answers for you. I'm just trying to lead you in a direction that might be beneficial for you, as it had been for me in a similar situation. I'm telling you: I cannot do "bars", "dancing" etc. I'm assuming, based on your comments, that you feel similarly.

I have no idea what you mean about "super mainstream so it doesn't really matter". Just trying to give you some helpful feedback from someone who has been in that situation. Take it or leave it.

Here's what else is "super mainstream": Connecting with a person to form a relationship. I am by no means what anyone who knew me would consider "mainstream". We are all humans here though (that would include you too). You can't say you want something, and ask other people how to get it, and then say at the same time "but it would be really uncool to have it". Doesn't work.

I think you got the wrong impersonations of what I mean by "super mainstream"...I am no hipster. I just hate when people pretend to like crappy pop and such to fit in. One of my favorite bands is Disturbed and they are popular but have substance. And so on.

And yes, I hate bars and dancing. So the online gay chatting seems like it would work best. Out of curiosity did you have to deal with many people that were trying to fit the bear/twink stereotypes? I am guessing online most would be other people looking for an alternative to gay bars.

How long did it take you to find a partner haidouk?

Sorry for misunderstanding. I think the bear/twink thing and all kinds of other "models" or stereotypes are things that plague all gay culture (although I don't really think that is a good word for it) in general. However you interact, you will meet these kinds of people. These are just based on people's sexual fetishes. Gay people (the ones who seem most visible at least) have a knack for playing these up, to a point that it becomes ridiculous. The thing I liked about the online chatting is that you met all kinds of people--even those who wouldn't put themselves out as being "gay" publicly, but who were gay because they simply "were" (by the actual definition of it--because they found themselves sexually attracted to the same gender rather than the opposite).

It's not all a bed of roses--I just found it to be kind of effective. I didn't go into that as a way to "find a boyfriend' but simply as a way to hook up with people. I was just coming out to myself at that time after a lot of suppression of this, and it very sex-oriented for me then. But this is kind of a way to cut through a lot of nonsense and actually discover people and maybe find someone who you find connects to you and you connect to on a more substantial level. My experience at least. The thing about being gay (a gay male, that is) is that it's not so difficult to find simple connections with people as it is on a male-female scenario. It is actually very easy. Even for someone with AS, finding sex should be really no trouble--this is distinctly different from what it would be like for an Aspie man looking for the same sort of thing from a woman. I can't even imagine how horrible that would be. He would have to jump through all kinds of hoops, read all kinds of cues, engage in all kinds of socializing games, etc. So in that sense, you should take it as an advantage that you are who you are, rather than as a disadvantage. Relationships aren't usually constructed on a substantial basis initially. Usually something interests you, then another thing, then another--each one seemingly trivial--and it all builds into something much bigger and enduring. That's how I find them to be anyway. So I wouldn't go into anything thinking "this will be my boyfriend". Just feel it out, and see. You can't make anything like this happen anyway, you just have to be there when it does. I realize this probably seems like totally useless information--it would to me, I know, ha! Just sharing what my experience has been in the hopes that someone might get something useful out of it.

Best withes, and again, respect yourself and don't let this kind of thing get you down. We can have a lot of challenges, but in the end I really believe they can make us better, stronger people. There is a LOT of triviality and nonsense in (again) "gay culture" which I really hate and don't identify with at all. Don't feel like you have to embrace it if you don't want to. Realize that the "gay community" is also made up of a lot of insecure people who have been bullied, repressed, intimidated, etc, and this facade you see in terms of this kind of stuff is nothing more than a reaction to that. If you don't identify with it, as I don't, don't feel bad about it. Just be who you are. Don't apologize to anyone for who you are. Love yourself. That is the best way for you to find success in partnerships, or anything else like that. Confidence is the most attractive thing to anybody else. Be happy with yourself whatever you find yourself to be. Don't feel apologetic you have AS