Is it possible to mask so that you even fool yourself?

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I ask because, having done weeks and weeks of research, I'm coming to the conclusion that although I have clear (but mild) spectrum traits, I doubt I could ever fit the diagnostic criteria (DSM IV/V or any others). And I also don't struggle in the way so many people here and in other places describe (e.g. no obvious sensory issues).

The things I do struggle with seem to be one step removed from the core set of symptoms. E.g. I understand many examples of social etiquette, but I just don't see the point of them and so I find it dishonest and tiresome to conform.

However, particularly because I'm both female and intelligent, I'm aware that my understanding could be learned and certainly there is often an element of conscious reasoning involved in my ability to relate to other people. Consequently I've been trying really hard to think back to childhood to see if there were any signs or patterns there. But again, most of what I can remember was one step removed. E.g. if someone fell over and hurt their knee I would see them cry and understand their pain, but I would quietly slip away and let someone else deal with it because I didn't know how to approach someone in floods of tears.

So the crux: On the whole my memories of my childhood and adulthood are fairly uneventful. No real concerns were ever raised about me academically or socially though I was very shy. I was regarded as weird at school, but I wasn't bullied (I don't think). I think I've always understood people well enough, but I've always been a bit awkward. I have a career now and I do okay though I've been feeling pretty fed up with humans at work today. It just makes me wonder... Are my perceptions so vague and insignificant because I'm mostly NT and there's nothing very odd to perceive or is it because I'm a lot more oblivious than I realised? Could I be worse with people than I thought, but never had anyone tell me so clearly? I imagine if I manage to be suitably engaged, polite and unconfrontational that perhaps no-one in a country like the UK would point out any other social faults.

Thoughts anybody?

Last edited by Filipendula on 21 Sep 2012, 3:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Not sure of what trait you want to mask?

As for fooling yourself, I would refer you to the theory of Brain Plasticity.

Sorry, I guess I didn't make the title all too clear. It's not that I want to mask anything, it's that I see the shadows or repercussions of several traits in my life, but I can't see the traits themselves. I wonder if they're there and I'm blind to them or if this is something else entirely.

Some examples:
- I see and understand facial expressions without issue, or at least I think I do. But then maybe everyone else is seeing more than I am and I'm good enough socially that I'm not aware that I'm missing out on anything. My only clue specific to this is that I often seem to be lagging behind a little in group communications, but there could be several reasons for that.

- I don't think I have problems with Theory of Mind. But I know I always refer someone else's experience back to myself e.g. "How would I feel if I had that job dumped on my desk? Ah, she must be feeling apathetic", this is as far as I can go with empathy and it seems to work, but it doesn't take the other person's personality or context into account. Is that normal? What do NT's do?

- I don't think I really ever had tantrums or meltdowns as a kid. But I did cry a lot when upset and still do as an adult. Doing this as an adult seems like a bit of a tell-tale sign (crying meltdown), but from what I remember as a child it was just normal kiddie upsetness and nothing out of the ordinary (but I could be wrong) so I can't say with any certainty at all that I have a history of crying meltdowns. So maybe crying as an adult is due to some other dysfunction.

Basically, I feel like there's something there, but they're all just wisps of smoke that I can't quite grasp. I feel most Aspie's twig on to the condition a lot more than this when they first come across it, but then it's still very unknown territory for the high functioning female isn't it.

Thanks for reference to brain plasticity - will check it out. Still would love more feedback from anyone who relates to anything I'm saying, or even from anyone who deosn't. Almost everything on WrongPlanet is interesting.

I would have to say that "masking" is a conscious effort. Sometimes it's like learning how to play a musical instrument for people. You don't sound as if you have done this. Your assessment of your traits is that they are not striking. We refer to it as a spectrum because it has a range. I compare it to the ocean. Some people with Autism are in the water over their heads. They are the ones who are so incapacitated that they require care. Those of us with AS are standing in the shallow waves. Some only ankle deep, others a bit further out.
You are in the shallows. Not to worry that your traits are not dramatic.
If you truly want to pursue this, then you'll have to go to a trained therapist.
They can properly evaluate symptoms, and give you a DX of how ASpie you are.

Maybe you are BAP, and you have both autistic and neurotypical traits, and you know moar social stuff than most autistic people, but you are moar awkward than most neurotypical people in your eggsecution of social behaviors. That fits BAP pretty well, I think.

My view is that since autism is a spectrum, you could be at a high enough end that you have some of the traits, but don't quite fall into the "clinically disabled" portion of the spectrum.

I was unsure of my own diagnosis for awhile until I started watching videos created by other people with Asperger's. I could see myself in and relate to almost all of them. It's a completely different perspective than just reading about the symptoms from a list of criteria.

One set of videos that particularly opened my mind were about how women and girls present their symptoms differently. So many of the problems I had as a child, that I thought were just personality flaws, actually followed a pattern of traits in other girls with Asperger's. Here's one of the videos, even though she goes over several topics. The rest of the videos I liked were the same woman talking, but I apparently didn't save them :/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA9HxiPV ... 5FFDBEA475

I feel like I focused on myself too much, but I think I understand what you're saying and I hope this helps.

That's not quite TOM. TOM is meant to describe the intuitive process that may include further concious thoughts about the topic of consideration but doesn't necessarily include such additional "logical" conclusions/plans for actions. It's not about putting yourself into another's shoes by thinking about the situation and actively comparing them to yourself/referring to your own experiences.

I'm not saying that you don't have TOM but what you described here is not "real" TOM according to the oh-so-mighty scientists.



They usually start with social intuition/intuitive "analysis" and take it from there.

Thanks for all the responses! Some interesting points/suggestions made. I'll see how much time I have to respond to some now.

Hmm. Yes, good point. And as an adult I can say that I do make a conscious effort to follow certain social protocols all the time. But I don't really remember doing that as a child, though my memory seems to be failing me badly in giving me a sense of my own behaviour back then. I do remember learning that eye contact is important and taking that to heart and ensuring I used it thereafter because I felt I'd probably been lacking it. But I don't know if I was taught that explicitly because I was bad at it or if I was more or less bad at it than an average shy person. There are a lot of things like this that I remember teaching myself over time. But again no-one ever told me there was a striking deficit before.



Agreed, or perhaps even just standing on some damp sand. I do feel incapacitated in many ways, but if I described them I would immediately have a range of justified verdicts thrown my way: Social Anxiety, Social Phobia, Depression, Executive Function Problems being some of the most obvious. But underneath that it feels like there's just something else - the true cause of everything, but too mild to clearly define.



And there we have my first issue. I'm really working myself up to it and I might get there eventually. But I've been living in the same place for nearly 4 years and I still haven't registered with the doctor even though I'm now rationing the contents of my asthma inhaler which expired in 2003. This is partly the anxiety of dealing with receptionists and doctors etc. But largely because the surgery is a 5 minute walk in the wrong direction and I just can't get around to it. It feels like such a struggle and I even had the form once (which instantly annoyed me) and then I trampled it, and then I lost it, and now I have to start all over again. Aargh!

Yes, definitely at least BAP and possibly no more than BAP, but then that implies a satisfactory level of functioning doesn't it? I.e. not clinically significant enough to warrant diagnosis/support.

What do BAP people do if they find it does affect them? Do they just accept a diagnosis of something like Social Anxiety instead and never look beyond that to the root causes? Although the Social Anxiety behaviours may apply, the reasons for them probably don't fit so well. It ends up compounding a feeling of being different or misunderstood.

I never knew there was surgery for AS. I really must look into this, since I have no fear of going under the scalpel.