Did you act differently after finding out you had an ASD?

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SarahB88
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07 Jan 2013, 12:48 pm

jk1 wrote:
arthead wrote:
Diagnosed at 34. Then I stopped trying so hard.


This. I haven't been diagnosed, but I realized that there's no point in trying any more because my brain is fundamentally different from the majority. It will never work.

Now I don't feel too bad about behaving the way I do and even if I'm seen as weird, I have a good reason to be different and I don't care if someone doesn't like my way of being. So, I guess I might have gained a certain level of self-confidence, though I'm still a very insecure person.

Even before I found out the existence of such a thing as AS, I knew there must be something in my brain that was making me so fundamentally different from the others. So, learning about AS explained pretty much everything about the difficulties of my life. I find it so liberating. So, for me it's all positive. Hopefully I can start planning my life a bit better from now on.



I did notice I changed after finding out I had AS, but it was a great change! Everything finally made sense, my entire life came together... All the "problems" I had were no longer problems any longer... All the pretending and trying to be someone else immediately came to an end... I didn't feel like I had to be anything else anymore... Even though I'd spend the last year "discovering" myself, which I really did, but at the same time I was trying to forcibly change these oddities about myself, but noticed I couldn't change them! It kept coming back!

So when I found out about AS, it relaxed me... Brought me peace... It allowed me to be completely myself and not worry about what anyone thought of me...

I also became MORE autistic than before, but only because I relaxed and stopped mimicking "normal" and "channeling" others, as someone put it... It really opened up my eyes to many of my mannerisms and feelings I experienced, and many I had buried because at some point or another I was told it was wrong or was poor behavior, especially in social things... But now, if I'm feeling autistic, I just let it out! It's ok! I'm not "neurotypical", so I won't pretend to be! It's exhausting to do so!

If I feel like I don't want to look anyone in the eyes, then I won't force myself to put myself through that discomfort! If I don't know how to take your attitude or "joke" that feels serious to me, then I probably won't respond or I'll just walk away... If I can't get the right words to come out of my mouth, even though the thoughts are there and in order, I'll just be silent or say that I don't know what to say... If I want to chew my fingers, I'll allow myself.. If loud noises are aggravating my ears or you're talking too loud, I'll go sit by myself... In social scenes, I'll probably be sitting in a corner, or hiding behind my best friend... I spent the majority of my 24 years trying to be something else when I wasn't liked or hiding what I am... I just want to be me, now... It's ok! I have Aspergers!!



jetbuilder
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07 Jan 2013, 1:15 pm

AinsleyHarte wrote:
I was starting to question myself and thought I may be sub-consciouslly "putting on an act," and wondered if I needed to be re-restricting my behaviors. Now that I've read this, I am feeling much better about it.

Self-diagnosed for now (though I had several people within a few weeks of each other tell me I should get tested for AS before I decided to read about it,) and it has been about three months since the realization. I am an incredibly self-conscious person, so I have hidden my "traits" from most everyone that knows me, and there were times I felt like I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't allow myself to show them (proven history of this happening back in 2009.) Once the after-glow of realizing I had AS faded (it still catches me off guard every once and a while) I started to loosen up the reigns I was practically choking myself with - my anxiety and mood have been off the charts due to unrelated events, but instead of bottling every feeling or urge as I usually did, I allowed myself to behave "how I do when I'm alone" more often.


I can relate to this completely!
I to felt for a while that I was trying to force myself to fit the aspergers mold by adopting some of the traits of AS. Then I started to look back on my life and realized that I always had these traits, I just suppressed them until now.

For example: I used to force myself to make eye contact. I wasn't really aware that I shouldn't need to FORCE it and that it comes naturally to most people. Since I learned about AS, I'm not forcing myself to make eye contact. I just do what comes naturally to me now, which is glance at their face for a fraction of a second then look around the room while talking.

I have also realized that I am also quite self conscious around people. So I always pretend to be what I think people expect me to be. In other words, I've never really been myself around people. If someone was watching me when I thought I was completely alone, they would definitely not think of me as normal! :lol:

I'm still trying to get more comfortable with letting people, even close friends, see the "real me".


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BlueAbyss
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07 Jan 2013, 4:44 pm

I wonder if one's reaction has a lot to do with the age at which one is diagnosed as well as how one comes to it, willingly or not.

When I was a teenager, I can imagine that if I'd been told I had to go see a doctor and they told me I had Asperger's, it would have been one more confirmation of my weirdness that might very well have been experienced negatively. Like a final nail in the coffin of my hopes of having friends, leading a normal life. If it wasn't presented to me in the right way.

As it was, coming on the discovery on my own after a long life of being the oddball, it was a relief, it meant I wasn't somehow screwing up my own life all those years, that there was a valid reason for my differentness. It wasn't forced on me, I discovered it on my own, finally, when I sought an explanation for my meltdowns, which I'd experienced, though only occasionally, for over 50 years. The discovery opened up a new way of thinking about myself that wasn't so self-hating, confusing, discouraging. I learned, in the process, that I had in fact adapted very well during all those years, that it had been more of an accomplishment than a series of failures and half-successes. It was rather mind-blowing, and mostly positive.

To look back rather than to look forward to being different all one's life can be an incredibly different perspective.


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chlov
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07 Jan 2013, 5:22 pm

No.
I'm diagnosed since I was 6, found out when I was about to turn 14 and no, didn't change my life at all. Even if I'd have never been diagnosed, it would have been the same. Even if I would have been diagnosed later, it would have been the same.



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07 Jan 2013, 5:45 pm

Chloe33 wrote:
Anke wrote:
I think channeling means (I also used do that unconsciously and also don't do it anymore now) when you're talking to somebody, or spending lots of time with them in a work environment etc, you're taking on their mannerisms, their speech patterns etc. Sometimes in a social environment people notice it and think you make fun of them.

I've always used that ability to learn languages. It was funny in Nigeria when I started talking in pidgin English.


Do you mean assimilating?
I thought channeling was a scientific term for the changing of properties..
Assimilating is absorbing things from the mainstream, or other people that we can take on ourselves and thus project.


Scroll to definition #14 under the "World English Dictionary" heading:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/channel



TonyHoyle
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07 Jan 2013, 5:55 pm

I'm still only suspected AS, but it changed my life completely - I've gone from beating myself up about not knowing now to socialise, being different, excluded, etc. to accepting that's the way I am. In fact I went too far the other way, and just stopped trying to be 'normal' at all, which is counterproductive.

Finding the middle ground where I'm happy to be is something I'm still working at.



AinsleyHarte
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12 Jan 2013, 7:06 pm

jetbuilder wrote:
AinsleyHarte wrote:
I was starting to question myself and thought I may be sub-consciouslly "putting on an act," and wondered if I needed to be re-restricting my behaviors. Now that I've read this, I am feeling much better about it.

Self-diagnosed for now (though I had several people within a few weeks of each other tell me I should get tested for AS before I decided to read about it,) and it has been about three months since the realization. I am an incredibly self-conscious person, so I have hidden my "traits" from most everyone that knows me, and there were times I felt like I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't allow myself to show them (proven history of this happening back in 2009.) Once the after-glow of realizing I had AS faded (it still catches me off guard every once and a while) I started to loosen up the reigns I was practically choking myself with - my anxiety and mood have been off the charts due to unrelated events, but instead of bottling every feeling or urge as I usually did, I allowed myself to behave "how I do when I'm alone" more often.


I can relate to this completely!
I to felt for a while that I was trying to force myself to fit the aspergers mold by adopting some of the traits of AS. Then I started to look back on my life and realized that I always had these traits, I just suppressed them until now.

For example: I used to force myself to make eye contact. I wasn't really aware that I shouldn't need to FORCE it and that it comes naturally to most people. Since I learned about AS, I'm not forcing myself to make eye contact. I just do what comes naturally to me now, which is glance at their face for a fraction of a second then look around the room while talking.

I have also realized that I am also quite self conscious around people. So I always pretend to be what I think people expect me to be. In other words, I've never really been myself around people. If someone was watching me when I thought I was completely alone, they would definitely not think of me as normal! :lol:

I'm still trying to get more comfortable with letting people, even close friends, see the "real me".


I had to go to the dentist yesterday. I am terrified of dentists. Usually, I will put on "that face" and pretend that I am not bothered by being there, then have a full-blown meltdown as soon as I get home. This time, I decided to allow myself the freedom to keep myself comfortable during the appointment. My friend came with me and was sitting in the room while they did my exam. He has known me for seven years, so he understands the amount of pressure I put on myself to "appear normal" in public. He was shocked to see me semi-discreetly stimming while they did my cleaning. It was the first time I've gone to the dentist and not had a panic attack or cried afterwards!

To my absolute delight, the people at the dental office recognized my behaviors and did their best to talk me through everything and keep me calm. There is yet hope for humanity in my eyes. I hope you're becoming more comfortable as well!


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Sharkgirl
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13 Jan 2013, 12:47 am

I am finally free to be me, I feel so much less self conscious knowing what I am all about and that there are others too.
I think the selfconsciousness made me much worse previously.
People comment that I am eccentric however they seem to like it.
Finally I feel like I can express my personality.
For a while I did slightly exaggerate the symptoms and had a friend who pointed it out, he was one of the only people I confided in about the diagnosis. He called me a ret*d as a joke and made fun of my stimming behaviours - he is no longer my friend.
I am making so many more friends now just being me.
So many changes in such a short space of time it feels great


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13 Jan 2013, 10:34 pm

This is a really great thread. I think we're all finding out that our initial reaction to being AS -- whether officially diagnosed or not -- was a shock to our systems. That we ALL felt like we started "putting on" when in reality we were just noticing things that we were always doing but had never noticed.

I sure wish this had been around when I was growing up. My mother has been telling me FOR YEARS that she thought there was something "wrong" with me. People have always treated me like I was made of glass -- not telling off-color jokes around me, not sharing anything that might seem "immoral" (drunk stories, brushes with the law), checking on me all the time, always needing to know where I was and making me check in all the time. I never could understand what all the "babying" was about as I felt "normal", if there is such a thing. But everybody else apparently saw me as an oddball in need of protecting.

I was in therapy when I was 17 (way back in 1977) and all they could come up with was that I had "low self-esteem". Since then, I've looked into bi-polar disorder, social anxiety disorder (this one has actually been diagnosed), OCD, depression...all seem to fit and not fit at all at the same time. Now that I've discovered AS I've stopped looking at other diagnoses. I've found where I belong. It's good to finally understand why I do the things I do and think the way I do. A couple of previous posters said that they no longer feel the need to do things like make eye contact or stop stimming in public. I hope I can get that confident one day. :)



Swordfish210
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14 Jan 2013, 7:25 am

Webalina wrote:
This is a really great thread. I think we're all finding out that our initial reaction to being AS -- whether officially diagnosed or not -- was a shock to our systems. That we ALL felt like we started "putting on" when in reality we were just noticing things that we were always doing but had never noticed.


I find this quite difficult myself. I mean my behaviour is differnet from day to day, probably due to stimuli etc., but I am not sure if I acted like this before or am I faking things unconciously or am I just noticing myself more? Sometimes I act 'more autistic' and I could stop myself with much effort, but I often feel it is too much effort. Should I stop, am I trying to get attention or should I just act as I feel?

Getting the diagnosis both made me more sure and made me doubt more.


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