very lonely

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Hey everyone, I am feeling very lonely and isolated. This is the only place that has given me some comfort. I find it near impossible to find and keep friends, despite my efforts. I recently made friends with a NT girl online and when we met up we had drinks together. Apparently I said some rude things to her while drunk and also did some things I did not know was inappropriate like helping myself to water from her house. She has gone on to make fun of me to her friends, I appologied to her sincerely and explained to her about the aspergers (at this point I am self diagnosed) she's not replied to me, I wrote to her very formally without any causes for confrontation, because I don't like arguments and will do anything to avoid them.

I live in a flat with 4 other people. I had a crush on one of my flat mates, but he subsequently told me he wasn't interested in me in that way, which I accepted but continued to try become friends with him. I've tried a lot, but he's doing his best to avoid me, which hurts, but I've come to accept he doesn't want to be my friend either.

I really just want a friend. I try very hard, but seem to always be faced with rejection. I'm trying to figure out what is it that makes me unapproachable so I can change and make friends.

How do the rest of you deal with lonelyness, and how many of you have made good friends and kept them, what's the secret?

Thank you.

*hugs*

I am so sorry that you have been rejected and that you feel loneliness due to this rejection; neither of those are very pleasant things to experience.

Most people do tend to "back away" from a person that is romantically interested in them but that they do not reciprocate such feelings for; I am uncertain as to why this is, though it appears to be due to a fear of "leading the other person on" (many people feel, or at least claim, that getting "too close" to a person only to hurt them later out of a lack of compatibility is painful for both parties involved, so they back away completely in fear of establishing any sort of relationship that can possibly end negatively). Many people are also avoidant of conflict and do not want to confront the fact that they hurt another person, even as indirectly as reciprocated feelings, so they avoid the subject of the rejection as much as possible. It is largely a self preservation technique, I am lead to believe.

Most of my friends are the ones in my head; I do not much know the secret to maintaining lasting friendships myself, though I do know that it involves proving your support of the person (doing "small acts of kindness," providing a listening, non-judgmental ear, being quick to apologize, sharing in their joy and accomplishments, even if you do not find said accomplishments to be prodigious or interesting, ect.) and continuing to reach out to the person (initiating conversation) often enough but not too often to be pestering (the proportions of this magical balance elude me, though once a week seems reasonable enough, unless the person in question has expressed otherwise).

If you are open for new online buddies, feel free to PM me at any time.

[edit] There's also a very nice Social Skills and Making Friends subforum that you might find useful: http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum7.html [/edit]

Belladonna, I think other than the particulars, you are describing the life of the aspie. I have found the best way to compensate for what you describe is to be my own best friend, and live a rich interior life. For me, this means reading a lot of stuff that is challenging. I really think if, heaven forbid, I were to be placed in solitary confinement that I could survive where NT's couldn't simply because I would be able to think of all the books that I have read, and could keep myself company. Of course, this approach can't completely compensate for the lack of others in our lives, simply because we need other people even if we don't always want them.

I think this approach has one additional benefit. If we can't accept ourselves for who we are, others likely won't be able to accept us either. While I'm still very much an aspie, I've found that I get along with others best when I can get along with myself.

Thank you both for your replies. I do find books to be of comfort. Books are kind of hit or miss for me, I generally don't enjoy fiction that much, especially if the story is complete fantasy, it seems if it's too unrealistic I can't relate to it, and don't really enjoy it. I enjoy reading accounts of real life situations ect.

A lot of the time I am comfortable it just being me, with my books, tv shows and computer games, but now and again (right now for instance) I feel a strong sense of loneliness and a desire for friendships.

Thank you werewolfpoet, I would love to be online buddies

Belladonna, actually I'm with you as I don't read much fiction either. Right now, I'm reading a book on the relationship between the Enlightenment philosophes, and paganism/classical thought. The Enlightenment was partially predicated on the belief that the best way to dispel fear about the world is to dispel ignorance of it. This is exactly what I've found reading good books does. So, even if I don't always fit into the world, I understand it better than most NT's, and it becomes that much less of a hostile and forbidding place. It's all about taking the time to understand things....

I will add that you are also welcome to PM if you feel the need for some companionship.

Hey, Belladona! I'm sorry to hear about that. I also experience loneliness. I'm not sure of the causes, but I think it might relate to Asperger's and my personality. I deal with the loneliness in a few ways. I generally listen to certain kinds of music that comfort me (I can give you a list, if you'd like). I also read the writings of certain authors or there are a few shows/movies I like (Monty Python is always a good one for me).

I wouldn't say that I have a lot of best friends, but the few I have are wonderful. The only advice I have on this is to find friends with similar interests. Before starting university, I had only several good friends - also found through a shared interest. The first few weeks I was at university were incredibly lonely. I had essentially no good friends, my roommate didn't speak to me, I was far from home, and lived a complete loner's existence (eating meals alone in the dining hall and going right back to my room or library after classes). But, thankfully, I soon found some clubs and organizations. There I was able to meet people who I developed a deep connection with. That's really the best advice I have, Belladona. I think it's best to find people who have a shared interest - that way there's a connection and something in common from the start. Otherwise, thing can be a bit challenging - like you might have to change yourself in ways you feel change who you are or the appearance of who you are.

As with the other posters, feel free to PM me. I would be happy to talk to you!