Fake it until you make it.

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You say she means everything to you -- I understand, I feel the same way about my wife.

So, explore that, logically. What would you give up for that relationship? How far would you go out of your comfort zone? Do you actually care about her happiness, or is she mostly a support system/carer for you?

Most of the time, I don't understand what my wife is feeling. If I can pick up on her general mood, I don't know the cause. Is she happy because we are together or because of something I did? Is she sad or angry because of something I did--or something I failed to do?

So I ask and I observe very closely. I understand that she will tell me about events in sequence, I tend to think about the events, but she is actually telling me about her experiential reality. If her narrative was a story, I would say it's not about the plot, it's the tone and theme.

So I try really hard to read through what she is saying, and frequently ask what she felt in the situation she is discussing. I use a set of techniques I learned in a class called active listening, mirroring back what I think she has said to verify the accuracy of my perceptions or guesses. The thing I have to remind myself is that the point is to understand her state of mind-- what the experiences she is relating mean to her, rather then the experiences themselves.

When I get it right, and she knows that I have understood her feelings, we have moments of a closeness that is one of the best things I have known in life.

I agree with the comment above that you may need to find a way to modify your job, or a different job, so you can get the energy to focus on your wife. At least, that's how it seems from my perspective, based on my relationship. Maybe it can work in some different way for you.

I've tried everything , clothing choices ( fashion) fitness , tattoos use of drugs and a lot more and still I'm the odd one out no matter what I've done so I've stopped trying to fit in id rather stay home than be exhausted from trying to act "normal".

For those who were able to see the "Neurotypical" POV on us public television, this makes me think of wolf and his excellent term, pseudotypical.

You have to do that at work and don't want to do that at home and your wife would not want an inauthentic version of you anyway, so you need to not fake it. But, she needs things from you, and you need to find a way to be there for her, authentically.

This is where you have to make keeping aware of her inner states a primary goal. Not to simulate the kind of attention other people might pay to her but to find your own way of compassionately sharing in her inner life.

Unless she is a totally different kind of person than I have known intimately, she will ultimately despise you if she feels your relationship is the result of fakery on your part. She may prerceive your faking as abusive manipulation. And you may come to resent the effort you put into faking for her, and over time this could also poison your relationship.

Adamantium- What you wrote makes perfect sense.

I get lazy in our relationship and sometimes lose track of the important things. I spend more time placating my co-workers so I can fit in than I do working on my relationship with my wife.

It comes down to which of those two things do I care about more. And that is a VERY easy decision to make.


I would rather be the odd, quite, weird co-worker, and be a supportive loving husband that tries everything he can to show his wife he loves her and makes her feel loved too, even if that is a hard thing to do.

I second that. After 22 years, I have never learned to fake it. Although, to be fair, I never really tried: I would not know where to begin.

To the OP: But judging from what you said, you never faked it in front of your wife. How long have you lived together? Why are you worried about it now? If she married you despite knowing who you really are, maybe you do not have to worry about it. She is probably used to it.

On second thought, you should at least listen to her. My own mother, who has known me for 22 years (obviously), sometimes complains when I get home from work, turn on my computer and avoid conversations. It makes sense: normal people cannot get used to us, the same way we can never truly get used to them.

Good luck! If she knows you are trying, great things can happen.

Simply by asking this question you have proven that you are not faking it with regards to your wife and your concern about your relationship with her. You clearly do want to "be there" for her. The real question is how do you do so and still get your needs met. I am no poster-child for successful relationships but I will offer you what I have learned by trial and often painful error.

Every healthy relationship must have a give-and-take element that allows each person to feel that their partner is satisfying their needs while at the same time feel they are satisfying their partner's needs. I think Willard's advice is the most constructive. Make that special time to be active in your wife's experiences a regular part of your schedule. Talk to her a lot. You have mentioned several times how much she means to you - I am going to assume you tell her that and if you don't then make it a habit to do so. The other great piece of advice you have received is to ask about her feelings. I cannot speak for women with ASD but I can tell you that for NT women - what happened in her day is secondary to how those events made her feel.

Do not just assume that things will continue on like they always have or that you do not need to communicate with your wife. Autism is not a "Get out of Jail Free Card" and your marriage will not last for long if that is your attitude. In my first marriage I didn't tell my wife that I loved her. I figured that it was obvious that I loved her because of all the things I did for her. We were married for ten years before the divorce. Her complaint was that I never talked to her. In my next relationship I resolved to do a better job of expressing myself. Once we became committed to each other I never said "Hello" or "Goodbye" to her again. I always said "I love you" or "I'll miss you" instead. It made a huge difference to the relationship. Sadly, at that time I was deploying overseas for extended periods of time and that was more stress than our budding relationship could handle but the lesson I learned in my marriage was a valuable one. Learn from my mistake. No marriage can survive on momentum alone. It requires just as much effort as your working relationships and it deserves a great deal more. Good luck. We are all rooting for you.