I *need* to break up

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Hi WrongPlanet,

I don't know what to say, other than I can't deal with a relationship at this time.

It's my final semester in college (as it is his), and I am making a conscious and thorough effort to stop drinking alcohol. My boyfriend is putting up with me pretty well. My family actually really-really likes him. We've been together since July.

Just being in a relationship stresses me out, at this time; and stress shuts me down. And I'm sober at that, so I can't just drink my way through it.

I just want to hibernate and communicate with the world via snail mail. But I can't commit to a relationship, no matter how awesome the guy is, at this time. Maybe after college. It's kind of heavy, but it keeps me with a more-normal social status. He's a normal and awesome guy, real nice and polite. But I don't care about social status.

There's a lot from this post that I've loaded on the plate. I am just trying to focus on college. My family has let me in to their place during my senior year of college; it's really nice of them. I've quit my job (so, no income, unless freelance projects - web design), so I'm basically just mooching right now. But I most of all just need distance.

This guy truly cares about me. This is something hard for me to understand - it's always been difficult for me to understand - that someone can care about me. We did not start off as just friends. We started out from OkCupid. So, he cares about me and has hope, and will stick it through if need be, which I truly appreciate. But I just can't do a relationship right now.

I am trying to focus on having same-gender friends, and without bias.

TL;DR — Life issues, I want/need to shut down. Making extraneous effort to quit alcohol. In senior year of college. Quit my job, so no income, but am mooching off parents' home and food. Been with boyfriend for 5 months. I cannot stay committed to a romantic relationship right now, because there's so much more I need to focus on.

Plus, I'm not super attached to this guy, but my whole entire family and friends adore him.

What would your suggestion(s) be - to break it off? What's your experience with breaking up because you just "can't do" a relationship (at the moment)?

I've changed a whole lot since I last ventured the WrongPlanet forums, by the way. I consider manners and social rules, now; those used to go completely over my head. Anyways, please breaking-up advice ... or similar tales...

Thanks
-sketches

It's funny how thorough all of that was, but most of my thoughts come out as mumbled nonsense when I'm trying to speak with him. And not even all of my thoughts can be expressed to him. I'm so bad with speaking, especially when I'm nervous!

Anyhoo, any thoughts on my opening post? And words of wisdom? Or just some similar situations from fellow social strugglers?

Thank you in advace

Similar tale.

Back in the day I met this Vietnamese guy from the Village Voice. I wasn't particularly attracted to him but he adored me and wanted to be with me. We lived together in one apartment in Queens then moved to a more expensive one in Manhattan. I still had my old nursing job in Queens and the commute stunk. I really wasted hours riding the trains to and from work.

At that time I was also a musician. I put it on hold because of work and this relationship. I really underestimated how much this guy loved me. As far as I was concerned, I'm not the "love me" type. Someone in love with me? Unheard of. I was born to be ridiculed, put down, threatened, abused, pushed to the side, neglected and ignored.

The relationship lasted for about 6 months and the fact I stopped being a musician took its toll. I gave the guy $500 and told him goodbye. I did this over the phone. His crying took me by surprise. I definitely wasn't expecting that. Yes. I broke the little guy's heart. I'm a bad man.

In retrospect, after all my years of drinking, drug abuse and loneliness, I really made a big mistake. That Vietnamese guy was the best thing that ever happened to me and I f*cked up. I royally screwed up an excellent relationship and now, here I am years later, feeling regrets about it. I made a big mistake and should have chosen him over the music.

Hey, redrobin62

Thanks for your words, that helps me know I'm not alone.

I've always underestimated how much anybody likes me. I've tried to make it clear to him how much I am unable to invest in a relationship, and I am trying to focus on school. I really do just want to give him something nice, like you did, and say goodbye.

Do you really feel like you made a mistake, and can you make amends with the Vietnamese guy? Is it ever too late?

I feel like I might make a mistake if I break up with this awesome person. But I don't see myself in the long-term with him, either.

To be honest, I wasn't particularly attracted to the Vietnamese guy, but in retrospect, being with him would've prevented me from going down my eventual path of drug addiction, alcoholism, homelessness and suicide. Yes. Breaking up with him was a mistake. As far as I'm concerned I could've learned to love him more, forget about those minor things I didn't appreciate (like his looks) and accept the bigger picture of someone who loved me unequivocally.

Am I suggesting you stay with your man? Well, I wish I had the chance to go back to my old relationship. I'm suffering and in misery now, so yeah, I'd take him over this broken life of mine.

Hey Redrobin,

Thanks again for your comments. I'm sorry it went that way. You show to be a strong person; you're still here and with the world. That's what I aim to be, it's my personal challenge to stop drinking alcohol. Just reading your story helps. I'm happy you're here!! Are you making efforts to quit drugs too? I hope your living situation is okay!

That's also very close to my feelings about my guy; I'm positive that if I stay with him, then that bond will keep me from making any "bad turns" in life. Alas, such is life.

Again, I'm happy you're here!! ! Now is a better time than ever to look toward the future, and vow for positive change! I'm ready for the new year!

I'm going through a similar situation a little .

To summarize my story : I'm a nerd NT which is a little over a month involved in an attempt to relationship with a aspie girl. She made ​​it clear she does not feel love or miss my presence :, ( ... (Actually , she did not feel for anyone) Still, I can not dislike her like my relationship is recent , I am confused if the what I feel is love or infatuation . But your relationship , " sketches " , has lasted several months , so I think what your boyfriend feels is really love. Like me, he must nourish the hope that some day you start love it . (damn, I should exchange ideas with him )

You stated your goals , but it will be really impossible reconcile your goals with your dating ? What little I know of aspies , I know that starting and maintaining a relationship is very complicated. What would be the worst scenario for you , delaying your goals or later feel the need to find someone else ?

But if you really decide to stop dating , Not sure how an aspie would, but in the world of nts, probably we would expect for something like this :: you will not do it by electronic means (that would be a great cruelty). You talk to him personally, explaining what you think, thank you the time it stayed together and asking to keep the friendship. He would cry and try to convince you to change your mind.

I got broken up with by email once. It was an alternate email so it was a week before i read it and I was still making plans in the future and feeling good all the while she was intentionally ignoring my texts because as far as she was concerned we were already broken up. I'm still not over it.

If you don't care about this guy and cannot imagine being with him for much longer or long term, ok, those are reasons to break up.

If you're not entirely sure on those things yet and simply need the time and space to focus on school and other things in life, then perhaps something as black and white drastic as a breakup isn't in order after all. There are other options.. like the truth, for instance. You could just tell him you really need your space and time right now to focus on school and other things in life that are draining you and that seeing him regularly is impossible if you're going to make it through school etc. You appreciate him wanting to see you, but you simply cannot spread your time and energy around any further than school & your health at the moment, so the best thing he could do for you is give you some time & space. Perhaps only see each other once every 2-3 weeks for a while, so that you can do what you need to do until school is finished with. Then when that's all over and done with and you're not feeling so overwhelmed, you can start to see him a bit more often and get a better feel for whether you do have feelings for him that make you want to continue the relationship, or if you don't and the bit of a break/not seeing each other often was a nice way to ease into breaking up vs. doing it cold turkey now because you're under stress from other areas of your life.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

If I may make a suggestion. have a "date night" every 2 weeks or so and only limited contact besides that. Tell him the truth and why you need to do that. This allows you to reduce stress load from the relationship without ending it.

Tell him "I want to break up with you because I am too tired to be in a relationship".

@Sketches - I haven't done illicit drugs in three years. I'm currently on meds for depression , gout and high blood pressure.

just be aware if you do break it off he might not be available when you are next. the way a lot of guys deal with breakups is to make themselves hate their former gf, alternatively they try to redirect the emotion onto someone else. I'm sure someone has thought of a healthy way of dissipating unrequited emotion but I haven't heard of it.