Dating sites for men?

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This is a question for the (heterosexual) men. It needs a little explaining.

It seems to me that over the long run free online dating is completely useless.

I think it comes down to the following:

1) Free sites are full of haters, time wasters, and much worse behaviour. It's pretty worthless and I'm starting to suspect it comes down to money - I doubt any woman would purposefully waste any time if she is paying for it. So my theory is free dating sites are actually social networking sites, and paid sites are dating sites. At least, paid sites seem to be supporting this idea in their sales pitch.

2) Free sites that I've used so far make it all too easy for women to just sit back and let men put in all the effort of arranging a date. The sites appear to be set up in such a way that men will give women plenty of attention, and most women needn't bother browsing profiles or making first contact, especially if the site is popular. This effect is often increased by in-site features like invisible profile browsing, that will let women peruse as many profiles as they like without giving them away - this makes it more difficult to narrow down who finds you attractive. So it looks like everything is stacked against you in this way, and women can just sit around not being that bothered because they're given ample attention often to the point of having full mail-boxes.

I mean, this is all just business so not to be taken personally. But the above observations leads to me some conclusions. First, for dating sites to be a stand-alone effective solution, they should probably be paid for and the service should encourage serious people to join the site (regardless of what they're looking for). Secondly, they should be designed just as much for men as for women and encourage fair exchange by not biasing features or target audience.

So the question is, have you ever used or heard of a site that meets both of those criteria? The 'net seems to draw a complete blank on that particular question.

#2 is just how it goes for women in general. They get hunted they don't hunt so much. Some do but most don't.

Yeah, that's true. However, sometimes women will talk to you in real places (and you can get an idea who likes you, who to approach etc), so it's a much stronger bias in the online dating scene.

Last edited by savvyidentity on 11 Jan 2014, 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've had women message me on dating sites. 3 or 4 actually just didn't find them attractive. I'm told I'm picky but a pretty face is all I really want it's pretty common really. I've sent maybe 15 total? I'm not really trying anymore until I can find work and a place.

That's another issue I think, women are given plenty more opportunities to judge you based on income, career and if you live at home or not (all this being requirements for just 'hi'). Interestingly, they judge you on this even when they score very low on this themselves. So, you probably have the right approach, though I'm noting on the whole these sites just seem to attract that particular 'type' of woman.

Women have a lot more standards on dating than men do. There are other threads that explain it well here.

I said when like a derp >.>

Last edited by KingofKaboom on 11 Jan 2014, 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Here's another way to look at it. Online dating services, for men, can provide one of four outcomes:

1. No dates.
2. Dates that don't work out.
3. Dates that yield a one-nighter (sex).
4. Dates that yield a relationship.

For women, the same four outcomes are possible, however, most women are specifically NOT interested in #3. So, for a woman, the desired outcome is pretty strictly #4. Since that one has the lowest probability of happening, women may be willing to risk more of the dates that don't work out in hopes of upping their chances of getting the desired outcome.

Men are probably going to be reasonably happy (as far as their judgment of the dating site's performance) if they achieve any of the latter three outcomes. For awhile, anyway.

For either gender, too many of outcome #1 or #2 are going to create dissatisfaction with the site's performance.

But also keep in mind that women are physically more vulnerable than men. If they don't exercise a great deal of caution, they could find themselves in a situation that could cause them physical harm. So they are going to invest a lot more time in screening potential partners before agreeing to go out with them.

Bottom line, I think men are more likely to get fewer date offers but likely to be less selective about who they go out with. Women will probably get more offers, but are more likely to choose "no dates" over "potential bad date." It's a numbers game, pure and simple.

idk, I signed up for eharmony for a week and all the guys suggested were really unattractive and lived far away and the ones that were semi attractive had no interest in me and the two that messaged me had something seriously wrong with them and the third I exchanged messages with wasn't even a match but was clearly interested in giving me a go if I were up for some sexy times. This is all based on just one week having never been on a dating site before.

It's a very mechanical way to get to know people, it just doesn't suit me at all, I realised. I wouldn't like to even go on a date with someone who I couldn't imagine having a long term relationship with and there is no way to tell that from some pictures and some words. Most women probably need to know a person a good long while before they would want to be intimate with them whereas for men it seems to be the opposite is true - they want to be intimate with a woman before deciding if they would be likely to be interested in a long term relationship with them. I must say I really still don't understand this reasoning at all.


edit - sorry I'd signed up for eharmony not okcupid and would not recommend that site to anyone it's just designed to get the money out of dupes

Last edited by leafplant on 11 Jan 2014, 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's a disconnect between the male and female psyche that I also will never understand. All my life I've been told I think more like a man than like a woman, but this is one place I definitely think like a woman.

Yes, it is a numbers game for sure. I'm not saying I think it's a hopeless thing that doesn't lead to dates, because it does. However, quality and quantity, plus amount of people who cancel is a big issue. When you add that to the experience of the actual dates.. eh, lol. The point is here, I believe the 'numbers' would be greater for a paid service - if said service caters to people who know it's all about numbers.

If both are paying both are more serious yes. That's eharmony.

The reasoning is more about the mechanics of the site. Think of OKCupid's A-List feature - could you see any man ever wanting to use that? If he did, would it benefit him? Decreased visibility would only really be useful to a man if there are plenty of women visiting his profile before he becomes invisible. If a man wants to find a date on a site, he is just put in a position where he must message as many women as possible - and this is by design of the site I believe, as women will get that attention and see a reason to be there (even if they don't actually accept any offers), though men will come and go for the simple reason women are there, just as they will in any other place like nightclubs, pubs, gym, etc. These sites do not provide a level playing field, due to features being not at all necessary for men, but useful for women who want the advantage of not being seen snooping profiles (it is is more useful for men to know when they're being viewed), whilst seeing when their profile is viewed so as to be able to 'narrow the field' even further. So they encourage men to pretty much spam women, then extract money from the women for features like a-list so this doesn't happen as much. Bearing in mind a greater user base is how they make their money - advertisers pay for the potential of visits to their sites, rather than per click. With this business model, if everyone hooked up it's bad for them.

Women look just as much as men. In life women look all the time, they work to prevent being seen looking. Fact of life sorry bro.

Yes, the 'did she didn't she' game is just part of the 'dance' when it comes down to being in the same room as each other. But I don't think that detracts from what it comes down to, and the above is more an example of how dating sites are just useless from the perspective of men, and actually getting dates - women are more often interested in the attention than getting real dates, and that's due to the kind of users the sites attract. I'm not out to point the finger at women and say 'you're all time wasters', as definitely women make the same complaint of men, it's just that I don't think these sites have the potential to produce numbers, and by that I mean numbers that result in actual dates with reasonably sane people.

If a woman WANTS you to know she LOOKED she won't stop looking until you SEE HER LOOKING. It detracts completely, if they don't WANT you to know then THEY are NOT interested. Everyone is interested in attention, they didn't join a dating site for attention they joined for possibilities. Just get over it man.

^ lol, okay. I give up, everyone wants to argue and try to imply I'm just somehow being stupid about this rather than just answer my question.