Hello guys. I've come to realize that I suck real hard at socializing and maintaining relationships, I have no clue how to act in many social situations, and that I have no empathy, all I care about is myself. But I know surviving this way in this world has little reward, and I need to learn how to socialize, on my own, since I prefer teaching myself how to do things rather than go to some god awful therapist. Yeah, I hate those idiots. Well, apart from that, I really have nowhere to practice socializing, since I've dropped out of high school, and everywhere I could possibly go, I already have a well established image of being a loner. And it does look odd and s**t for a loner to socialize. Damn things were so much better last year, if only I wasn't so stupid.
I NEED TO MAKE FRIENDS. I do not feel lonely, don't get me wrong, but I feel the need for human companionship, for the first time in my life, and I believe that I can break from this shell called Aspergers. Nothing can keep me from doing what I want to do. Not even Aspergers. I can be the most social person in this world if I want, and I believe that Aspergers can actually help me with that, since I barely *feel* anything, I don't have to do all s**t that neurotypicals do.
I have realized I cannot survive without socializing, at least not in the way I always dreamed of. My past self is screaming at me since it is sensing that I might shatters its deepest dreams. I cannot disappoint myself. No matter what.
I am 16 years old. I have never had true friends. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never felt complete. But now, all that has to change. Again, all of these, friends, a girlfriend, etc., are mostly for being normal, camouflaging my real self, well, at least the girlfriend, but from the general sense I've developed about the world, all of that is necessary. I really want to make friends, be a social animal, and I want some people I can rely on. I no longer want to be a loner. It sucks.
I run a startup. I've realized that due to my limited set of social skills, I am losing out on a big bunch of things. I'm unable to maintain business relationships with people who can make my startup a million dollar company. I'm losing hundreds of business oppurtunites daily because of my sucky people skills. I can't take it anymore. I've had a rough year and a half, and thinking about all that has happened makes me want to lock myself in a room and cry. I've always locked away emotions, and I don't know why. Should I continue to do that or should I let them burst?
How do I learn how to socialize? I could go out and do a trial and error like I always do, but I have nowhere to go, and unlike the technology world where erring while making software doesn't hurt that much, I would be making enemies by going out into the real world and erring while trying to socialize, since I know that I am rude, as of now. Should I approach my older used to be friends? I could destroy any change of reigniting the friendship if I go wrong, but some of those friends were really really good. How should I pick up these people skills? I'd prefer to watch millions of movies and TV shows before I consider myself to be in a beta social stage, got any recommendations?
God this looks like a blog post and a Haven post, but I believe it isn't. Anyway, if this was meant to be posted somewhere else, mods may feel free to move it. Again, I'm looking for genuine suggestions, opinions, and not only from fellow Aspies, but if there are any NTs around these corners of the forum, your opinion would be hugely appreciated. Sorry for the excessively long post.
17 Feb 2014, 3:00 pm
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