Someone Marry Barry, Aspergers and Aspartners

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They are like nazis. They all hate aspies and act like we are psychopaths or something and out to get them.

As someone who does participate in the ASPartners forum I can say a couple of things:

1. Yes, there are some people there who are unbalanced who see Aspies as evil and suspect they're hiding under every rock waiting to do malice (I exaggerate, but not much). That's not healthy and I try to avoid engaging with those people. I also firmly believe it's really unhelpful to those who want to stay with their partners and those with kids on the spectrum.
2. I still find it a very helpful group to be a part of because many of the women (and the rare man) share many of the frustrations and experiences that I'm going through.
3. My husband is abusive and I firmly believe he is on the AS. I came here to learn about it. I find a number of people who are helpful but also a number who are apologists for common Aspie behaviour than can be moderated or worked around if people want to be in a successful partnership. Some of his abusive behaviour is related to AS (the meltdowns - which are frightening and abusive and stressful to tiptoe around and try to avoid). Some of it isn't. But the AS affects the whole relationship because he's unable to provide support to me when I need it and he's unable to see how his behaviour is affecting me our son and our marriage.
4. I haven't personally seen pickup behaviours, not saying it's not there - and I believe that people who claim they saw this are telling the truth. But calling us all skanks, crazy and comparing us to Nazis isn't dissimilar to the behaviour you're complaining about.
5. Saying that 'you married the guy' doesn't cut it. At the beginning of our relationship I chose to be with my husband because of a whole variety of other factors that made sense at the time. I fell in love. I was his 'special interest' and it was intensely flattering. I ignored red flags. Not only am I no longer his special interest (apparently I'm not nearly as interesting as Dungeons and Dragons) but the relationship changed dramatically after I had a child. It put stress on him that he can't handle and he's reacted badly - abusively.

All I can say is, I wish I saw more people there with your attitude. If I/we had, it might have turned out to be a viable resource for learning how to deal with some of our issues (and a place where he could vent some frustration to other people who Get It).

That is not, of course, to say that ASPartners is useless for everyone, shouldn't exist, blah-blah-blah. I'm sure it's very useful as a restorative tool for someone who's been kicked around by a JackAspie (see subheading your husband, who by all accounts is in a lot more trouble than just having Asperger's).

It is, however, to say that it's not a good tool for an Aspie (CubeDemon) looking for a candid, unfiltered, and/or unadulterated view on "what people REALLY think of me when they're not just being polite."

Always seemed like a cat sanctuary to me...

...but I guess that's OK. It seems as if the typical "I'm-hurt" behavior of NT women is to get together in a gang and speak cattily. This is, I imagine, why I do not enjoy "Ladies Night," have only two female friends, and do not care to 1) have both of them in the same place at the same time, or 2) make too many more.

If it makes you feel understood, salves your injuries, helps you deal with the day, and et cetera (especially while not harming anyone unless they choose to stick their nose where it doesn't belong), go for it. Glad it works.

Right - I would guess there are reasonable people posting in Men's Rights forums, too - but that doesn't seem to be their primary purpose, nor do the large majority of people who drop by see them as anything but a group of misogynists.

I do see the need for an NT/AS partners forum, but if the goal is understanding and trying to get along, perhaps it would be useful to start a website that is open to both? Maybe knowing that someone might call you on it might curb the tendency towards hateful language?

regarding ASD apologists: I work with people on the spectrum, and have on occasion been bitten or scratched, when working with people with minimal verbal skills. I find them blameless because they do not have the skills to cope appropriately with the challenges they face.

When you're describing someone who is much higher functioning, able to maintain employment, etc. Then of course they are responsible for their actions and their effect on others. Many people with ASD do make an effort to take responsibility in this way.

The real issues with AS are deficits in understanding social situations and difficulties transitioning (especially with obsessive interests). If you are in a relationship with a person with AS, then those are to be expected and should be forgiven provided the person is making an effort to grow.

There is no excuse for physical abuse. However, physical abuse is not a feature of ASD. Physical aggression may coincide with ASD in some cases, and may be the strategy chosen to get needs met when social skills fail, but it is not a part of ASD. Physical aggression is a feature that is common in all humans under certain conditions. What I (being an NT person who cares for people with ASDs) and many people here object to is the characterization that all people with ASDs are heartless abusers. That simply does not match my experience of the community at all. I worry that in many cases on the Aspartners forum, people with abusive partners have somehow self-diagnosed their partners with ASD, and then based on those (incorrect) diagnoses have gone on to make sweeping and inaccurate generalizations about all people with ASD.

I believe that it's possible for a person with ASD to be abusive or cruel towards a partner, but it's not the ASD that's making them behave those ways- just like an abusive alcoholic can't completely blame the alcohol (and take no personal responsibility). These sweeping generalizations are not fair to others who struggle with the disorder and make a genuine effort to be upstanding, caring and productive members of society. ASD is not the problem here, violence is.

Except the child even refuses to try and control it and to get help and to do other strategies her mother gives her so she won't lash out because she has AS. Maybe she will grow out of using it as an excuse like I had. Plus my school counselor was teaching me to be AS than be myself and have me get better so my mom found out on accident and fired him. She even told him he was an idiot and to stay away from me as if he was abusing me or something. The other therapist I saw had to undo the damage with me and the day he told me it's all wrong when parents allow their autistic kids to get their way and stuff, it changed everything for me and it was because the adults are wrong, not because the kid is allowed to act that way and I am not and that it's okay for them to do it and not me. I was no longer confused and I had figured out all those years, it was wrong for teachers and parents to let their special needs children get away with murder (figuratively speaking) and my mom never allowed anyone to treat me disabled and she never allowed me to get away with bad behavior. In fact I am glad I didn't know I had a disability when I was little nor understood what AS was and I am so glad I didn't know it was a disability when I first knew about it, I am so glad I didn't understand then what it was or else I would have used it as an excuse and think rules don't apply to me and I shouldn't have to act appropriate. That would have been really hard for my family and for everyone else around me because it would be stuck in my mind that I can act inappropriate because I have a disability just like other special needs kids. It was hard for my family when I was 16 for god's sake until my therapist told me it's all wrong what those people do.

I am always relieved when I hear a violent child doesn't have an ASD diagnoses and it always offends me when anyone in the comments brings it up. I was watching Dr. Phil one time and there was an eight year old boy who was a Chucky. He would lash out and threaten his parents with knives and did destruction and my mom said "That kid needs to be in a hospital" and then I was offended when she said "I wonder if he is autistic" when the parents mentioned he lashes out when he is told to do things and gets interrupted. Really why do people keep connecting violence with ASDs? I actually clapped and cheered in my mind when they said he is not autistic but yet I saw he had the ODD label and I thought "Yeah I suspected that because every time I hear about ODD, the kid is always violent."

League Girl, I can understand why that might be upsetting to you (I don't recall the specifics in the thread) - but do remember two things: first of all, anyone can be violent. It is a part of human nature. Second, many young children lash out physically when they are upset and it takes them time to learn not to do this (see http://www.babycenter.com/0_aggression- ... g_11550.bc ) - and kids on the spectrum often mature later than other kids. It stands to reason that some kids on the spectrum are going to go through that physical phase at an older age than NT kids (who usually are done with it by age four or five.)

It is obviously wrong to assume that all people with AS are violent, or all violent people have AS, but it's equally untrue to say that no people with AS are violent. Many parents, including myself, have come here looking for help with violent kids.

It's also the case that it can take time and development for AS kids to learn not to be violent in the same way it does toddlers, and we need to provide a safe time and space and appropriate responses for them to learn - it doesn't happen overnight, and it's not their fault if they are struggling with this phase of development. That isn't the same as excusing or allowing the behavior - my son did learn not to act out physically, but it took him several years.

I also seen studies trying to link child abuse and yelling and spankings with poverty and parents have also taken offense to it. I know most people associate child abuse with hitting and beating and leaving marks on your child but the truth is, child abuse is also a spectrum and it doesn't always involve psychically harming a child. But it does make sense why poorer people are more likely to do lot of yelling and hitting and possibly abuse because of stress and they don't get as much support because they don't have the luxury to afford childcare and just put them there so they can have a break to save their sanity. Plus they may not get as much support richer parents get.

Okay I guess no one likes to be lumped with violence. I have seen it everywhere with any condition and heard of it too. Even poorer parents don't want to hear about how poor parents do abuse and also refuse to excuse it,same goes for with neglect too, and have it be blamed on being poor or being stressed out or depressed. Even people with depression don't want to hear about people with depression doing abuse or neglect with their kids and having it blamed on their depression.

I have noticed people will use the term aggressive to mean violence. Is that a PC term? They even called that Chucky kid on Dr. Phil aggressive and I thought "That is like calling Jeffery Dahmar aggressive or Ted Bundy." I do not know of any normal child that will threaten anyone with knives and tear the whole house apart and threaten to harm their family members. I think if you have to lock yourself in a room to protect your self form your child or have to lock your other kids in their room or lock your own child in their room to keep them away from you and their siblings, they need to be hospitalized. You don't have to do that with any normal kids because they are not that violent nor a danger to anyone. Hell if you have to lock away anything that can be used as an item, they need to be sent away. You don't have to lock your things away from small children. You just have to keep things out of reach and you sure don't have to lock away everything that can be used as a weapon to kill.

I think you're right, it's a more acceptable term than "violent," as it implies there is no intent behind the behavior.

There is a huge tendency in our society right now to "other" all kinds of bad behavior using a label of some sort: AS, schizophrenia, mentally ill, poor, etc. in hopes that if it belongs to some "other" it won't happen to them. Unfortunately, it's just human behavior, so it appears in everyone.

However, as someone who's had to lock myself in a room away from my kid, I'd disagree with your premise that all kids who behave that way need hospitalization. He did all of the things in your list - but he was very, very little at the time. I know it sounds scary, but you do have to make allowances for a person's level of development and their ability to learn and also the fact that you are able to protect yourself more than they are able to hurt you.

He needed time, teaching, and resources - and he got them, and they eventually worked. If you recall, I initially came to this forum terrified that we weren't going to make it and had no idea what to do, but with a lot of help from people here and professionals and other supports, we made it. I doubt that hospitalization would have solved his problem; they don't really provide education, just drugs.

Had I had other children (he was 5 at the time, so I could mostly handle him,) I might have decided differently, as you're right, I would have to think of them.