Best way to refuse a "would you mind..." request?

Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

FMX
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,319

07 Sep 2014, 3:53 pm

Recently I was at a tourist attraction and a stranger asked "would you mind taking a photo of me?" I normally agree to do this, but in this case I decided to refuse. (I think the reason is not relevant here.) So I replied: "Err... yes, actually I would, sorry". Well, the guy gave me a weird look :? and said "thanks a lot!" (sarcastically, I presume).

So it probably wasn't the best way to refuse, but I wasn't ready for the interaction (as usual) and was also put off by the form of the question: "would you mind..?" where "no" means "yes" to the request and vice-versa! But even thinking about it now, I can't see a good way to phrase it, so that:

1) The refusal is clear
2) I don't lie about anything (actually even the "sorry" felt kind of wrong, because I wasn't, really)
3) I don't give reasons
4) It causes minimal offence

Any ideas? Basically, what I wanted to communicate was something like:

I'm not passing any judgement on you as a person and there is no hidden message here, but I'm simply unwilling to do the favour you asked of me, for reasons of my own, which I'm unwilling to discuss with you.


_________________
CloudFlare eating your posts? Try the Lazarus browser extension. See https://wp-fmx.github.io/WP/


DevilKisses
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,067
Location: Canada

07 Sep 2014, 4:14 pm

Avoid making eye contact with random people.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 82 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 124 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical


Raleigh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jul 2014
Age: 124
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,250
Location: Out of my mind

07 Sep 2014, 4:19 pm

"Would you mind taking a photo of me?"
"Would you mind if I refuse?"


_________________
It's like I'm sleepwalking


Tiffany_Aching
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 14 Nov 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 70

07 Sep 2014, 4:27 pm

There was nothing wrong with what you said. The guy was asking a favour, he was the one imposing on you. Therefore, his reaction was what was rude. Just because he couldn't see a reason and you didn't explain to him doesn't mean he has a right to be rude.

The only alternate phrasing I can think of would be something like "I can't" and then only because it implies that it's not that you don't want to, it's that you're unable to.



BorgPrince
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 141
Location: Neptune

07 Sep 2014, 4:40 pm

"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D



beady
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2013
Age: 64
Gender: Female
Posts: 888

07 Sep 2014, 4:56 pm

Also, no matter what it is, say you are terrible at it.,... if desired, can add appropriate adjective - I'm clumsy, forgetful, etc.



tetris
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Nov 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 730
Location: Scotland

07 Sep 2014, 5:13 pm

I usually just do it but if I don't want to I just say Sorry, but I'd rather not.



olympiadis
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,849
Location: Fairview Heights Illinois

07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

You could learn a short phrase in a Botswana language that uses some clicks, like Ndebele, and reply with that phrase. It would probably solve the dilemma rather quickly.
Just fake a smile and wave as you walk away.



Raleigh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jul 2014
Age: 124
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,250
Location: Out of my mind

07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

BorgPrince wrote:
"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D


FMX doesn't want to lie. And what is the gay?


_________________
It's like I'm sleepwalking


progaspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2011
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 673
Location: Australia

07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

Honestly don't think it would have hurt to have taken the stranger's photo. So you were having a bad day for some reason. Well now your day's wrecked because it's racking your brain how you should have handled the situation better. Just a few seconds to take a stranger's photo and then it's all over.
How about this scenario? You are walking along a public road when you suddenly grab your chest and collapse with a heart attack right in front of a stranger who happens to know CPR. He's having a bad day too and can't be bothered to try and save your life.



BorgPrince
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 141
Location: Neptune

07 Sep 2014, 5:46 pm

Raleigh wrote:
BorgPrince wrote:
"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D


FMX doesn't want to lie. And what is the gay?


The Gay

The non-existent malady that one catches by being around homosexuals (males especially).
"Yo, John went to San Francisco, and now he has a boyfriend; he must have caught the gay!"



Rabbers
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 254

07 Sep 2014, 5:55 pm

I can't really answer the question you asked because as an NT I would say there are only 2 responses that are socially acceptable - you either take the picture or you make an excuse such as 'sorry I'm in a rush' etc. The sorry is expected because you can't help them out.
If you want to put over that you just don't want to do it rather than you can't then I don't see any better way to phrase it. But you will likely get the weird look/sarcastic comment from most people as the norm is to help someone when you are able and you would explain yourself if you can't.
It may be there's a really good reason that you don't want to go into why you don't want to take the photo but most people will assume you can't be bothered.



olympiadis
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,849
Location: Fairview Heights Illinois

07 Sep 2014, 6:14 pm

If you ever want to get the strangest and worst reactions from NTs, then just simply tell them the plain truth.

Pure information without modification or deceit is absolutely horrifying to NTs.
I'm always very impressed when I hear someone state information like that in an environment of NTs.



dianthus
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,138

07 Sep 2014, 6:15 pm

FMX wrote:
1) The refusal is clear
2) I don't lie about anything (actually even the "sorry" felt kind of wrong, because I wasn't, really)
3) I don't give reasons
4) It causes minimal offence


#1, 2 and 3 pretty much rule out the possibility of #4.

How about responding in the same phrasing..."Would you mind if I don't?"



Rabbers
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 254

07 Sep 2014, 6:34 pm

I think it depends on what bothers you more. Would it bother you more to lie or would it bother you more that someone is sarcastic and gives you a weird look?
If it's the first one then I think you gave a sensible response. If it's the second one then give an excuse in future.



1401b
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2012
Age: 124
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,590

07 Sep 2014, 6:48 pm

I just say, "No thank you."
NTs hear the No which is the answer to their real question of, "Would you do this?"
Answering a question too literally can confuse them, plus it requires a longer answer which can make a person look extra rude.
Thank You is politeness and therefore the whole thing is taken by NTs as declining an offer politely, as if you don't want to indispose them, like declining a cup of coffee.
If they try to insist, I repeat No, shaking my head as if they're making me feel shy, and move away.

I started doing this as ironic sarcasm, but discovered that it softened the whole interaction for them and if they see me later they act kinda extra polite like we're almost friends.

NTs are sooooo weird!


_________________
(14.01.b) cogito ergo sum confusus