Cannot function in a mess but live in one? Help.

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Short background bit... my children have all but one moved out. They all left huge volumes of stuff in my house. One of them flat out refuses to get her stuff (which is taking over two bedrooms and my upstairs hallway and my garage and everything really). Her stuff is the biggest problem from the children. My step sons hoard has been mostly thrown away at this point. I removed over 100 garbage bags of stuff from his room. He had a bug infestation up there. It was bad. He gets his hoarding tendencies from his family and his father (my spouse). I can clean a space and my SO seems to think that is an invite for him to bring more stuff into that space. It is a problem to me. I am not sure if my husband is a full blown hoarder or not. The line between pack rat, messy and hoarder are not clear to me.

Messes overwhelm me and I start to shut down to a degree. It is not a full blown shut down, more like a mental freeze in regards to my house where I end up doing nothing because I cannot think straight. It is like I ignore it and then occasionally snap back to reality to get overwhelmed again. Were I a person who cries, I imagine this would make me cry. I like not having a lot of things. People would tell me that my old apartment was sparse and not inviting due to my lack of things. I am overwhelmed by things so I prefer to have a sparse environment. This is not going to happen for me. I know this. I knew that when I agreed to live with my spouse. I do not want to move out, nor do I want him to move out. What I want is to find some kind of balance in this. He was not always this bad about having stuff everywhere. I think the kids moving out impacted him... like out of the nest syndrome gone horribly wrong. He has some issues, people leaving is one of them.

I need to approach this delicately with him, yet find a way to be assertive at the same time. He knows this bothers me, but I do not know if he fully understands how much it does. I cannot just tell him to take care of his crap, get rid of some of it now... that kind of thing shuts him down. He needs a month to prepare for going through his stuff. Then he needs time to recover from the emotional backlash of that. I try to extend patience to him, and he extends patience to me in many ways. On the other hand though he is not taking what I need into consideration with this and I am not alright with that.

Then there is my daughter still. I might just start putting her items to the curb. I do not know if that is a harsh reaction though. Her typical response to me when I say she needs to get her things is that she has no place to put them. I think if she has no place for these items then she clearly does not need them. I do not know if that is an awful thing to say or a reasonable thing to say. I also wonder how this is my problem. I do not have any place to put her items either and she does not even live here. Is that mean of me?

This is one of the times I wish I knew how to gauge what is and is not the correct thing to do in dealing with other people and their crap.

Any ideas? Input? Help?

Oh, and thank you if you read this.

That's always been my logic. In fact, that's the best way to determine when its time to throw something away or give it to charity. Give her a deadline to come over and go through it all and decide what she wants to keep (which she must then take with her) and what can be thrown out. If she doesn't show up, get rid of it all.

I can deal with a little clutter, if it all has a purpose, but I cannot abide a mess. I used to have a spouse who changed clothes and literally dropped whatever she took off, in the floor where she stood. She would do this day after day, for months, until you couldn't walk through the room without wading through dirty laundry. In my book, that alone constitutes a mental illness.

I like the idea of a deadline for her. The sheer volume of things she has here makes it unrealistic to think she could get rid of it all in a day. A time parameter would give her room to work in while letting her know she must do something. Yeah, that sounds more than reasonable. Thank you.

My spouse is the same way with clothing. His clothing is always strewn about the house. I call it shedding people syndrome. It is not a thing I am fond of in the least.

Clutter has always overwhelmed, also. Currently, one bedroom in my house is being utilized as a shipping center while I sell some my stuff on eBay -- it's a mess in there! It drives me crazy every time I walk in there, but I just keep telling myself it will be back to normal after I finish with the auctions.

It's a tough situation to be in living with hoarders. If your husband truly is inflicted with that disorder, then maybe you need to find a way to acknowledge the problem and seek help. Easier said then done, I know. Best of luck to you!

Hi, I sent you a PM.

Focus on the end is near, eh? I hope the auctions come to an end for you quickly so things can get back to normal soon.

I do not know how to tell if he is a hoarder or not. I know he has ADHD, OCD, depression, abandonment issues and such. Then he works and goes to school full time. It seems a big mess of possibilities that I cannot pull apart.

Thank you.

Gotcha. Responded. Thank you.

My SO is like that. If I clean somewhere it seems to be an invitation for more stuff to take over. Have spaces that are mine that I can keep organized to some extent helps. Other people's stuff everywhere makes it impossible to really clean when it doesn't have some where to go. Shuffling the same mess back and forth is maddening. I have my own bathroom in the house. Nobody else uses it unless they absolutely have to. I keep it clean and organized. It really does help. I make the spouse keep his things on his side of the bedroom. If he wants to live in a mess and won't allow me to clean it at least the side that is mine and my stuff can still have some order. He freaks out if I clean where his things are or move any of his things.

Agreed. I am not fond of moving a mess around either. Sorry you can relate to this but I am glad to hear that you have your own designated spaces in the house and that you find it to be helpful. My therapist once suggested that I get myself a little tent in the backyard to escape to... like my own little sanctuary. Perhaps I should try that this summer. I should be able to find the extra cash this year.

And for an update... both my daughter and stepson agreed to have the rest of their stuff out of my house by this coming Monday. Tuesday is trash day and I will be putting their stuff to the curb then if they do not comply. This should clear out more room to better sift and sort through the items the SO has lying around. He has been on vacation this week and has been going through some of his things while I was packing up some of the kiddos' stuff. Perhaps me going all out with it with him sitting right here motivated him? Maybe he just had some time? Whatever the case may be, it was appreciated.

Give your kids a deadline. If they miss the deadline, rent a self storage unit for each of them for one month. Give each of them the key to their stuff's unit, and tell them that when the month term is up, they will be responsible for the fate of their stuff. Tell them their choices:

- They can continue the rent payments.
- They can find somewhere else to store their stuff.
- They can dispose of it.
- They can stop paying the rent, and leave the stuff there. After a period of non-payment of rent, the owners of the place will put the stuff up for auction.

Also, put all of your husband's unnecessary clutter in a third self storage unit, also rented for a month, and give him the key to his unit. Have a spare key to the storage unit made up, so that you can continue putting your husband's clutter in there. Tell him that from now on anything he doesn't really need must be disposed of or kept in the storage rental unit, as clutter is too stressful for you. You should keep up the payments on his unit, so you will continue to have a place to stuff his stuff, and to keep him from freaking out like he would if you just threw all his clutter out.

In fairness to your husband, I also suggest you allow him one room in the house that can be his "clutter zone." Perhaps a den, or study, or part of the basement, or a shed in the yard. It can be his "man cave" providing a comfort zone for him to relax in, as his clutter seems to fill a need he has.