Trying to approach women?

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So, I've read some of the discussions on this forum and this is my first time posting. I'm 22 and just in the middle of my first semester back at school. I have a single mom who is pretty insecure and emotionally unstable. I dropped out of college when I was 19 and wound up in a mental hospital where I was eventually diagnosed with PDD (that was my 2nd visit, at first they thought I was "schizoaffective" or something. I ended up going a total of 4 times and this is the longest I've been out.) I've been smoking a decent amount of weed, which may or may not be good for me, but it seems to help relax me with all the muscle tension and stuff.

Anyway, lately I've been trying to pull myself together. I'm working and going to school again. Going to the gym, etc. I have some friends, most of which I met online through gaming. The others are druggies/people on the fringes of society who will accept me. I've managed to date a couple of crazy older women briefly. One was 32 and it lasted a month. The next was 36 and it lasted for 3-4 months. I broke up with both of them because I was getting stressed out and I didn't feel it was good for me.

I'm starting to get that nagging feeling in the back of my mind again that I need someone I can love who will love me back. I don't like it, but I don't think It's going to go away. So I'm trying to talk to women more, but I feel like I'm just creeping them out and wasting my time. Maybe I stare too much when I think they're pretty. Maybe I make too much eye contact or too little. Sometimes I forgot how big I am (6 ft) when I approach them. Maybe I don't smile enough. But I'm not ugly. And I try to be as friendly as I can. I'm really bad at small talk so it takes me a while to talk to women if I do it at all.

TLDR;

Example:

Today I tried talking to a girl after one of my classes. She seemed to be looking at me a lot and we made eye contact briefly a few times. I'm obviously not very good at reading body language but after a few classes of noticing this my brain was screaming at me to try talking to her (otherwise how will I meet anybody?). So I went and introduced myself and tried talking to her. And I probably didn't get the hint that I should f**k off quickly enough because I wasn't really thinking and I just wanted to make sure I was wrong. I'm pretty sure a few other people from my class saw some of this happen.

:End

Now I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that they're all going to think I'm a weirdo. And she's probably going to text her friends "So this creep from my class tried to hit on me or something" But I guess I'm just wondering if I should try to apologize to her somehow for making her feel uncomfortable or being too forward, or if that would just creep her out more and I should just let it blow over and stop communicating with her?

It's OK, don't overthink it. If you lay low and don't talk to anyone for a while, people will forget about whatever happened in that class, they have their own s**t to worry about. And even if they don't and are so extremely focused on you, that is their problem and perhaps they should go mind their own business.

Apologizing to the girl would be counter-productive because it would be moving a moment that should be forgotten to the present. You're not getting into much detail but even if you were really awkward about it, she sounds like she could've handled the situation a bit better. Well-mannered and emotionally intelligent people know how to handle uncomfortable situations without making some big scene.

Alright, that's about what I was expecting to hear. Thanks for the input.

The best way to talk to women, is just to be yourself (I know, everyone says this ), and talk to them like you would anyone else. If you notice them being extra friendly/flirty, or otherwise showing interest in you, then take it from there.

Agree with those saying not to overthink it (which you're definitely doing). I know it's easier said than done but it's essential not to overthink. Just casually talk to any girl you meet and if you're interested, ask her out for coffee or some sort of date thing. Flirt with her and if she's not feeling like it, she won't want to meet up after the first hangout. And I'm sure plenty of girls will turn down the offer in the first place to hang out. But you need to be putting yourself out there to get what you said you wanted.

I can't seem to avoid "overthinking." It's sort how I adapted to being an idiot in social situations. I have to hyper-analyze everything I might have done wrong and try to fix what I can and otherwise make sure I don't make the same mistake again. Unfortunately this means I spend most of my time thinking about mistakes and things I f****d up and generally negative stuff, which leads to depression.

I also can't seem to avoid feeling like women are a different species. I'm not sure why I feel this way. I don't want to. It makes me feel like an as*hole. I just feel like I can't predict them at all. I'm fine talking to them on a superficial level, like checking out at the supermarket or being forced into a group in class, or talking to my supervisor at work, etc. but as soon as it gets more personal everything gets wonky.

And finally all over my overthinking seemed to turn up another important fact that I forgot. A couple days prior to the incident in my first post:
-I was walking out to my car after class to go home
-Was walking behind the same girl almost the entire way
-Turned out we were parked right next to each other
-Drove off as fast as possible

Didn't think much of it before but she probably thinks I'm a stalker or something too.

If anyone has advice about any of this I would still appreciate it. While I'm here.

It's very difficult to judge your situation, many men have certain problems with women. Maybe you shoul try meet women online. Maybe this article can help you https://mymagicbrides.com/blog/why-men-are-shy-while-meeting-a-girl/ I hope you will find your woman. Everyone deserve to be happy!=)

Analysis Paralysis is a stinky trait to have. I suffered substantially from it, especially before and during in relationships. I have been able to gradually wean off the over-analytical mentality by opening my mind to seeing how to move past it, and you'll be able to find a lot of information online regarding the steps to stabilize it yourself. There was one very good article online that I read in 2013, but I just spent about the last 20 minutes looking for it to share on here. Unfortunately said article is totally MIA.

After reading and informing myself about the problem I was facing, it was practically imbued into my thought process on how to stop myself from being like that. And for once, something that I couldn't learn on my own actually helped me. Perhaps it was because I really did need external guidance, and seeking that is one of my downfalls. I don't know.

Anyway, regarding the online dating and stuff, believe it or not, I met the love of my life on MeetMe 2 years ago. It's necessarily a friend making site, but who's to say you can't make friends first then potentially be in a relationship thereafter?

I'm more than certain you're capable enough to get over your problem that you're facing. I mean, I'm having wishful thinking. If I can do it, so can you.

Yes, you're definitely over-thinking it. Your anxiety and awkwardness are going to feed off of each other and become a vicious cycle until you let it go completely. Don't worry, I'm guessing your semester is almost over, so soon enough you won't have to be around her or the other people in that class any more.

You mentioned that you smoke; if you're smoking sativa, then stop right away. Your psyche is active enough. Indica, especially if it is in a small-dosage edible, might be OK for you because of that deeply relaxing effect but even then, it will lose its charm eventually and you'd better hope that you're still able to think straight by the time that happens. Reliance on any substance for anything constitutes addiction and is dangerous. Muscle tension can be reduced through stretching and if it's bad, maybe try yoga or physical therapy.

If you're only 22 and have dated two women in their 30's, that says you're way more mature than most people our age. And I say our because I'm 21 myself, I know how difficult this generation can be. That maturity - that way in which older people see things in you that people our age don't or can't - is a gift; use it to your advantage. It may not translate into shallow popularity among your peers but if you can find a way to translate it into ambition, then you could be laying down the beginning steps for a very successful adulthood where you can have a lot more than just a basic social life. You want people who believe in you, not accept you.

Hanging out with fringey/druggy people is tempting, but is probably the worst thing that you could be doing. They may accept you but they are probably not all that interested in what you have to offer, let alone matching it with something of their own that you could learn from and grow from. People like that are takers. They will take up your time, take up your energy, and give you very little or nothing in advance. Trust me man, I just went through this myself, and met my now ex-girlfriend through a group like that. Get this - I had a girlfriend, a very pretty girl who I got along great with. But it did not make me happy at all because that relationship was formed through a curb of my own energy, rather than an expression of it; in other words, the fact that I met her as a result of slowing myself down to feel accepted ended up making it an empty and completely unrewarding experience.

I don't know what your plans for the future are but speaking for myself again, I could not do college, socially or otherwise. All my anxiety came back. Too much time around people my age for sure and in a social scene that is largely based on getting intoxicated and trying desperately to shed innocence. While using my own energy to work and pursue my own hobbies (photography) gives me all the confidence in the world, not to mention tons of respect from everyone - being thrown around classrooms, bars, parties, etc with my peers made me feel like I'm going nowhere fast. So I decided all of that beating is not bearable for the standard package of degree, long term relationship, etc. that would have been obtained some years down the road.

What would be best for you now is to at the very least stop thinking about this girl and this situation with her and put that mental energy into something else. What are your interests and hobbies? Lose yourself in those. Because are your social impulses and concerns of fitting in doing way more harm than good to you? It sure sounds like it.

Sorry if I put too much into this post but your posts really strike me, they're way too easy for me to relate to, I'm actually talking to myself in most of this. Some of the things you're saying just sounds all too similar to the mess that I'm now crawling myself out of.

Thanks for trying to find the article. Maybe this "analysis paralysis" is a more specific issue I can focus on to try to calm myself.



I really appreciate the time you spent on your post.

Weed is probably not the best thing for my problems. I used to be more dependent on it and realized that I couldn't go on that way. I think the main reason I like it is because it kind of forces me into a "dreamy" state, and I remember when I was in high school I used to find somewhere I could sit or lay down alone and just daydream until it was time to go or someone came and found me. I'm sure these things are linked.

On the whole I suppose I should just stop caring about being accepted by my peers or trying to be like them. It's not that I truly desire to be accepted by these people. I guess I just want to try to force myself to integrate because I feel like I should be able to do it now, but I still have no idea what I'm doing.

My friends aren't as bad as I make them sound. One of them has always been one of my best friends because I've known him for a very long time and he helped me out more than almost anyone during grade school. That's not really saying much, and he IS a druggy, but him and the people he introduced me to were my only friends for a while and were always decent guys. They never tried to take advantage of me or force me to do anything. Most of my friends probably don't care much about me, and their interest in me is more based on my skill at playing video games than anything else. I don't really enjoy video games like I used to, and I'm getting tired of them.

As far as relationships go, I can sort of relate to you. My last girlfriend, despite being almost twice my age, was quite pretty. She was also very kind and understanding most of the time. But I definitely still felt like I had to restrain myself overmuch to avoid making her feel bad or saying something too weird, and I had to give up much of my autonomy to make her happy. She has her own mental illness to deal with as well. I ultimately found her to be very needy and she took a lot of my energy and started to stress me out. So I broke up with her, and we're both better off for it.

I don't feel like I'm close to anybody. My "friends" have always been somewhat distant from me, and maybe that's my fault. I'm not close to the people in my family and I can't stand my mother for some reason, although I'll be living with her for several more years I'm sure. I don't enjoy the company of my "friends" or the persona I automatically wear when I talk to them. It's that "fade into the background and occasionally make people laugh so they remember why they keep me around" persona that I built in high school to protect myself. I guess I still don't know how to make friends. Everyone I know either approached me when I was little, or was introduced to me through people I already know. I don't have a facebook either because the last thing I need is an even BIGGER social platform where I can make an idiot out of myself.

Finally, here is the kicker. I don't feel like I have any real hobbies or interests that I actually enjoy. I always read about how people with aspergers can "find solace in their special interest when they are alone" but I simply don't seem to have any such interests. I tried learning the guitar once just to have the skill, but I found it very frustrating and lost patience. Maybe it's just the depression, but I basically just played video games or slept all day before, and now I'm just doing the work/school/gym routine while using weed to pretend I'm dreaming the whole time. I guess the closest thing I have to a "special interest" is figuring out how peoples' minds work, which is sort of an interest I was forced into on account of my condition. I had some sort of manic/psychotic episode about 6 months ago that lasted a few weeks. I felt better than I can remember, and spent a lot of time researching personalities,emotions,etc and I also felt compelled to do a lot of writing which I never do because I don't like to force myself to do it. During that time I decided that I should go to school for psychology since It's all I have to go on in terms of my future right now. In general, I'm obviously very unmotivated and can't seem to find anything that holds my interest or gives me any real pleasure. The weed doesn't help with motivation, but I don't feel any more energetic or motivated when I stop, and it seems to keep me "comfortably numb" so I don't end up in the crazy hospital again. Currently I feel like I just have to coast until I'm done with school and by then things will change somehow. Thoughts like "Oh come on, you know that's not true" are already creeping in but at least I'm too exhausted to entertain them for now.

I guess this got pretty long-winded. Thanks for reading and helping out guys.

That statement alone is a dispatch to loneliness. I can't flirt and I take everything seriously. I am nice and I tell a few jokes, though. Unfortunately many people have been telling me, "That's not enough".

I think you need to improve your communication skills online. Try to join to interesting discussions in Facebook groups etc. You should be interesting to girls as personality. Then you can try some dating sites with webcams, for example https://www.bridge-of-love.com, you will not find your bride there (if u are not very lucky) but you will understand how to communicate with girls or ask them for some advice. After all this exercises you will be ready for the real world.