Unable to Trust my Friends After an Unpleasant Incident

Post Reply New Topic

About a week ago, I had an incident with two friends. We were supposed to go see a concert in a bar, scheduled to start at 10:00 PM. The concert was my idea, by they seemed as excited about it was I was. It was a genre of music I know they'd like, and I like it too. It seems like it should have worked out, right? After all, it was something I was sure they'll enjoy and would be happy to get to. Wrong!! !

I came to a friend's house at 9:00 PM, and the three of us, plus another guy I don't really know, were supposed to all go in his car. The concert was supposed to start at 10:00, and we were about half an hour away. My friends said we'd go "in a little while". Ten minutes passed, and suddenly, it was "just a little while longer". Ten minutes turned to 30 minutes, which turned to 90 minutes. All because the fourth guy was late, and they didn't want to leave without him. Then when the guy got there, they wasted more time trying to fix an electronic dartboard, of all things.

After all that, we didn't leave until 10:45! We got to the concert around 11:15, spent time looking for parking, and got inside around 11:30. We missed a bulk of the concert, and instead just sat in the bar listening to recorded music. I was so angry the entire night, that even chugging 4 beers couldn't relax me. After I got home, I was still so angry, that I couldn't fall sleep for almost the entire night. I eventually gave up trying, and sat online, ate junk food from my fridge, or smoked cigarettes.

And now, I feel like I can't trust any of my friends at all. I'm still angry at them, and have not spoke to them then since. One friend sent me a text, saying he was sorry, but I didn't respond. I still feel like I can never trust them again, and I'm even contemplating cutting off ties permanently. (I still get my socialization through Meetup, where events always, and I mean always, start on time.) I know it's a rash decision I'll probably regret down the road, but you can't have friendship without trust. After all, they lied to my face and didn't care. Ninety minutes is not "a little while"! I hope none of them gets a job making trains run on time.

What do I do?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 13 Apr 2015, 5:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't blame you for being annoyed. I wouldn't do anything so rash as cutting them off completely but I wouldn't rely on them for transport to places in future. If there was public transport or any other way of getting there I probably would have just gone ahead on my own and met up with them later.

Are you really that mad at them? Or more mad that your plans did not go according to plans?
If they always do stuff like that or other negative things, than I can see why you would want to stop being friends. Maybe you should wait until your anger subsides before making a decision, remember that it is not always easy making new friends.

Both. The plans fell through because of my friends' negligence. It wasn't anything understandable. It wasn't anything they couldn't control. No one got injured. No one got a flat tire. No one's family member had a medical emergency. No one's house was on fire. One guy was late just because, and everyone wanted to wait for him. That's it. And that dartboard thing was just plain stupid! Why the hell would anyone mess around with a dartboard when there's a concert to get to? Did they fake the concert enthusiasm to me, when in reality, they couldn't care less?

It's really sad, because I always see ads for all these fun events, like concerts, beer tours, street festivals, and so on. Nothing aspie about those things at all; I know my friends (all NTs) will enjoy them. Plus, summer is right around the corner. But I can't trust my friends not to mess things up on the day of, so I can't go to those things, at least not without the awkwardness of going by myself.

At this point, I will not be contacting anyone, although will answer or reply if one of them calls or texts. And in the future, I will not be making any more major plans with my friends. They can't be trusted to keep them. The only things I will do with my friends from now on, are going to the gym together, meeting for a beer after work, and coming over to their homes. That's it. Things that require time commitment, like concerts and day trips, I will only do through Meetup or commercial tour guides. In those situations, what's written down on paper (or on screen) is practically gospel. Not something that can be broken on a stupid person's whim.

Amazingly, non-AS people are quite fluid about times and schedules, when it's for entertainment purposes. They will very likely continue to do things like this, and not understand why it's a big deal for you.

When the guy with the car arrived was anyone angry at him?
If not, would they have been angry at you if you were the one who was late?

Thats how you can tell you have bad friends.

I've known that for ages. My real gripes are these things: (1) they lied to my face by saying "in a little while", when it clearly wasn't a little while; (2) they pretended to want to see a concert I suggested, but stalled and stalled until they missed it; and (3) when they guy they waited for got there, they wasted more time on a freaking dartboard!

Either way, I don't trust them anymore. I will now only make real plans through Meetup or with commercial tour guides. It's ironic that near-strangers on Meetup respect my time more than my friends ever will. There are rarely, if ever, delays of longer than 15 minutes, and if something is scheduled, it will happen come hell or high water.

It's also why I don't want to go on a cruise with any of my friends. Knowing them, I'll spend the whole cruise waiting for something that will mostly likely never happen, rather than doing what I have my heart set on. That's why solo cruising is the only way to go, ever. No stupid person can prevent you from engaging in an activity by delaying it into oblivion.

Or if you could meet a friend who enjoyed being on time, you wouldn't necessarily have to be alone forever.

MollyTroubletail is right, you need friends who share your priorities and values, so why not concentrate your efforts on finding people who fit those criteria? There are bound to be few, you just have to meet them - easier said than done, I realise. I know how you feel about travelling alone, I often do it myself for want of a suitable companion.

While a little leeway in social schedules is okay, if you've made arrangements for something that starts at a definite time then your friends - if that's what they are - should respect that.

My friends from Meetup are very much like that, although they're more like acquaintances than friends. That said, I feel more relaxed hanging out with them. Everything is orderly and according to plan, in terms of time and place. If something changes, it's publicly announced on the event page. (Of course, if you don't check it, it's kind of your fault if you don't find the group.) And even then, it's strictly due to weather or logistics, never because of some idiot's idiocy.

I'm still tempted to stop hanging out with my friends for good, and only socialize through Meetup. But I suppose I can still do things like go to the gym with them and such, just nothing requiring a time commitment.

sounds like a pain

I'm tentatively decided on what to do: the fade-out. After all, NT's do this all the time, so why not me?

This wasn't the first time my friends did something like this. It was just the worst one. And each time, it was due to their own negligence and/or poor planning. One of the best things about friendships is having a reliable group of people to go places with. And if every time you're supposed to go somewhere, and I mean every time, there's a risk of your friends sabotaging your plans, what exactly do you benefit from the friendship? Especially when they think nothing of lying to you and saying "we'll go in a little while", when that's clearly nowhere near true.

My friends have even asked if they can come along on my next cruise, and I always refused by hemming and hawing; that is, by dropping hints that the answer is no, much like girls do when an unattractive guy asks them on a date. After all, if I let one friend, let alone more of them, come along, I'm pretty much guaranteed that I won't get to do even 10% of the things I want. It'll all get delayed into oblivion, with me spending most of the cruise sitting around waiting... and waiting... and waiting... until it's too late for my activity. And they won't even care, since they'll get to do their thing: sitting around wasting time.

This is why I enjoy going out and doing things on my own more than with other people. The more people who come along, the more chaotic things are, and the harder it is to actually enjoy doing anything. You only get to do the things you really want to do when you're alone.

These guys sound like total asshats. I wouldn't trust them either. But I bet that from their perspective, they weren't lying to you at all. They just don't have any sense about how to plan things. They're too flaky for you.

I think you're doing the right thing. If they're really sorry, you'll hear from them and then you can tell them what a big deal it was. I wouldn't let it fester. You describe things very well. If they don't get it after you explain the way you did here, they're not worth keeping around.

I agree with the other poster that suggested doing things alone. It can be a lot more fun going by yourself and you might meet new (better) friends.

This happens because NT's don't care about the actual event itself. They only care about the "social bonding" which is something that we will never understand. The concert was just a reason to get together and bond. The electronic dartboard was another excuse to bond. They really did not care where they were or what they were doing just as long as bonding was involved. If they missed the concert, no big deal.

I have started going to Meetup events and it is perfect for us Aspies. I like the three no shows and you're out rule. Some events with very limited space have a one strike and you're out rule. I have only been to two events and everyone there was an NT but they were of the very highly evolved variety. They were all highly educated professionals who don't have the time or patience for typical NT stupidity.

I'm in a number of Meetup groups, and with the exception of two group related to my occupation, most people I hang out with through Meetup aren't professionals. They're usually blue collar or office plankton (both meant respectfully). But one thing for sure: I never had an event get canceled at the last minute except for two reasons: lack of interest and logistics. In all other cases, what's written on the event webpage is practically guaranteed to happen.

As for my non-Meetup friends, I'm still hanging out with them, only no longer making any kind of plans with them. In other words --- going to the gym or getting together to watch a game, totally fine; things like concerts or movie outings, I'll do through Meetup instead. And if I'm in "waiting mode" to go somewhere with my friends, I'll keep an eye out for Meetup events I can jump into at the last minute, in case I realize it ain't going to happen.