Stood up for myself against the game players!

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brian, sounds like you need someone who is blunt. I am the same way. other people see being honest as being rude. they prefer to communicate indirectly by dropping hints. I agree with you. she wasn't a good match. I also know how infuriating it is to be ignored and not know why. Maybe it is an aspie thing, but I need clear communication, not hints.

I don't think it's because they see outright rejection as rude. It's because it's simply easier to just vanish and a lot of people are cowards who don't care about others.

Getting to 5 dates means she actually was attracted to you. Ghosting after 5 (rather than 2 or 3) means she saw a red flag that she had missed previously, probably because it's situational.




And here's the red flag. You overreact with actual anger, not just mere annoyance, to a slight. I am guessing that by the 4th or 5th date, something happened (not necessarily with her, could have been an anecdote you were relating or an interaction she witnessed) where she saw you overreacting to something. If you want to have an relationship, you have to show that you can roll with things and not blow up over everything. You will probably think that means being used but it doesn't. It just means cutting other people some slack. You are angry with her all out of proportion to what she actually did. If she saw a preview of that anger during an earlier date (perhaps aimed at somebody else), that's why she ghosted.

Well maybe. But the tone of the OP's post gives a plausible motivation for why she ghosted. He gets seethingly furious at a situation which would make others merely irritated/annoyed. If the OP can let go of that reflex anger, perhaps the next interested girl will stick around. Five dates signals interest. Ghosting after 5 dates signals that he put out a red flag that she responded to with avoidance. Bringing down that red flag and not getting so angry is the key to going forward.

I thought this might be the case as well.
"Utterly cowardly," "liar," "rotten." Pretty harsh.

Not necessarily. Dating is a process of getting to know somebody -- if you have fun on a date, you agree to go out again. It's entirely possible the girl had enough-fun-to-do-it-again on dates 1-4, but not so much on date 5. I've done that and had guys vice-versa that plenty of times.

Also, I would argue "ghosting" isn't quite the right adjective for 'dropped by person one went on a handful of dates with'. It's creepily, inappropriately possessive.



^^^ agree 100% with anger as red flag that may well blown an otherwise promising budding relationship, especially after not hearing from her for only 4 days!

Maybe it's just me, but my job requires periodic-but-insane travel... my last set of technical consultations was a 12 day, three-continent marathon (Bandar Beri, Hanoi, KL, Canberra, Wellington & Toronto). Jet lag + exhaustion = no idea what country I was in as of the halfway mark.

Perhaps the red flag was not something that he actually said or did, but some *vibe* or something about him that turned her off.........ORRRRRRRRRRR she was playing the field and didn't explicitly inform him and was dating another man that she found more attractive and decided to ghost him to avoid having to reject him directly.

His frustration came from a radio silence that lasted more than 24 hours which is understandable; but the ball was in her court anyway and now it's water under the bridge. You're making the assumption that her behavior was entirely a response to something he did when there are other plausible explanations that haven't been ruled out. Dating is very much a GAME with unwritten rules that people violate at will whenever it suits them.

But hey, all is fair in love and war. Amirite?

Ghosting means to cease all communication with someone you're either dating or involved with. And it's a VERB, not an adjective. Perhaps you'd prefer the term radio silence?



Nevertheless, Briansruns did the right thing but closing the proverbial door on her and not giving her any chance to drop back into his dating pool.




Yeah, it is just you. Most people don't cease communication like if they're still interested unless they have a valid reason like you do or they're incapacitated or even killed(then ghosting becomes literal! Haha ).

Sadly, this is not true in my experience. However, that does not mean that it is acceptable behavior.

Seeing that I have quite the habit of stating the obvious (who knew? ) I will simply say this.

1. It wasn't wrong to simply move on if (having had four days since last communication) you get silence from someone who you have been on five dates with or have been dating about 3-4 months. If you're spidey sense is telling you that something is wrong, then something is wrong and it's usually right 9 times out of 10. and it's better to be wrong that one time than to simply ignore your spidey sense all the time. With practice in any social or work situaton and any friendship, you will understand what I mean by that.

2. With the spidey sense thing being said- Doesn't mean you have to throw up accusations or get angry when you sense something is wrong. The gentler approach to these situations, no matter how hard it is, is to simply leave the ball in her court (gently) and say:

"Hey, I know haven't heard from you in a few days and I would like to continue seeing you. However, If there is anything I have done to upset you, i didn't mean and I would like to make it right if possible. i'll leave you be and feel free to come talk to me when you are ready." After that, don't text or call the person back, let them come to you.

TL:DR- 1. Follow your gut feeling when applicable and 2, don't get angry when you sense something is wrong and throw a lifeboat to the other party if you would like.

This is all assumption and speculation, "here's THE red flag" - you are saying it with so much abundance of certainty that this undoubtedly was reason; I think this is part of the 'always blaming the guy' in dating culture.

His reaction might had been the red flag, might have wrecked things, certainly it didn't help whatever was the real reason, nor a behaviour that will help him in later cases, and yes it has to change, BUT we can't tell for sure this was the reason in this specific case and assuming that it was his fault initially.

If this is just another okcupid girl, girls on okcupid get tons of possible dates, way more than any random guy, so even if brian was dating only this girl at a time that doesn't mean she was dating only him, and even if he was on a 5th date with her, that won't stop her inbox of getting filled and the possibility that she might receives a message from a guy who is perceived better for her. With that much abundance of possible choices for the girl, she doesn't form bond too well with anyone.

Here how things often happen on dating sites: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=276098

You should understand, Janissy, that guys on dating sites are just like items on some online shop, so many choices for the buyer, some many new offers come along.

A 5th date means nothing if she's still checking her inbox and the 10+ new guys every day, especially if there was no sex yet involved.

So of course, she won't write a well-thought polite essay of rejection every time that happens, so she adopts the easier habit of fading, brian might be just one of 100 she faded, it is a common systematic process.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 16 Apr 2015, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Let your husband ghosts you suddenly, and you'll see yourself what a furious 'bitter' tone you'll get and what names you would call him . His tone in the post might be a situational reaction to the incident, a venting reaction, we can't tell if this is his usual tone in life.

Seriously Janissy, there are weak moments happen for humans in certain situations, you are judging his entire personality based on an internet venting post. You might be right in all that but it's all speculation.

No, I wouldn't do that. This has a huge risk of you staying connected when she already is dating a new guy. When she doesn't answer after a week, or even a month, you might just reassure yourself that she will eventually come back to you. This is a real bad tactic. I think he did the right thing in getting upset, and I have no objection to him letting her know. If she had any remaining interest she would still answer him, and he would have set the rules for their communication.

Exactly!







Get a clue, Diningroom: There was no "promising budding relationship"! If there was, she would have gotten back to him and most likely have apologized for being out of touch for 4 days straight. When you're dating someone these days, going for that long without giving any explanation to the person you're dating is a surefire sign of a lack of interest.

So 4 days is too soon for a text? How long does it take to text something like "Sorry I've been busy, something came up, will be scarce for the next [x amount of time], will explain later"? It's something you could easily do while waiting for a meal to microwave, or during a commercial break while watching a crappy soap, or in the washroom. Hell incidentally, it takes as much effort as passing gas.

Usually people stay silent when speaking openly would cause a reaction they don't want to deal with. This is the "kindness through dishonesty" that aspies can't ever relate to.

Still, OP, in the future you may want to just save some energy and just be concise and to the point. As things occurred, you were needlessly dramatic/emotional. Give them just as much thought as they give you.

I at least hope it was cathartic.

It's true I am looking at this from an outdated pre-internet perspective . As you and Lazar said, she may just have got a "better offer" as is common for young women on dating sites.

But even though you both made good arguments why I shouldn't jump to the conclusion of "she saw a red flag" ( I wrongly assumed 5 dates meant strong interest as it did back in my pre-internet dating days), I don't think it should be ruled out entirely. As documented here in L&D, the OP has a long history of being dropped after a few dates and even says that 5 is a new record. So the usual advice on how to make yourself more attractive both in person and in profile doesn't apply. He clearly already is attractive on both fronts to consistently get first and second dates. Why shouldn't he be the more attractive candidate that somebody else gets dropped for? I think anger management would help.