Rants

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I would say I am dangerous close to the edge, if I have damned myself without even knowing in such a horrible way, I don't know that living for others will keep me from making that permanent decision.

I guess that is selfish, but all I can see is death now, everywhere,

People killing people everyday on the news,

And then there is my heart, which tried but neverless became blacker then what I fear God can save, no hope, no salvation, it gets worse and worse and worse and worse. God was barely enough to keep me from killing myself, now even that promise is murky at best. Should I live for no other reason then loved ones, if God couldn't save me, I don't think man can either. I don't find myself at an increase of suicidal thoughts but I find myself more willing to see it to the end. The compromise of feeling death is becoming quite thin if all ends and hell anyway. But maybe I am ranting, or maybe I'll be dead by the new year, only time will tell.

Burn it, burn of it, save nothing. Its not worth it.

And here is another point that damns my soul,

If I can honestly miss something so major wrong, just hypothetically say I did for those that don't believe me, what of other trespasses I am too blind to see? Ignorance is not always bliss, because sooner or later you can't be bliss anymore. And then you pay consequences you never thought was due. You can pray but your probably too late. Then you lose at the game of life and you never really realized you were playing in the first place. All with seconds, your life is over and when it does finally come crashing down around you, you can examine your heart, and find yourself deserving.

And then there is silence, and then there is death.

O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee: Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry; For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave. I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength: Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand. Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps. Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. Selah. Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up, and I cannot come forth. Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: Lord, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee. Wilt thou shew wonders to the dead? shall the dead arise and praise thee? Selah. Shall thy lovingkindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction? Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But unto thee have I cried, O Lord; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee. Lord, why castest thou off my soul? why hidest thou thy face from me? I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted. Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors have cut me off. They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about together. Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.

Yeah...

That has so many feels, I am just gonna leave it here

i hate this f*****g place.

oooooooooo the flock

latest to the show wants to be the moral-compass and judge

I don't hate my life but i'M scared of living after my parents die. I wish i could just die with them, all of us at the same time without pain.

There's no suicidal ideation like visiting the parents suicidal ideation.

every time paul ryan opens his
mouth or moves a muscle he does something utterly stupid. he should be in a straitjacket.

Tch! Healthy people feel bad about bad things they've done.

Ok this is a petty one, but I can't find the "Things that Irrationally Annoys Us" topic anywhere because the search function is broken again -
I am staying with someone who has this habit of CONSTANTLY commentating on, or announcing, everything I do as if it's some big deal, or completely out of line. And this is normal stuff. Like this morning early, I got up to piss and wandered into the kitchen to get just a sip of milk (it's MY milk, I can drink it out of the bottle if I want to) and this person was getting ready to leave, and announces, very loudly, "OH HO! Here it comes, here comes the big swig of milk!"
I literally turned around and said "Oh shut up."
Because that's what this person needs to do. Mind their own effing business, stop watching every move I make and announcing it as if I shouldn't be doing it.
It's not just the milk. I was cooking vegetables the other day (vegetables) and this person comes in, points at me with this shocked expression, and says "OH HO! Cooking up a storm are we, cooking up a storm now?!"
No, a***hole. I'm stirfrying vegetables. This is not a phenomena worthy of herald. I should be allowed to cook vegetables left to my own devices without this fanfare, pointing out everything I'm doing as if it's some crazy, out-there action.
I can't even watch a movie without the commentary - this person will come in and say "what are you watching? What's this now? Oh it's [whatever]! Well."
Leave me alone! It makes me insanely self-conscious, because someone is literally watching everything I do, and I know for a fact that many of my movements also get written down. I'm being spied on.
In a few days I'm moving out for a month on a house-sitting gig, so will be AWAY from these freaks for a time, and then I'm looking at securing a broken down old caravan on a property (there is still a house with people I know in it on the property, so it's not total independence of course, but it might be at least SOME more privacy than this fishbowl shite) after that so I don't have to return. I can't stand it.
/ petty rant.
PS : And yes, WP is getting so sh***y recently that I have been taking time off it in two week blocks - no reading, no commenting, no going near it for those two weeks and then checking back in (like now) to see if there has been improvement.