I just started taking Wellbutrin about two months ago. It's not an SSRI; it's actually an NDRI (norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor). Although I feel much better and less anxious, and my moods are much more stabilized, I also noticed that many of my autistic traits seem to be more pronounced. I stim a lot more than I used to, I speak less fluently or clearly, I am less able to look people in the eyes and it is more uncomfortable to do so, I'm less able to adapt to change and small changes bother me much more than they used to. I'm much less interested in talking to people or socializing, even people I like. I'd rather do something fun, alone, than visit a friend. I used to dread social visits with friends, but then I always ended up enjoying myself and felt better afterward. Since I started the drug, I don't have as much fun visiting, and I don't feel better afterward. I told my therapist that, if I had felt this way my whole life, I would never have made any friends or had any need for other people at all.
Even some sensory issues seem to be stronger; loud noises seem more disturbing, bright lights seem more intrusive. I wear my sunglasses everywhere now. I always hated the feeling of anything on my lips, even just dry lips touching each other; now I can't stand it at all. I will go nuts if I don't have my Chap-stick to make the feeling go away.
I feel much happier and better, but I am less normal and more odd. I thought maybe it was because I care less about behaving normally or fitting in and more about being comfortable. I am going to be comfortable no matter how weird it makes me look. I don't care anymore.
_________________
You don't need to hide, my friend, for I am just like you.
20 Jun 2015, 8:30 am
