This is my first time posting on a forum like this. I have been lurking for a few days and felt unsure about whether I wanted to jump in. Here goes.
It's been 15 years since I started seeing shrinks. I had just graduated university, started a job and found myself flailing at work functions where I was expected to "network". Every interaction was so uncomfortable and most of the time at events i just wandered around trying to look occupied while everyone else was chatting. The shrink taught me some coping skills that didn't help so much, but after 12 sessions I pretended that there had been a large improvement so he wouldn't feel bad. He seemed young and nervous.
A few years and two jobs later I was still having trouble functioning at work and socially and decided to try again. By this time I had also met my partner, with whom I was also having communication problems. This time I went to see a social worker. He said i needed to learn how to relax. I thought, ok, yes, I've always been told i was too uptight. So he taught me some breathing exercises and I also tried some courses in taiji, yoga and meditation. He also had me start going to a support group. All of this stuff was okay as far as it went. I didn't really feel it was getting to the root of the problem, but once again i didn't want to make him feel that he was unhelpful, or make myself feel that i had wasted my time and money, so I agreed when he said he thought I had improved dramatically.
At this point I had a meltdown over a period of several weeks and basically stopped sleeping and could barely function. The social worker sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed general anxiety disorder and prescribed benzos, which actually did help a lot, and then we tried a menu of SSRIs. I settled on one of them that did seem to resolve the anxiety for a while. He thought I might also have ADHD and prescribed a stimulant. Well, that wound me up like a cuckoo and i had to stop it after a day or two.
Two years ago ... I had long since stopped the meds, stopped all the meditation, etc., had been through major life and work changes and a serious physical illness. My overall low functionality and social failures started bothering me again. I went through the same cycle of shrinks, meds, support groups, GAD diagnosis and ADHD misdiagnosis, and finally ended up in CBT for social anxiety. Exactly where I had been 13 years prior. I can't say it was what I wanted but it was where all the therapists thought I should be, so I acquiesced.
Everybody meant well all these years but I am still feeling as f***d up as ever. Then I stumble on this site and read about AS and especially Nonverbal Learning Disorder. A cluster of symptoms, especially from my childhood, seem eerily familiar. Clumsy, strange gait? Check. Bad at math, good rote verbal skills? Check. Socially awkward and few friends? Check. Slow processing of information? Check. Poor executive function? Check. Unusual or age-inappropriate special interests? Check.
Here's the thing: I have no desire to start again with the mental health system merry-go-round. And it seems that if I do have some AS disorder, there's not much that can be done for it anyway, other than learning coping skills, which I have tried to do many times in the past for various aspects of this thing with only marginal success.
Oh, and I have been assured many times that I am too high-functioning to have a serious problem or to be worth serious attention. Then why do i keep failing day after day to accomplish large and small goals and why is every single moment such a bitter struggle? The one thing I am fairly certain about after all this time is that this is not just depression or anxiety. I have met a lot of "normal" people who have had those problems and they do not consistently struggle with the basic functions of daily life the way i do. Whatever is wrong with me is more than just a mood disorder. Isn't it??
End rant. I know this is too long. If you read this far, thanks.
25 Jun 2015, 11:18 pm
