Greetings! (Troubled)

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Hello Everyone! I am 25 & Undiagnosed. 99.9% sure AS is with me, I don't have much doubt but I know nothing in life is ever certain. I will, however, contradict myself and say I'm certainly knee-deep in life & not knowing what to do with myself. Both of my Parents are deceased, I am trying to live as independently as possible without any GED (or formal education after age 12), Car or Work experience (I've had 2 jobs, both after 20 years old).

Currently I'm living with my best friend and his mother, I lucked out and they are very kind people. Unfortunately, I am a massive burden. They both work 12 hour shifts while I can barely manage 6~8 with far fewer overall weekly hours, I am also having a hard time keeping jobs even though I am trying. It's extremely unfair to put so many of my own responsibilities on their backs, especially considering the mom has only known me for as long as I've lived here (3~4 years).

I recently quit my job of a few years dishwashing at an Italian/Pizza place because I had nothing legitimate to excuse my quiet/odd behavior and not being able to cover shifts on the same day, not getting back to them on the phone (terrifying) etc. To the point where the new management (21 year old, son of the owners) came in and started walking up to co-workers by me saying things like "SHHH DON'T CALL HIM A ret*d!" even though they had not said anything and were just working, not even paying me any mind. I've lived long enough to take a lot, but when someone starts pulling others into it... I couldn't go on.

I'm in a tough spot and to be perfectly honest, I am terrified beyond belief. I won't let myself spiral into my entire life story here, there's just too much information that splinters off making it really hard for me to articulate the abstract. I've already re-read/modified this dozens of times as I go haha! If anyone could point me to the best place for this kind of thing without having to divide the topics within it up to different sub-boards (if possible) that would be pretty snazzy. I am not too shy about sharing the details of my life, especially if anyone can help me make sense of it.

I was also going to put the short Bio I signed up with here, but It seems to be gone once I go there from my profile haha. So for now I'll just leave a tidbit that was part of it and made this overall novel make more sense. From age 12 to 20 I RARELY left my home, after a large move I had completely dropped from the system and just lived here, on the Internet educating myself (poorly) for 8 years with very little human contact. When it comes to socializing, with no HS background experience, I've just been winging it, imitating others, subconsciously absorbing peoples way of talking/gesturing/laughing. The hardest part is not crying, makes me want to pull my hair out. (I am a dude, and society seems a whole lot less receptive to blubbering grown men...)

I feel as if I've lived double my years and I am only 25, roughly only 14 of those years together interacting with society. Not counting my toddler/infant years. What a mess...

Please let me know if this is too much information! It got kind of out of hand hahaha. I can edit it out if need be!

Hey Introverticalibrated welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

hey introverticalibrated (good nic ;]]), welcome...

i don't think you got too wordy, i am so much worse
i think you may well have found yourself a good place here

i am impressed by the measure of your self-insight when it comes to your social (non-)functioning, if you allow me the patronage, meh, you might even tend to take it too far, but i think that's a good start for facing up to the chanllenges of real life - whether right or wrong...

personally, but there are so many considerations, i think from here you really have only one way to go. Find some support for your self-insight and get on track for a formal diagnosis (here usually abbreviated "dx". Whether you would later actually use it, still up to you, but you are facing the stigma already anyway, so how much worse could things get in that respect.
you may, this is what i would hope for from the dx in your situation, find there is actual support out there, and even entitlement. sadly, at your age... there should still be, but soon there will be very little - often 27 is a sort of cut off point. i would say, the first step after dx would be to discover where your strong sides are, and ASAP get to use them in some sort of vocational set-up, from there deal with the draw-backs as they come, in consultation with those supporting you, those who you find are helpful... you need a network, you do
don't set your standards too high, decent survival comes first, get a feeling of base, GET USED TO YOUR AUTISM and accept it, read about it, take your time... you are so young still...

finally:
" I can edit it out if need be! "

Nope you cannot, meh.

Good luck!

Thank you very much for the warm welcome!

Thank you, I look forward to exploring this board & learning about all the little pieces present in myself and others. I've craved a sense of belonging for far too long!

I agree with you 100% on the self-insight and its shortcomings, ever since I was young my focus has been erratic. I've yet to find anything that captures my interests for long, aside from general stuff necessary to pass time with. With that said, I wonder if my self-analysis is just a crutch in the absence of a special interest + a desperate desire to understand others. I always have an intense itch to be doing... something? I've never found it, so I tend to just think about the tasks at hand, over and over.

I am partially on the right track then! Although It's fairly disheartening to hear that Adults receive much less attention... We all traverse childhood. They just told me to wear deodorant & put me in a special math class, never even approached my noggin! Well, that's me, always a day late & a dollar short.

I very much desire a DX, this world is ruthless on those without evidence to the contrary. I also want a skill, I've always been sort of a "closet narcissist" haha so it would be nice to excel in something, build on that & give myself a competitive edge in the world. Something real I can do to lean on. So, seeing my aptitudes is a big bonus bundled with a peace of mind & self advocacy!

I am pretty worried that I won't get it, I don't feel I 100% fit the bill for the rigid list of symptoms often displayed. I am also the way I am, constantly trying to "correct" myself. Most of my conversations with strangers/associates are elaborate magic shows, doing my very best to fool the crowd. I will admit It's probably inconsistent though, I've only had 5 practice years as an Adult.

Right now I am looking into many work from home opportunities, such as Transcribing, all of those years on the internet have at least left me with the ability to type roughly 550 characters (or 110 words) per minute. Though my hands aren't in that great of shape anymore and often times I get hung up on a mysterious "brain lag" intermittently.

Also yup, I can't edit hahaha! Yolo!

Thank you very much for your time Oblio!

hi again introverticalibrated... hm gonna have to work on a shorter nick ;]]

i am surprised you had no other more informative reply

anyway, i feel, felt we have more in common than appears from your post,
also on the linguistic side

it's just... i 'returned' here with a specific plan in mind, and my problem..., and story

if you have anything you would like to discuss here... now is your chance, i think there are thing i might prove helpful with, i also think i have stuff going you might prove 'useful' for to me

in fact, such human 'usage' will be on my list of topics - i have always felt people ought to use each other better... using is simply not the same as abusing, as long things have an 'agreeable' reciprocity, and the topic of any unbalancedness in the relationship is discussed frankly... darn, we all could do so much better

to know me a bit better for any judgment, there is enough from "way back" - but i would invite you to my Intro post not so very long before yours so it should be easy to find, i assume page 2 still -
i also refer you there at first, because i think the poem there might find a welcoming ear with you, in view of your signature poem

others interested, i think i have finally decided my main topic needs to go not to the Random forum, but to Love & Dating.
I have very very poor discipline - i have promised myself so very often to for instance keep a diary, a log book - never got through the first week. Of course, learning how Executive Dysfunction is one the three essential groupings of characteristics (good word that, covers inside-meaning (essence, nature) and outside-meaning (traits as perceivable).

I am in trouble, sort of in real life. Just a kafkaesque situation that needs addressing... it's complicated but if i only did one thing a day, it would all be set in motion in a month... so little effort really. Interesting to see why i cannot, and at considerable expense, force myself to do the simplest of things.

I have promised myself... a number of times recently, let's call that Intro-post my still applicable start date. I know i have 'sinned' - but i have very acceptable excuse this time. I have been getting myself in trouble in the romantic front, online... it has become quite a story - so i can forgive myself, i did have much better things to do, and i already knew... they were more than just part of the story anyway. So i have not sinned much, and even in such cases...

Ideally then... i am to at least do one serious post here from now, and do something useful in real life... working on getting a sort of life coach and i think i may have found one, and a couple of years ago i was adjudged legally entitled such assistance foe a few hour a week. My personal trainee 'life-career-guide' might even find himself a pretty good sideline... anyone with common sense could do it really. But there seems to be very little of that about.

Oh well. Cheers ;]]

Robert

You're pretty erudite for a guy with no education beyond age 12.

I think you've done a pretty good job of being an "auto-didact."

You write better than most people with a high school education.

I've been on my job 35 years. I am known as the "wolfman" because I howl, and the "catman" because I meow.

hey Introverticalibrated,

welcome! thanks for bravely sharing your story (and for not self-censoring too much... if we can't share our thoughts freely here, then where can we? ). I think you should follow the advice given above and try to get a formal diagnosis. if it isn't ASD, it may be something in the neighborhood. I was your age when I was trying to get diagnosed, and it may take a while to find a provider used to seeing adults, but they are out there. if nothing else, find a free clinic that will help you (or refer you)... they may be able to give you some sort of diagnosis that would help when applying for assistance. you seem INCREDIBLY intelligent (especially for ending your formal education at 12!), it sounds to me like you could use govt assistance to complete your GED and find a direction for your life. transcription work might be a good fit as a next step--you can make some money in a setting that you can control a bit. it may lead to a passion-career, or it may pay the bills so you can explore your passions on your own time! and not every aspie or autie has a special interest, just like how we don't all have savant skills. special interests can also change frequently and without notice (some last longer than others), and I'd say that most of us don't work professionally with a special interest (bc we can burn out).

Best of luck... keep us posted! It's a privilege to meet you