When you don't realise someone fancies you

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Maybe you can. I can't. Just can't.

I don't spend time with a woman if I think she doesn't fancy me, regardless whether that is a fact or an assumption. The reason for thinking she doesn't fancy me, are:
- It is a fact that she does not fancy me (she doesn't send signals);
- I assume that she doesn't fancy me (I just suppose so. She sends signals that I cannot read. = She fails sending signals).

I could try to spend time with a random woman, but if it is likely that she doesn't like me, it may discomfort her. I would never do anything to discomfort a woman. That means: If she doesn't send signals that she like me, I will leave her alone.

If you can't detect that, that can also be caused by autism. Reading body language is harder for someone on the autism spectrum than for someone not on that.

You don't even need to read any body language for that or any nonverbal cue.

When a girl falls for you as a crush, she would behave in a very obvious stimming way (at times subconsciously I guess), that would be too obvious that it's an interest for her beyond friendship, like initiating conversations a lot of times, sending good morning every morning, and goodnight before she goes to bed every time, inviting you to places, introducing you to her friends, wanting to see you every weekend, making a fuss when you're sick, following you on FB everywhere (aka stalking lol)...etc etc..., the PERSISTENCE of those little things will be like a camel rubbing your entire face, it will be very obvious...... those are stronger indications that the things that you may find hard to read such as touching and flirting (those can be ambiguous, a lot of people are touchy or flirting without having romantic interest in anyone).

No girl would do all that "stimming" and persistence behavior for a "friend" guy, if you think in this strictly logically, in an autistic fashion, you will get it.

Look, it's kinda hard to explain in one short post, but once you experience it few times then you will know what it is like.

Or you're becoming good friends with her. Particularly in school/college/first job in a new city it's easy to make good friends when you click with somebody and neither of you know anybody else. It also depends on an individual's communication style - there are some who love being in constant contact, texting a zillion times a day with their friends, no romantic intent at all.

No, no matter how close as a friend you are with her, you won't get that load of attention from her as you would get from a love interest, it's impossible, I am telling you.

I thought I had a good grasp on this so to speak, yesterday someone I know was making comments to me and I didn't think anything of it...until my daughter asked what we were talking about and the reply was 'I'm just flirting with your mum'
Damn all these missed opportunities

Stimming can be in various ways. What is love stimming in that case?
Women less tend to initiate conversations than men do, at least in my region. It is often men that are supposed to initiate conversations.
Sending or saying "good morning" or "goodnight" is more some kind of politeness. When I see colleagues them in the morning I say "good morning" to them, or they say that to me, both men and women.

I cannot tell them apart from being friendly or polite or applying social skills. In the past I could not tell them even apart from faking and bullying. I have Facebook (even a very big Facebookpage) but I haven't run yet into a woman that send these things to me.


It may well be inexperience in these things (it is quite likely that I won't have the occasion to master that), but I do think that autism plays a role (or at least played a rol) to not advance into it.

More often than not, I didn't notice a thing, but some women (about whom I didn't think that they would fancy me) did fancy me. They will send signals which are clear to them, but not clear to me.

I meant good morning and goodnight in texting, it's totally different. No girl would text a guy that every time, on almost daily basis, for the mere sake of friendship or acquaintance.

I admit that is different, saying or texting "Good morning". If a woman sends that to me, I start to wonder what she is up to. If you have eachother phone numbers, there is already some kind of connection. I don't have connection by phone with any female stranger.

Then that means no female fancies you now.

You aren't detecting any female fancying now because you have autism or because you suck at reading body language, but because...no females is fancying you for the time being, you can't detect something that doesn't exist yet. The simpler explanation is often closer to the truth.

This is the point I am trying to make and emphasize, when a female fancies you, usually you will know it, you wouldn't second guess much... it's not something as mysterious as you might think.

It's a sad truth but we all have to face it.

I wanna question how did they really "realize" that those women were interested after it was too late?

Did those women told those guys a day before wedding or something, "Oh, btw, I did fancy you before, a lot, but you didn't get it, so oops...it's too late for you now ha-ha!"

hurtloam, they are just telling you speculations and wishful ideas, most of it probably delusional.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 26 Nov 2015, 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

i do not ever remember not realizing when someone has fancied me.
neither do i ever remember realizing someone fancied me.
if they fancied me then it is in their memories, not mine.

I still think it is something mysterious, a body language thing. When a woman does things like you described above, I question her or her behaviour, not that she would fancy her.

In the past a women told me that they fancied me, but I didn't notice things all the time. Or... were they lying? I still don't think I have a clue, although I am neary 50 years old. I guess, it is an NT thing, certainly not a thing that autistics would easily master, maybe after extensive nearly obsessive learning (with a lot of frustrations, mishaps and creepyness).

The same to me. Fancying was fake in the past. It was more like trying to trap me into something.

sorry. i meant that i never can tell whether a person likes me, and i have no idea whether anyone has ever had a crush on me. also, i do not think about the past because it is gone and whatever.

i do not identify with your comment about traps. it highlights the fact that you are more aware, and care more about it than me, so i will leave you to your procedures with good will.