WP Addicts Anonymous

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why was that so upsetting to you?

I have no idea.

The only thing that really comes to mind is that I somehow let her down by not doing it earlier, that I was being 'bad'. I think there's more to it, but I'm not sure what.

How old are you?
When I read what you wrote, it sounds like you're about six years old.
There's a very small child/parent dynamic there which I've observed in a few of your posts.

I think it's time you rebelled.

Yeah...I am often still a child. My maturity level seems to be upended--emotionally child-like, but adult-like in--not intellect, that sounds arrogant--um--certain areas, then.

It's been that way for years. I think my mum feels like she's losing something precious in watching me grow older.

But I'm not rebellious by nature...

No wonder most of the heroines in the books I write are small and child-like, and their love interests are androgynous, ambiguously gendered beings who get looked after by the heroines.* I'm basically writing wish fulfillment sprinkled with a bit of spirituality. Said heroines often make a terrible mistake at the beginning and then have to fix it, and along the way have many painful experiences. They do grow in character development and assertiveness a fair bit by the end of the story, get happy endings and often ascend, but it takes a heck of a lot to get there.


*Oddly, you'd think it would be the other way round, but I am fiercely independent and like doing my own thing, but if I lived alone, I would just fall apart.


I guess I have plenty of rewriting to do.

Having your mum threaten you to either do your course or she'll make you do it all in one night is embarrassing and belittling.
She's telling you that you have no self discipline and she needs to regulate you with threats.
That will keep you as the child.
Is that what you would like?

But she wasn't threatening! She was asking nicely, quite nicely considering that I hadn't done it in the first place when she asked. [The full version only takes a half an hour anyway, and we do it every day except for the weekends.] I actually got a break today, only having to do three parts [although I technically cheated and only did two].



My favourite characters are always the child-like, all-loving ones or the androgynous, compassionate ones. I relate to them the most.

The main character of one of my favourite manga series is a non-gendered child-like deity, seen as cursed or unwanted by most who meet them [or even outright attacked by people]. This child is broken repeatedly, and when it becomes too much, they reveal their true form as a deity of destruction--when all they ever wanted was to be loved and cherished. The total characters who survive to the end of the series? Four [including the child deity and their love interest]. It is the love they share that prevents the whole world from being destroyed, and the two stay together because all they have is each other.

There was probably a point to that, but I'm not sure what it was.


I know I can't stay a child. But according to the Dali Lama, 'childhood is a state of mind'. I feel so conflicted about this. I feel like if I do grow-up, I'll lose all the wonder and innocence. Or am I just acting like Midnightstar? I'd better stop.

It's still a threat.
Think about it.
Doesn't matter how nicely she asked.

Ian's been trying to help her not be like that. It worked in getting me out of university residence [and I only agreed to the whole university thing in the first place because I wanted to make mum proud and make her happy], since it wasn't remotely a healthy environment for me. Mum initially was very upset when I told her how I really felt, but Ian helped her see another perspective. I think I'll ask him about helping her not to 'threaten' me. Mum has control issues; she wants everything to be just right while avoiding her own desires, and then if you try to change it, she'll get upset.

You can be child-like and still be a responsible adult.
i think you're confusing childlike with childish.
Do you think, even for a second, that the Dali Lama is undisciplined?

Oh.

Well, no...after reincarnating as himself so many times, and as a spiritual leader no less, of course he'd be disciplined.

Discipline is actually what sets you free, in a weird paradox.

It is?

To be fair-ish, my self-discipline isn't the greatest; hence my addiction to the internet and video games. It's been a constant struggle to make me stop playing video games when the allotted time is up [originally it was a half an hour a day, but I frequently went over that, and now it's more like an hour or so a day].

At university residence, I had no self-discipline whatsoever: I stayed up late every night on the internet, and my physical wellbeing took a turn for the worse [I barely even brushed my teeth and didn't even shower; though teeth brushing is something I still struggle with]. The main point is, without someone enforcing things, I fall apart, and I'm not sure how to help that.

Yet, oddly, I had great discipline at karate class. Whatever I was instructed to do, I did it, no questions asked. [Including gradings and tournaments, which were two reasons why I stopped going, because they wore me out so much and I didn't even care about medals or higher belts]. I was arguably the 'best' student there. But I wasn't doing it for myself--I was doing it to please mum and please sensei and make them proud of me. [There seems to be a theme here...]

I've realised I'm much happier and content when disciplined.
I have more drive to do things and feel more focused and satisfied in myself.
When undisciplined I fall apart too, as I have for the past 9 or so months.
All spiritual practise has an element of self-discipline.

And I drink less.