Hello. Just Joined& The Reasons Why

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Hi, my name is Doug. I obviously choose to withhold my last name for the time being for reasons of privacy. lol On the advice and at the instigating urging of my therapist (who, being that he first saw me when I was in elementary school, albeit very sporadically, has kind of sort of been seeing me for about twenty some odd years), I looked up and joined this site.

I am 32 years of age, and despite a number of normalizing traits that I have, I have some apparent abnormalities, I suppose. Various people (most of them women) have, in one way or another, accused me of having some form of social development disorder, such as Asperger's (of which even a few have, albeit under an assumed name, accused me of outright). Many of these women were ones on whom I had terrific crushes. Yet, the earliest romances in my life were ones with very little actual interaction and I nowadays assert that they were largely delusional and fantastic. Despite having had a romantic life, albeit a very inactive one (in that I seldom actually was ever with any of the girls I wanted to be...indeed, even to this day I have not gotten to be with one girl I have wanted to be, even when she seemed like she liked me so much), that began at the age of nine or ten, my real actual romantic life might not be said to have begun at all until several years thereafter.

Basically, though there have been perhaps twenty or twenty five women I was fond of and half of that with whom I actively wished to be, I have only had one girlfriend and one sex partner. Interestingly enough, they were not the same person! lol. I can laugh at that because neither one of them did I ever really love. They are banes and mistakes, I feel. They were last resorts, and girls that I spent time with because I had no one else to or because I was flattered that they asked me out.

When it comes to women that I loved and wanted, and my adult and active participation with them, that aspect of my romantic/social/sexual life might be said to have begun only five years ago. That is a most sad and tragic tale. A love that seemed to be and seemed to be possible, but yet that slowly disintegrated.

It is not just with women that I have problems, nor even with social situations....but these are and have been some of the most trying and troubling altercations, imbroglios and obstacles I have encountered in my life.

My vocabulary is the result of having once read a transcript of an interview that my cousin conducted of me for a psychology course in college she was taking. When I saw how inexpressive and dull and inarticulate I sounded, I quickly resolved to change my speech. To that end, every word I learned in the vocabulary aspect of English class I began to apply, not only to my writing (which was always stronger and smarter-sounding and more expressive than my verbal speech), but to my everyday speech. This resolution to improve myself in this way began in the ninth grade, and the seeds sown then still yield fruit for me even now....yet, it is a bitter harvest I collect.

For, people are largely stupid-sounding nowadays and borderline illiterates (despite their precious internet and their "Information Superhighway" and all their relied-upon technologies and devices invented by people far smarter and more literate than them) and they long only to spew the same stupid nonsense and never be taught much of anything, nor learn, nor be "condescended to."

Yet, the inaccurate fools, I never once talked down to them! I treated them as equals and talked to them as if they could understand my words. I never once dumbed myself down for them, nor them for me!

But, whatever. That's neither here nor there. Regardless, I am still not completely sure whether I actually have any sort of Asperger's, Autism, social development disorders or other inhibiting maladies, yet the course of my life has seemed to indicate that my being afflicted with one or all of these is a definite possibility.

That being said, I don't really know what else to say....other than that one of the main reasons I am on here is because of recent difficulties I have faced. Because of the loss of yet-another possible mate, and she the greatest, sweetest, smartest, kindest, prettiest, loveliest, friendliest, grandest, sexiest, most glamorous, romantic, passionate, multi-faceted, well-spoken, utterly unique, deep, amazing and wonderful (even though riddled with all kinds of mental/emotional scars and flaws and the sufferer of many tragedies and traumas of life) of them all! And to whom, of all the girls I loved, that I was the closest! And, she was the girl I had known for the longest, having grown up and gone to school with her and lived together, albeit some miles apart, in the same small town! The most like me, yet the least like me...all the same time. Perhaps, despite her more effortless ingratiation into social situations and her dominance of and confidence in them, she too is afflicted with a similar disorder, for she has many problems and issues, the poor thing.

And this woman seemed like my destiny, besides being someone with whom I had an instant rapport. And who I thought liked and loved me just as much as I her. Certainly, she SEEMED to. And, never was I closer (despite ours being a long-distance relationship manifesting its communication and connection primarily through phone calls and Internet messages) to any woman I ever loved and wanted!

It is the apparent and eternal loss of her that is so discouraging and depressing to me. That, and the whole long track of failure of which my life seems to be made!

Hey Doug welcome.

Thanks for your greetings and comment! Nice to meet you, too. (I am noticing now that this is site's layout seems to be quite similar to a kind of coeducational, neurodiverse version of a certain site on which somebody I know posts. Of course, the differences between the two sites are enormous, but still....)

Anyway, it is good to be here, I guess. Like I said above, or as my username shows, I used to be a lot more socially confident and competent. I had a richer, fuller social life once upon a time, even if a romantic/sexual life often eluded me. I've cried many a bitter tear over that, believe me. What's ironic is that this woman I mentioned, who seems so like me in so many ways (but yet while retaining her own inimitable, unique style), seems to have some of the same problems as I do and the same feelings and thoughts and sensitivities regarding some things and knows what its like to be pressured and yet she knows also what it is like to be in love with someone who seems like they don't love one back or not as much or only did earlier or whatever....but yet, for all of that, she apparently has little to no sympathy for me!

Of course, despite the fact that she lives 1500 miles north of me, I was a little overwhelming to her. Yet, isn't she a little irrational for thinking and feeling that I was harassing or stalking her, especially when you consider that she lived and lives so far away? I've often thought that, despite our closeness, had she lived closer, had she lived where she used to, then she might have had the right to be in "great fear" of me and to think I was stalking her, maybe......but how can that be when she lives in the Sunshine State and I in the Pine Tree (State)! A number of people that i have talked to have agreed with me on this.

Also, she got to being preoccupied, almost obsessed with me, just not in a positive way. Perhaps because I talked about her first, she began to post about and talk about and send messages to others about me. She allowed me to be a threat to her marriage and her family, and to feel I was some looming shadow between her and her husband, I suppose. Or so it seemed. Her reactions, I think, even counting her own supposed sensitivity (yet she lied to me about how sensitive she was), are just not normal, even despite the persistent, agitated, relentless things I did: Talk to her family and her friends about her, call her, call her work, even call her husband. That, however, is about it. I was concerned for her and about her and missed her, and that's the only reason I ever did what I did. (I might add that, besides being her former classmate, and having gone to school with/grown up with/attended school with her for about six or seven years, I was only her intimate yet long-distance friend, though I wanted to be far more. Though she seemed attracted to me and though she rarely told me sad or negative things, I was her "shoulder to cry on." Her confidant, her close friend.)

That being said, albeit parenthetically, how and why she blew it all out of proportion is quite beyond me! Kind of like the weird things she has done during our estrangement. During this siege and stalemate, this "separation" that has lasted so long.

I just noticed that I kind of hijacked your comment, there! Sorry about that. Didn't mean to ramble and rant so.lol

Anyway, thanks again.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!