NT dating an UD Aspie and confused by his actions

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Help! I have been dating an undiagnosed Aspie with all of the classic symptoms. We were friends for 11 years and connected within the past year. When we first started dating I had no clue that he could possibly be on the spectrum. He cut me off after two months when I said something to him that he found offensive. A couple of months later I reached out to him again and he was open to talking. He told me that he had missed me and that he wasn't angry, just disappointed.


Fast forward to months after reconnecting again and he continually tells me that he likes me but has never bought me a gift, or told me that he cares about me or loves me. However, he will take me out to dinner, he always compliments my appearance, and he went out of his way to take me out to dinner for my birthday. Once in a while he will contact me before I contact him but it is usually through text. He never calls, and his texts have become sparse. When we do meet in person he is very attentive and caring, and even affectionate. It appears that his "focus" is his job so he devotes all of his extra time and attention to that. Even when we meet, he spends copious amounts of time talking about work. He went away on business and just totally cut me off and wouldn't respond to my messages. Before realizing that he was an Aspie I broke down and told him that I felt neglected and unappreciated. He told me that wasn't it at all, he was sorry I felt that way, and that he was very much interested in me but that he had some issues that he was dealing with as far as work. He describes it as having issues with the work life balance and he has said that he doesn't know how to change it. It is obviously more than that.

I don't even know if he has come back from his business trip yet. Before he left I told him that I was frustrated and that I needed to choose myself over this chaos. After that message, I wrote him another long message telling him I knew about the Aspergers and that I understand I will do a better job of being direct with him. He actually responded and told me that he wasn't ignoring me and would respond but that he was away on business.


I understand that he needs space and is probably very stressed about being out of town and whatever demands that may be put upon him regarding work. He thanks me for sending him well wishes, and poems but doesn't reciprocate. He told me that he knows he should be doing more but doesn't know why he doesn't. I have told him that I know that he is on the spectrum and that he may have some issues with depression and that I won't leave him. However, this has taken its toll on me. I'm an INTJ so I am not as affectionate and I can relate to needing space, and alone time, but I am also very empathetic and I need him to do more to show me how he feels. Sometimes I need him to check up on me, and if we are dating we should be seeing each other more than once or twice a month. It has literally been almost 5 months and there has been no change.

Is it common for some Aspies to be so focused on their "specialty" whether it is a job, or hobby to the point of shutting out someone that they do care about and want in their life? Do I just give him space and wait for him to come around or should I take all of this to mean that he is trying to cut me out again?

--Frustrated Aspie Lover

Be very clear about what you want and enjoy him.

If you specifically ask for something and he agrees, then I would expect him to follow through. If he says he can't, think about alternatives. For the reaching out thing, you might have to do it all if he doesn't.

I think you need to be honest with yourself whether you can live with that, as he may never be the one reaching out. And if he does, it may be only in the specific ways you've asked for.

Things aren't always what they seem. Have you thought about other possibilities besides Aspergers for why he acts as he does?

Thanks for the response Waterfalls. I initially thought that maybe it was because he was an INFP and that it might have something to do with how he responds to situations. But, I started putting the pieces together. His parents came to visit him earlier in the year and he said he wasn't looking forward to it at all, not because he didn't like them but because the logistics would be too overwhelming. One time he told me that he was so overwhelmed and that he didn't have friends to turn to. He also told me that he was surprised that I was still in in his life because he didn't keep most people around for long. He told me that he can't read cues, and that he is confident in in work life but socially he is very inept. He has gone two weeks without seeing his daughter because of work. He even takes his glasses off when we are together. I wondered about that then I figured out that it has to do with not making eye contact. Also, I always wondered why he would ask me how I was doing but when I would ask him how he was doing or feeling he would ignore the question. I get it now.

If he is not an Aspie then I am not sure what. He is a very kind person and throughout our friendship would do anything I asked if he could so I don't think he is a narcissist. I know he has sensory issues and doesn't like to sleep without pajamas. I think that in a lot of ways he has "learned" how to 'NT' but sometimes it seems rote.

I love him so much. I don't know how to walk away.

He also has an IQ of 150.

If he will really do anything for you then you should be able to work around the areas of disagreement. A brief text or call once or twice a day to every other day is not unreasonable if he is regularly away and you're willing that he does it when it's convenient. Asking without criticism is important as you don't think he is trying to upset you.

I don't know about this guy, but a lot of Aspies / neurodiverse guys will obsess about their loved one's and are unable to prioritize anything higher than that. That he seems to put his work first could either mean he is not one of those types, or that he is not in love with you. It can also be problematic to start a relationship through a friendship for some neurodiverse guys.

I'd suggest you try to find out more about his previous relationships.

As for only wanting to meet once or twice a month. I know neurodiverse people with such preferences, so that certainly exists, but I'm unsure how common it is. I certainly would want to meet more frequently than that.

Thanks for the insight rdos. I am still trying to figure it all out myself. As I stated, we have been friends for 11 years. He finally confided in me this year that he obsessed over me for all of those years but never had the courage to tell me how he felt until now. So yes, it is puzzling that he has me now but he doesn't know what to do with me....Or as you stated, is not in love with me.

I told him that he could be honest if he is not feeling me or if he is not interested or if the timing is off. He told me he was interested in me and repeated that he has always been interested in me since he first met me. Then he said the timing was just off and that he hoped that he didn't lose me.

That explains it somewhat. If he already has obsessed with you for that long, then his feelings for you have been "normalized" so it is no longer so obsessive, and his brain no longer prioritizes you as high anymore. It's similar to how a crush is replaced with attachment in a more normal relationship. That does explain why he prioritizes his work higher. He probably is in love with you in a less obsessive way more like somebody would be after being in a relationship for 10 years.



That's probably accurate.

How do you know he is on the spectrum? Did he say he was, did he ever agree he is?

Parts in your post put me off like there are red flags and you should run. If it is affecting your emotional health, I say you are both not compatible and the fact he said he is sorry you feel that way, that isn't even a real apology and he is blaming how you feel on you.

The fact that he ran off and didn't speak to you for two months is also a red flag for me. If a guy did that to me, I would just move on because my ex did that and I would never let another person treat me that way ever again. If anyone ever dares to pull that stunt on me, I am gone. Not speaking because you are so angry is one thing, but doing it to punish someone and to get your way and to make the other person feel bad and guilty and to make them upset isn't okay.

Also five months and no change, I say move on and that is enough time for you to decide he isn't the right person. I can't say if he is a narcissist or just someone who is a workaholic and doesn't have time for anyone. But he shouldn't be in a relationship if he can't commit to it and also the fact he has not seen his daughter also puts me off. But that doesn't mean you can't literally be friends with him just because things didn't work out between you two.

He never said he was on the spectrum, but I used my experience of studying clinical psychology and being 'married' to the DSM-IV, in addition to the two adults I knew with Aspergers as well as the children that I have worked with on the spectrum to deduce that he is also indeed on the spectrum.

Most of the comments I've read online from women who have dated/married Aspies is that it isn't an easy road and that you do make a lot of concessions and sacrifices. This type of relationship isn't for everyone. I am not expecting him to be what it is not in his genetic makeup to be.

He left after two months because I accused him of lying about something that in actuality was very trivial but I did it in a very combative way. He didn't choose to punish me, he basically ended things because he thought I was taking out past experiences on him. It also brought up issues related to a very sensitive time in his life. We have since talked about that incident and he apologized for it. As far as him saying he was sorry that I felt the way I did, he said that was not his intention at all.

My NT response is just like yours @League_Girl as far as wanting to run for the hills. However, the part of me that has seen his beautiful, intelligent, caring and giving side and that understands that an Aspies' love is different from the relationships that I have shared with NTs tells me that I need to be direct with him and tell him exactly what I expect and need or otherwise he won't get it. And he may never tell me in words how he feels. I barely do that myself, but he needs to know that I expect more action. I am starting to understand that he lives for his calendar so we may have to literally schedule our dating.

Before I decide whether this is or isn't for me, I need to sit down and talk to him and be very specific about my needs and I need to ask him directly what he wants and expects from me.

Erm, I'm on the spectrum, my last partner was a narcissistic and I thought he had AS so like you I tried to put up with his flaws but now I find out they were all deliberate and done with intent to hurt me and that he hid behind his labels to abuse. He also said he had it too and I agreed he did. He also seemed like a great man when we met and very sweet and innocent and naive but he was a covert narcissistic. I sometimes go back and forth thinking maybe he wasn't one and he just had issues with himself because he just didn't accept himself so he took it out on others by over compensating. But that was a hard lesson for me to learn and I should have learned from my first relationship that I can't always help people but instead it took me after the next one to learn that.

But after you telling me more why he went silent on you, it makes more sense now so I can understand why he didn't talk to you so it wasn't like he did the silent treatment to punish you. But I still think you should let the partner know it's all over between you two so they know they are single and that you two are no longer together. When my ex went silent on me, I had anxiety and I felt trapped because I wanted to break up with him but couldn't because he wouldn't answer his phones or emails and you cannot do break ups online or on the phone, they have to be done in person. it was two months of hell and I felt relieved when my mom told me he had moved on and we had already broken up and boy did I feel light because that was how much anxiety I had and the stress. So I decided after that if any man goes silent on me, I will just assume we have broken up and I will move on and no anxiety. If a man can't talk to me during a relationship because he needs weeks without any communication, then he also isn't for me. I think if a person must go silent, they should at least let their partner know, you know be upfront about it. But I don't think I would be able to handle that so that would mean I wouldn't want a relationship with that person. Nothing personal.

But just because he is on the spectrum doesn't mean you have to put up with his flaws if they hurt you, it just means he isn't right for you and you are not right for him and it wouldn't mean you are intolerant or a bigot or cold hearted for breaking up with him. It would just mean you both weren't compatible.

That doesn't matter a lot. What matters is the traits observed. Official diagnosis is not required in order to suspect somebody is on the spectrum and taking that into account.



There are no signs whatsoever that he is a narcissist.



Agreed. He should find time to meet more often.

There are overlaps in conditions. For example, someone can have poor social skills and difficulty with reading social cues but that doesn't mean they are on the spectrum. Anxiety disorders also mimic autistic traits and I sure can't tell the difference and OCD and autism traits also overlap, also covert narcissism overlaps with Asperger's.

Oh she posted parts in it that reminded me of my ex and he was a narcissist. For one not speaking to you, and not being sorry for how she feels and blamed it on her instead. But she is giving him the benefit of the doubt and I hope she doesn't get hurt like I did because I thought my ex was aspie, just another example about overlaps in symptoms. I hope it goes well for her and that they can work it out and she replied telling me she had a talk with him about the sorry situation and he told her it wasn't his intention and also why he went silent on her. But we have to draw the line somewhere for relationships.

I think that League_Girl may be transferring her negative experience with her ex onto my experience with my guy.

He is not a narcissist. He literally will put himself in situations so as not to hurt other people. Though he does have an issue with avoidance. I even looked at the Schizotypal and Shizoid Personality Disorders but they don't fit. He is an introvert who likes alone time, but he has talked about wanting to socialize more. He told me that he shutdown on the weekend because he is so tired and overwhelmed. He will actually turn his phone to silent so he can de-stress. If anything, I see comorbodity with depression. He has talked about having good days and bad days which is why he needs his weekends to recharge. He has told me about detaching from people, mostly when he becomes overwhelmed and that he will block them or delete them, though he said he never did that with me.

I don't think he knows how to "be" and I don't think he fully understands why he is the way that he is. He just knows that he has a million things going on in his brain that he can't turn off, he can't read people, he loves history and politics, and he can't just leave work alone. It's interesting to note that as I think back to his description of his time without me, he said that he missed me and he had these feelings inside that he didn't understand. He felt guilty about feeling something even though so much time had passed (two months).

I think he loves me but doesn't understand it so he avoids dealing with it. I outed his AS and surprisingly he isn't mad at me because he is still talking to me, but I understand he is digesting everything going on in his life.

I've been in a couple of relationships in the past where the guy would pull a silent treatment on me, and -- and this is just me -- personally I don't ever want to deal with someone like that ever again.

I don't really care about the person's reasons or whys and hows, the net effect on me is that I'm being stonewalled, left hanging, left alone, can't reach them, and my life is negatively affected by their withdrawal from all contact.

Life is complicated and stressful enough, without your relationship partner adding this messing-about to the mix. A relationship should be your "soft place to land," your sanctuary and support emotionally, the one "place" that's stable in an unstable world and existence. That's the ideal, at least.

Even if this guy is agonizing within himself, over his feelings, his withdrawal of contact, etc, or is struggling with Aspie reasons why those things are happening (which I totally get), still the net effect is harming you. Even though I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt or harm you. If he refuses to sit down and get real with you about his issues, so that you cane either work together over things or call it a day, that's not good. Aspie or not, people need to help each other understand why something problematic is problematic.

As I've gotten older in life, I now look back at men I was involved with and I quite badly regret the time I wasted agonizing over difficult men who didn't know what they wanted, regarding me. I now really regret all the time and energy I wasted wondering "When is going to talk to me again after that fight we had?" Not being able to get hold of him. Him not calling. Him storming out in an argument instead of hashing things out to a mutually agreeable conclusion. Then him making himself disappear from the face of the Earth for weeks, in a huff, or as punishment to me.

NEVER AGAIN.

I actually ruined my life trying to work with one particular man who did this stuff to me. I now see that he wasn't worth it, and yes that sounds harsh, but seriously, you only have ONE life. Don't let someone take up space in it who is causing you such turmoil, confusion and wasted time.

There is no such thing as "wasted time". Such things belong in the NT social world, mostly in work, but not in relationships. All that counts is that the balance of positive and negative things, which at least partly is related to expectations that can be changed. Not seeing somebody for weeks is only a negative if you expect to see them regularly.