"Pathological Demand Avoidance" seems to fit me (and maybe my middle daughter) uncomfortably well.
I came across the concept reading a book about PTSD. It fits my uncle really, really well-- he avoids doing anything that has a potential for failure, a potential for loss of control, a potential that he might not be able to complete the task. As he's gotten older and his health has gone downhill, he pretty much avoids everything. Other than the blowhard behavior he engages in hoping you won't see that he's terrified, it's hard to get mad at him about it, because the anxiety is palpable.
I got to thinking about how much it also reminds me of me, got on the Internet, and found out is closely associated with ASDs (or is an ASD, depending on who you ask).
EVERYTHING fits, except the "need to control the situation." Everyone wants some measure of autonomy of course, but I'm much more comfortable when I'm NOT in control (ie someone is telling me what to do and when and how to do it). The reason is clear and simple: I am unutterably terrified of messing it up.
The more an activity involves interacting with relative strangers (particularly powerful strangers, like say the power company rep that I need to call to resolve an issue with my bill, or the insurance agent I need to talk to to discuss a claim, or the tenant I need to call up on the telephone to make sure they have everything they need for winter), the less likely I am to be able to do it, because the thought of messing it up is blindingly terrifying.
The problem with this, of course, is that I'm 37 years old. I have a husband whose job stress just went through the roof (promoted against his will), four kids, and a house to run. I cannot continue to live as an adolescent child who's really good at doing housework and has a driver's license. I need to be able to put on my big girl panties and do the things that scare me s**tless, WITHOUT someone holding my hand and pulling my strings the entire time.
Share what you know, what you think, and what has worked for you (or people you know) in overcoming the terror of responsibility, particularly of the variety that involves dealing with strangers when there is no simple, polite script.
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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
09 Nov 2015, 11:49 am
