meltdown from relationship ending

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I can't handle it. I cannot handle it and I don't know what to do.

Yep....breakups do suck.

I guess you don't want to provide us with the details.

Anyway....Good luck with your next person.

He's on the spectrum and I'm...I don't know what I am but it's f****d up.

What would seem like regular fights end between a couple that I'd think would last in like, a day's anger, results in a total breakdown of the relationship. We've broken up twice now, even though the second time wasn't even really a break up since we weren't together officially even though we were acting like we were. He needs space but I don't understand why. We says there were cracks but I didn't see them and he never told me what they were. I know he holds a lot of guilt, he feels like he's not there enough for me, but it's only when s**t like this happens is he not there enough for me because he's not there at all.

I honestly have moments where wanting to talk to him is -the- most important thing to me. Like I would give up a million dollars just to be able to talk to him. I have never felt so addicted to anything, could not fathom how this would feel. But then 2 minutes later I can be calm, collected.

I'm in therapy, I went in thinking I'm schizoidish, the diagnostician says I'm closer to BPD (they're not at all similar), I realized through the past 6 months that my rearing was emotionally abusive. I'm in a DBT group which all makes sense and seems helpful, but putting the things to use that I learn in it is something else. I have near constant social anxiety that, again, I didn't even know I had until recently. People were just not wanted in my life, now I know there's a word for it and that it's anxiety. I feel from this process like I've lost my personality or maybe it's just my persona, that I've cultivated my whole life so I could fit in. I'm a complete wreck.

I just...what do details matter if what I need to do is get on with my life? I can't handle it. I don't know how to handle myself. I feel like there's like, 4 or 5 of me in there and I have no control. This loss of control is nuts.

I didn't use the term meltdown lightly either, nor do I think out of context. (I've had meltdowns since a child, tantrums they would be called then, but I still get them as an adult when I'm stressed. They are one of the things that lead to us breaking up the first time we did.) I woke up last night and slammed my head with my hand multiple times. I'm not one who usually self-harms, but the emotion is so intense and so painful I don't know what to do.

I don't want to move onto the next person. I want this person. He's what I've always wanted. I don't want to have another connection with someone else, it won't, CAN'T, be the same because it will be someone else. It's not a fear of a loss of a connection, or fearing that I'll never find anything like it again. It's far more simple, straightforward, it's fear of the loss of the -person-

I don't have many friends, the ones I do have I don't really care for. Except for him. Like, people around me could die and it would kinda sad but I'd get on with my life easily. But not him. I don't have a support network; he was my support. I don't trust people, I don't like most people. I only seem to make friends with people on the spectrum. I lost my part-time job with this break-up, because I said I quit and I don't even know why I did because I wasn't even super emotional then. But it was just a different part of me in control. I've lost 2 people that I'd made as friends since the first time we broke up, both used me for money and now I'm in thousands of dollars of debt, one of them outright threatened me. I ended a, if not happy, at least stable, safe marriage to be with this man whom can't handle being with me and I can hardly blame him; I don't handle being myself. The first time we broke up I checked myself into a suicide ward on 2 separate occasions.

Through all this I know he still cares for me. I've tried everything short of getting a restraining order on myself to not try to communicate with him but it's driving me insane. Asking me to not communicate with him feels like asking me to not breath, at least when the insane, emotional part of me is dominant.

More than once I've considered trying to see if I can move into some sort of group home where there's constant care and supervision, because I feel so out of control of myself. I hate doing things, I've had meltdowns over just getting out of bed in the morning and showering.

I know I've been told to keep busy, but I don't know on what. I can't focus on most things, I need to find some random thing that piques my interest then I'll be OK for awhile, but I can't make myself focus. I would move out of town, but the extremely limited budget means moving is not in my immediate future. That and the idea of all the work involved in packing etc is, well, people here should be able to understand, daunting to the point of tears.

Breakup is never a good feeling. However you have to realise at some point that this guy can't be your only support system. It's too much.

How do I go about getting other support systems? Actually just returning and posting on WP is grounding me a lot. But outside of the internet, in the 'real world' it's way different.

It upsets me and will probably always unsettle me though, will probably always hurt, because I feel like he gave up before he'd given it everything. That's what I have a hard time accepting. I want to try again, right away, right now, because I think there are so many things we didn't do or try. Only when all those things fail, only then will I feel the relationship should have ended.

The breakup was neither mutual nor because he stopped loving me. That's why I am having such a hard time with this, like I am forced into accepting something I do not believe to be true.