Autistic teen refuses to do schoolwork over aide?

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I have a 16 year old daughter who hasn't done any school work her entire year because her aide isn't removed. She is in the 11th grade, has ASD, is in general education since 9th grade, and has an aide with her all day. She harassed me all summer to remove the aide. She asked me to write a letter to the school to remove the aide but they didn't. Ever since then my daughter has flat out refused to do her schoolwork for the entire year. She comes to school and just sits on her desk doing nothing. I progressively took away everything. She has nothing except a bed blanket and some simple clothes. No TV, internet, friends, anything. The school calls me EVERY DAY telling me my daughter refuses to do her work. I had to go to so many meetings with the school. It's driving me crazy. Some 2 months ago I told her not to talk to me about removing the aide. But recently while she was suspended for hitting the aide I told her to just listen to her teachers and do her work, and she started arguing with me. I can't go to the school every 2 weeks. I have more important things to worry about. My mother has severe Alzheimer's and can't be on her own. I also have a part time job from home. At one of the meetings I asked why they didn't listen to her and remove the aide. They said the aide is to protect her so kids won't bully her. In elementary school kids harassed her so many times (I talked to the school about it, they did nothing) so in 5th grade she harassed the kids back CONSTANTLY. Her middle school said they will make sure she won't be bullied again and gave her an aide. It was the schools decision, not mine. I go to a psychotherapist every week and suggest she come to resolve this situation but she won't until the aide is removed. When we dragged her there (this happened only once) she just refused to talk to the therapist.

She has been suspended for spitting at the aide, throwing things at her, and was once arrested for hitting the aide. I had to pick her up at the police station. Even this morning she said if she sees the aide she will punch her and doesn't care about consequences. She has been in general ed since 9th grade and was doing great. She did all her work. She stopped going to counseling and OT at 9th grade because "I'm not ret*d" but still did well academically and never had significant behavior issues until now. Last year she asked me a few times to remove the aide but I didn't. She begged me all summer to remove the aide. Then when school started she asked me to write a letter to remove the aide. I did. That day the school called me and asked if my daughter made me write the letter. I told them my daughter asked me to write the letter and has been begging me all summer to remove the aide. I asked her a few times why she doesn't want to have an aide. The response is either she's not ret*d or doesn't need a babysitter. I told her I go to psychotherapy every week and I'm not ret*d. I already wrote a letter to the school asking them to remove the aide. I don't want to fight the school. I have to worry about my mother who can't be left alone. My husband works. I told her I can arrange psychotherapy for her "not until I remove the aide." My daughter will be 17 in March. Any advice is appreciated.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

It is an unfortunate situation. What your daughter needs to realize is that her behavior is proving to the school that she needs an aide more than ever. She absolutely will not get the aide removed until she shows she can behave properly and do her work.

At that age having an aide is more likely to draw negative attention than help her, especially if she doesn't actually struggle academically. Sounds like she really feels like no one hears her or even cares to listen at all and just disregards her. Also maybe she feels like the aide wronged her in some way....either way I think the best thing would be to figure out a way to remove that, maybe get her some therapy geared towards coping on her own instead.

I do not think depriving her of everything but a mattress, blanket and simple clothes is an effective solution at all. That she still completely refuses seems to imply there is something deeper going on than simple misbehavior or a bad attitude. Sounds like she's really having a lot of turmoil with this issue of having an aide, she needs understanding...and to feel like someone cares about her wants and needs otherwise she's not going to open herself to anything let alone alternatives to the aide. I think another solution than taking all her belongings and preventing her access to t.v, internet and friends indefinitely is going to be needed rather quickly.

The best solution is to listen to your daughter and remove the aide.
At least try it and see what happens.

I agree. I think it's important to listen to kids when they are trying to be more independent. Are you in the U.S.? Because, I am pretty sure that you can legally refuse the service of the aide. My son's old school tried to give him an aide as a solution to his constantly being bullied too, instead of deferring him to another school where he would get social help or dealing with the kids who were picking on him. I knew that he would hate having an aide and felt that it would hinder his own social progress and that he would regress over it in other ways. He does not like people breathing down his neck or "helping" him. I refused the service and got him into another school.

Can you get her reevaluated somewhere outside the school district? If you can get a doctor to agree that she does not need an aide, it will make it easier. I know it seems like her behavior with the aide confirms that she *does* need an aide, but she may be worlds better without one.

I am in the U.S. I did write a letter to the school asking them to remove the aide. That day the school called me and asked if my daughter made me write the letter. I told them my daughter asked me to write the letter and has been begging me all summer to remove the aide. The school didn't remove the aide.

I think the girl's behavior shows that she is very frustrated that no one is listening to her, and she has no recourse but to act out against the aide.

I agree. The fact that she has no t.v, internet, friends and is still acting this way says a whole lot. I don't think taking away this stuff is working. I would be persistant with the school, and try to get a doctor's opinion about how the aide is not necessary and making things worse to present to the school, so that the school does not try and say you are non compliant. If you tell her that you are going to try to help her to get rid of the aide, maybe she will see the doctor you want her to see.

I didn't have such severe behaviour problems and actually wanted support that I was legally entitled to rather than wanting to get rid of it... but around the same age I worked out that the Learning Support Assistants and Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator wouldn't listen to a word I said unless I behaved so badly it forced them too.

Aside from not doing the work, does she behave for the other teachers? Is her behaviour soley directed at the TAs.

Could you get an agreement for her to complete some work at home... and if she does it they will trial not having an aide.

To the school it probably sounds like you're only saying to stop the aide because she's nagging you, I would be more forceful and say you think the aide is causing problems and would like to trial not having the aide. Leave it open to the aide returning if she struggles more without so you don't have lots of trouble if you need one back.

My only concern would be that the pressure of 'perform or aide returns' might be too much for your daughter - especially if she's so far behind now.

If you are in the US,call an IEP meeting. Tell them you want the aide removed and that is what the meeting is about. Unfortunately, yes, they will use your daughter's behavior with the aide against her and probably argue that she might attack the teacher when she doesn't get her way about something else. I don't know how you will persuade them she won't, but I do think your daughter is sick of not being listened to and being punished at school and at home for it, on top of that.

I would then work on your daughter. Tell her you know she is not MR, and explain what you are going to do and make sure she knows that she is going to have to behave to make a good case. Show her the letter you have drafted (draft it first) asking for the IEP meeting to remove the aide. Tell her you are sending it to the school, but she has to do her part too. My understanding is that most districts want older kids at these meetings, and if you think she can behave herself at one, tell her you will take her so she can make her case also, but she will need a history of behaving between now and then for this to work.

Normally you can refuse and aide -but- I am not sure if that is the case when there are actual safety issues.

The main issue is she had the police called. Did she had charges filed?

Most likely school will not removed the aide because if your daughter attacks the teacher, the teacher can sue the school district and win. I know that happened in my district where the aide was pulled due to budget cuts. The student got mad and broke the teachers jaw. It was an open hand slap (obviously hard).

The student (16), also had assault charges filed and was convicted.

Your daughter knows mad=I'll be physically aggressive. That is all the court needs for an assault conviction. She is not blindly lashing out. She's not psychotic. She is mad because the aide is there, and reacts to being mad.

Frankly, I'd give her all her stuff back. It's not working. I would also write the school and see if they will pull her aide.

But I would also tell her that she is now responsible for her actions. She acts the fool and attacks another student or teacher, SHE deals with the consequences. It might be expulsion, dealing with the court system or booted to a residential treatment center.

Because once she hits 18, that is how the real world is going to treat her like that anyway. I think she gets a lot of mileage acting the the oppressed victim. Because what if the aide is pulled? Now she gets all her stuff back. I'd be curious just to see how she reacts. Can your daughter step it up and behave properly? You don't really know because it's been all lock down mode for so long.

Like I tell my daughter, becareful what you wish for.

You should insist to the school on removing the aide.
Your daughter wants to grow up, so you should let her.
If you don't, you are holding her back.
If she doesn't become independent adult, this will be part of the reason why.
If she gets so behind on schoolwork that she can't get into college, this is also part of the reason.
There is no reason for a high-functioning autistic, intellectually normal, academically doing well, not behaving badly student to have an aide.
Transfer the aide to someone else who needs the aide more.
I am glad that your daughter is standing up for herself in this case, even if she is resorting to violence to do it.
I don't see any other option for her when both the school and her parents are not supporting her or listening to her.
The worst part is her parents not taking her perspective and helping her against the school.
She may not trust you for a long time if you don't change something soon.

@btbnnyr

I consider giving everything back and removing the aide an experiment. Who knows how she will react? It may be butterflies and rainbows or it may be the Hindenburg.

My friends son did this acting out all through 9th grade, and was absolutely horrible. He was all riled.

He didn't need no aide.
He didn't need no resource room.
He didn't need no time out space.
He didn't need pills or a psychiatrist.
He was fine.

So his parents called for an IEP revision and pulled everything. They pulled the shrink and tapered off his meds.

The thing was he had to sign a contract with his parents, school and psychiatrist that he agreed to some intervention if a, b or c happened. If everything was humming along, nothing changed. But if a, b or c happened, adults would step in because his is a minor.

The son lasted a two months. Really two weeks, but no one step in because her son had to realize he needed some help. He had to ask for the help, and not fight it.

Her son didn't realize there is a different between "stupid/ret*d" and need scaffolding. High school is hard for NTs, but he sank like a stone. His "rock bottom" wasn't pretty, but in the end he did agree to some help. No aide, but just about everything else got put back into place with him agreeing to it.

That sounds like a bad situation. She must feel very humiliated about having an aide because it makes her feel ret*d. She might want to be normal but instead she has an aide and will do anything to get rid of her and protest by being bad and nothing is working to get her to quit. Her goal is to get rid of that aide. I thought at first if it was the aide itself but no, she just doesn't want an aide at all. Also I agree with a poster in this thread, the way she is acting is showing the school that she needs an aide so acting up isn't going to get her what she wants. That is just how people think unfortunately. They don't look at the cause, they look at the behavior and think "Oh, she does need an aide because she doesn't know how to act appropriate," not "Oh, we better get rid of the aide and not give her another one or else she will keep being bad."

if you infantilize a kid, she will continue to be an infant.
Not because of autism, but because of parents and school.