Autistic teen refuses to do schoolwork over aide?

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if you infantilize a kid, she will continue to be an infant.
Not because of autism, but because of parents and school.

Wiser words were seldom spoken

IMO it is infantilizing to blame the school or parents for the behavior this young woman engages in. It appears to me she is being assaultive because of wanting to manipulate other people so she can get her way and not have an aide. I would be sympathetic to a meltdown if she is being handled by the aide but that doesn't seem to be the case. If I am understanding correctly, this is planned.

A campaign of passive resistance would elicit my sympathy. Aggression to control others is a choice, and she is responsible for that choice.

Her behavior sounds volitional, which is concerning. Of course, I feel for her. She doesn't want to be seen as different. I totally get that. But the fact that she thinks tanking her education and assaulting others is a justifiable solution to the situation shows she has significant lack of judgement, and my fear is, by doing what she demands, you are only teaching her that extreme behaviors get you what you want in life. She needs to learn that compromise, consideration, and showing good judgment are what's rewarded.

I would arrange that if she does all of her school work and has 0 incidents of aggressive or assaultive behavior for 2 weeks, she will lose her aide for the period of her choice. If she goes one more week, she gets to choose another period. For each week she does her school work and refrains from aggressive/assaultive behavior, she gets to remove the aide from another period. ANY aggressive behavior or slacking in school work results in an immediate full-reinsertion of her aide and she needs to "earn" no-aide periods again.

She needs to learn that good behavior is rewarded. Not bad behavior.

For the love of Pete, don't give into her escalations. That is how many a bad behavior is shaped in kids all over the world.

She's 16. Not 4. She should be treated like a young adult and not have someone literally hold her hand everywhere she goes.

That would be a very astute observation if she was not spitting in people's faces and engaging in assaultive behavior, landing her in the police station. She is CHOOSING to show poor judgement, and she is not acting like a young adult.

I am suggesting to give her an opportunity to have control over her situation through positive behaviors, not escalating negative ones,

It isn't about treating someone like a "child" or a "young adult." It is about being mindful about how a bad situation is handled to make sure that the negative outcomes don't continue to escalate. If she wants to be treated like a young adult, she has to be able to demonstrate that she can be trusted to use self-restraint and good judgement. If she can, then no one is in a place to argue that she needs an aide. And she has had an opportunity to problem solve in a positive way.

Also, you said the aide was implemented to reduce bullying. A part of the solution also has to be for her to have a plan regarding how she will constructively handle bullying if it resurfaces. She should be prepared that it will. And she should already know exactly what she will do, so that when it happens, she is not left to deal with it "on the fly," but rather that she has a well-practiced script so she can get herself safely out of the situation and get help.

I have literally had both of my kids practice how they would respond to bullying. My daughter, especially, is ill equipped to handle unfamiliar situations without establishing some kind of script ahead of time. My son's go-to's are usually humor based, like he will agree with whatever they said and exaggerate it to an extreme, and my daughter uses controlled sarcasm (like responding in a deadpan voice "You. are. SO. funny." Or in a voice that resembles someone who just saw a cute kitten: "Awww...do you feel better about yourself now?")

Well clearly she doesn't have a choice at this point. She's unable to function properly with this aide around her all the time. No progress will be made as long as he/she's there, quite the contrary. If it goes on people may get seriously hurt or killed and she'll end up in jail. Or even worse, she kills herself.

Can't blame her either. I wouldn't last 5 minutes with someone stalking me everywhere I went. She asked everyone to remove the aide but they did not, so now she tries violence which is perfectly understandable (!) and that doesn't even work. If you ask a bully to stop and they won't, you fight back. Most natural thing in the world.

Who would ever even come up with that idea? If she gets bullied, you punish the bullies. Not her. Isn't that common sense? Where I live the bullies would be lucky to get a warning before getting permanently expelled from all schools. Having someone follow her around everywhere against her will while she did nothing wrong is almost dehumanizing.

Sadly people are blind to cruelty when they see it and will probably always blame the girl when things escalate. Oh well.

Unfortunately this young woman has done some things wrong by being aggressive and that limits her options right now.

She needs to stop being aggressive her response is out of proportion.

Well clearly her behaviour needs to change to return this to a "normal" situation. But the course of action taken leaves much to be desired and is more than likely the cause of this behaviour. It's not difficult to see how this is a vicious cycle that's not going to end like people are wanting it to. She's not going to change because she knows she's being wronged. She would rather choose violence and give up everything than giving in. It's quite admirable actually, but sad for her nonetheless.

Also out of proportion I'm not sure. I don't know the full story of course, but she doesn't seem to have any other choice at this point.

grrrr...GIANT post just got eaten.

I hate that captcha thing. I only ever post from this specific computer. It should be able to recognize that I am me.

If I can, I will try to recreate later.

I agree with you. I think when she first expressed a desire not to have an aide, an IEP meeting should have been called, her included, and a plan made to remove the aide on a trial basis to gather information regarding how it would effect her. I believe that the fact that that didn't happen is what caused this behavior.

But since we can't go back in time and re-write what happened, we can only deal with what is happening now.



I do not agree with you at all on this point, and it seems clear by this statement that you are identifying with the girl (understandable because you are close in age and you--presumably at 20--are not a parent of a teenage kid. This vicious cycle CAN end, and it is an opportunity to teach the girl how to make that happen in a constructive way. There is nothing at all admirable about sacrificing your future for a current, temporary situation. Nor is there anything admirable about thinking that you can manipulate others through violence.



She DOES have another choice. She has the choice to call an IEP meeting, to acknowledge that she has responded inappropriately, and to suggest a plan like the one I suggested above. She has the choice to demonstrate through her behavior that she can handle herself without an aide and that no one needs to fear for their (or her) safety.

Or, she has the choice to continue to demonstrate that she is impulsive, immature, and has poor judgment. She can also continue to diminish her chances for independence in the future by spitefully denying herself an education.

If she were my daughter, I would most definitely want her to know how to advocate for herself, because she will likely have to do it for the rest of her life. However, I would not want her to think that escalating negative behavior equals self-advocacy. She is on a self-destructive path, and regardless of how she got set on that path, she needs help and support to get her back on the right path. Teaching her that threats and violence are acceptable means to an end will never land her on the right path.

I admire, Selfless, that you identify with her and that you can feel her pain, so to speak. I appreciate that you are speaking up for her. I hope that you can be open to the idea that she is not doing anything to help herself and is only hurting herself further. So although one may be able to empathize with her plight, one still needs to be able to understand that her response to her situation is ineffective, no matter how understandable we might find it, and look for other solutions...not just stick with a "solution" that is never going to gain the outcome she wishes.

Didn't know, but good to know...I just continued to hit the back button on my browser until I got to my old post, and then I resubmitted it.

I can understand why she would be acting that way. She probably feels she has no other choice and she doesn't know the other option she can do. She feels she has ran out so she went crazy. She may feel the walls are closing in on her so she will fight back to try and knock them back. I think she is unlikely to be violent until she is placed in a situation she feels trapped in and can't get out. I also see that once she gets what she wants, the behavior will stop but sadly that is not how people operate. That is like giving into a child when they throw a tantrum and then the kid learns they will get what they want when they throw one.

I definitely relate to her. I've always been self-destructive. Not quite in the same way, I would be the one to always listen to whatever my parents said. If they told me I couldn't go out then I would stop asking and just be at home studying like they wanted me to. Resulting in me never going out and learning crucial social skills. If I had stood up for myself more it might have been different, but I decided to put my own desires aside to fulfill theirs. She's more the other way around but in the end it's still a bad situation.

I agree that you shouldn't reward bad behaviour, but removing the aide is a reasonable request. There's no reason to believe she'll become an inconsiderate, selfish person because people were lenient once and gave her what she wanted just that time. Like I said she's old enough to understand the consequences of her own actions.

Selflessness, she is not you.

Forgetting for a moment everything else, she has been violent so she is frightening other people including the children in her classes and apparently isn't aware the issue is not just her not wanting an aide.

I understand you disagree with the idea her violence shows she needs an aide, but what about what it does to the teacher and children's sense of security to have this young woman being aggressive and getting her way through violence? Their needs matter as much as hers, and right now if I were a child in her classroom I would want her aide watching (though would probably want the aide to keep a tactful distance and that is certainly a reasonable thing to ask if she were willing to discuss what bothers her for the purpose of moving toward a solution).