Don't feel like I am *like* other autistic people

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I'm not sure if it's okay for me to reply to this post as I'm not officially diagnosed, but I strongly believe I'm at the higher functioning end of the spectrum.
I originally joined this site back in 2012, but ended up doubting I could be on the spectrum until very recently. Even now I question myself and I haven't even been diagnosed, but so many traits and signs make me feel that it's impossible for me to not be on the spectrum, so I honestly believe I'm an aspie. I relate better to autistic people than allistic people, but I often still feel very different from most autistic people, as well.

My main autistic traits are: special interests/obsessions, perseveration (thoughts, topics, trouble with transitions/change), stimming, awkward posture and movement, poor coordination, mild sensory issues, hyper-focusing, trouble expressing empathy in RL conversations, delayed reaction times in social situations, social exhaustion, often poor eye contact, my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual, I believe I experience informational overload, mild meltdowns/shutdowns, poor emotional regulation, delayed maturity(coping mechanisms of a small child), mild language processing issues (I seem to process homonyms slower than others), detail-based thinking and often trouble with the big picture, impaired executive functioning, attention issues, traits of NVLD.

But I often still feel like I'm not aspie enough because I don't like maths, can't memorise strings of numbers without effort (I'm language oriented), and because I can understand facial expressions, sarcasm, etc and can appear quite 'normal' under the right circumstances. For example, I make more eye contact when talking about something that interests me and I seem to be able to don a mask when I need to look more 'normal'.

Also I think my family have very stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like, so the mere fact that I can be so verbally long-winded, and can smile etc, and the fact that I'm probably of average IQ and not a mathematical genius, means, to them, I'm perfectly allistic even when I'm rocking back and forth at times, or sitting quietly and not making eye contact during most gatherings, and even though I prefer to talk about the same few topics incessantly. I don't think any of them know what Aspergers is, and even they do, they probably believe there's no way it could apply to someone in our family.....
I honestly believe the fact I've gone undiagnosed is not only that my symptoms are relatively mild, but also because my family aren't observant, tend to not go to doctors, and I've been isolated and pretty much ignored for most of my life.

I feel the same. I don't appear to have the problems that they seem to have, at least not to the same extent. Performing tests etc online (I know this is not used as a diagnosis tool) I seem to be getting middle of the road results on a consistent basis.

Sometimes my Asperger's comes out in a bad way but a lot of the time I wonder why I was diagnosed. Going to meetings etc with other Autistic people only adds to this frustration.

I THINK I can feel empathy. I still can't grasp the idea too well. I always thought it was just being able to relate to someone, but I get yelled at for "not seeing how others feel" and I can console someone, and try my best to make them happy, but their grief doesn't make me sad. I just sort of pretend to feel the hurt with them. I honestly would rather change the subject, but then I feel like if they go into depression or kill themselves, it would be my fault. I also don't like my friends being unhappy.

I can also understand jokes and sarcasm to a point. What I heard referred to as slapstick comedy doesn't make sense to me though. I find it kind of childish. Then the sexual jokes fly right over my head. I use to spew out innuendos because I honestly didn't know that what I had said could be thought of in a sexual way, well, I still do. I get laughed at a lot for it.


I have other characteristics that neurotypical people font exactly understand, but those two things aren't too bad for me. I think. I honestly don't know.

Personally I fit the mold almost exactly. My only difference is eye contact, because I've worked on that enough to the point that I can maintain it, unless I think about it then I start having trouble.

Otherwise, I am slightly abnormal in my interest with psychology and sociology. I assume most people with ASDs don't think about these things but I do because I'm so paranoid and I want to know everything about other people. Kind of like how North Korea is constantly on alert and since they lack embassies in all countries they want to know everything about other countries because they do not have the tools of common diplomacy and are unaligned with the major powers.

I definitely DO feel like other autistic people. It is not a bad thing. NTs don’t like our mannerisms and in some case envy the freedom of speech. If you have a successful career you have eventually learned to manage it.

Sure.

I cannot relate to many common circumstances and experiences of autistics like overall anxiety, constant sensory issues and overall avoidance, mental health issues, loneliness, romanticism and sexuality and it's woes, being in fandoms of any kind, IRL infodumping especially with active but odd, being in any therapy, taking meds, getting hospitalized, bullied in adulthood, masking and having to unmask, the intolerance to uncertainty, having routines, being easily startled and hating surprises, above average verbal aptitude and language skills, anything related to fears and phobias, eye contact for being too much, alexithymia and it's internal sensory insensitivities and empathy issues, BEING AWKWARD and believing to be a social loser, unemployment, ADHD issues, any forms of learning disabilities especially clumsiness, giftedness and intellectual disability, needing safe spaces, wanting representation, mutism or nonverbal modes of any kind, etc...

I'm definitely not an NT either. I cannot relate to them even more.
And it's like I'm full blown autistic who can pass for an aspie -- and apparently I'm not the only person who can attest to that.

Even though I know the gist of fundamentals of overall human commonality in practice -- knowing any of that does not solve my issues or the lack of resonance towards anyone so far.

And the social strategies is an even bigger one; many autistics opt for studying psychology and sociology to be with other people and connect with them, being diplomatic and polite, for the sake of having relationships with them, to follow the allistic social rules and to understand allistic empathy, being safer with humans and communicate with them, getting closer to humanity and the fascination of the human mind looking in.

That's not how I'd use the knowledge of psychology and sociology. And that's not what drove me to understand humans and humanity.

My social strategies so far involves using what others think of me against them, positive or negative.
Looking like a target, but the predator is the prey.
And getting away with being the odd one out without getting lynched.

Somehow, my default in approaching social situations and learning is an inverted mindset.
And I don't have a teacher for this. There's no guide for this and not a lot in the internet.

This is also why I get frustrated with my inquiries because the common default is in a 'something and fill in the common assumption blank' -- mine is 'exclude this common assumption of something'.

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I certainly share certain traits with others who have ASD, but that doesn't mean I'd necessarily identify strongly with any given one of them. It depends who I get.

One problem is our diverse special interests. An Aspie may do my head in by woffling on about string theory when I want to woffle on about the finer points of baking a good raisin loaf with the minimum of fuss and bother. Neither of us is good at taking an interest in what the other is interested in, so we bore each other.

There's some sense of tribal identity though. We often have a lot in common - e.g. certain problems with the mainstream neurotypical world. Obviously I wouldn't be here on WP if I felt completely unlike other Aspies.

I've meet very few other people who are into audio restoration and pipe organs