I'm HFA and really terrified at the thought of having kids

Post Reply New Topic

I know it has been a year, but I saw this and wanted to comment.

First, after 30 fertility begins to fall, so it might be a moot point for you.

Second, I found my own children are not as difficult as other people's children. Sound cancelling headphones are a must, and I found, once I adjusted, that one child can be fun. Lining up a good sitter and a good daycare is helpful.

I found the hormones from breastfeeding were rather pleasant. I found the breast pumping routine when at the University was not so bad. I just had to make sure everything was marked, and I carried a cooler with freezer blocks, and use the snack room refrigerator to hold the milk until heading home. If you have your own office, you might be able to do a dorm refrigerator and keep it where nobody else will be touching it. The baby did fine switching from a bottle with a nipple system that mimics the breast, and me. Night feedings are SO much easier on the breast.

Hubby does a LOT of parenting. The parent who most wants to have a child should go to parenting classes and make deliberate preparation for being the primary attachment for the baby.

Baby wearing made life easier for the kid who needed lots of contact. Another did better in a portable playpen at my desk where she could see, hear and touch me. Which meant she felt connected and played with her toys totally ignoring me. Either one frees up hands for the keyboard.

If you hug until the kid pushes you away, they will leave you alone longer.

If you can listen to the baby babble with eye contact, they are happy and go play again--faster.

A good day care is your friend.

If you play music you like close to your belly, the child may come out liking it-- or will kick you until you change the music. I had one who liked classical and country but would kick like mad at rock. My youngest will fall asleep happily to March of the Varangian Guard which is rock--hard rock-- and for some reason that kid finds it soothing.

Mine range in age from 29 down to 2. There is a huge gap between the first two and the three younger. It is not easy. The noise can be horrific. The undoing of organized places is horrible. But a few locking cabinets help greatly.

I found two easier than one. They bothered each other preferentially.

A routine for hugs and cuddles makes the contact easier. Mine know I am ok to hug mornings after the coffee, but by noon it is best to ASK.

I teach mine to recite, "my mother is not my fault." to help them cope when I am over-done and need space.

I think being terrified is a reasonable reaction. We wanted all of ours and that many is not for anyone who isn't really determined that they want to suffer through because they want kids. Not easy, and I am sure they will have their share of issues. (my 26 yr old got mad at me when she was a teen because I would not ground her-- I don't do punishments that require me to remember that they are being punished-- so I told her "OK, how long do you need? Be sure to tell me when you are done grounding, and remind me in between so I don't schedule anything for you." That really pissed her off and I'm still not sure why.) The five yr old has been walking up and waiting to be noticed since age three, upon being acknowledged he will formally request a hug. Hugs are then exchanged. When he pushes away, he thanks me and goes off to entertain himself-- fascinating!

I guess part of my point is that as he really wants a kid and you are not thrilled at the idea is the question of whether or not he will be wiling to function as a single parent and minimize the impact of a child on your routines if you are willing to do pregnancy and childbirth and pump the milk for the little person. Is he the sort of dependable person who will follow through, no matter how difficult it proves to be, on being the primary parent? If he is, then it might be possible for you to enjoy the infant knowing that the moment you are done, he will instantly take over. You might still need to do more than you want to give him a break when he is unwell or exhausted, but he should be determined to hold up his end no matter how difficult. When there is a disparity of desire, there needs to be division of labor that prevents resentment on the parent who is less interested.

Oh, and menopause has been awesome!

Don't torture yourself with worry about whether or not you should have kids. You've already made up your mind.

Try not to worry about nosey people expecting you to have kids. Just tell them clearly and decisively that you won't have kids.

Don't tell them why you won't have kids because you don't have to justify your decisions.

Edit: Woah, I didn't realise this thread was more than a year old.