cooking for the socially unorthodox: powertool deliciousness

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I call this one "Cereal and Milk".

1. Open the cupboard where the cereal box is supposed to be. If not there, keep searching cupboards at random. If not in cupboards, try alternate locations such as under sink.

2. Place cereal box on counter. If necessary, clear week old newspapers, leftover food, books, and magazines out of the way.

3. Make sure the bunny rabbit or the captain is right side up.

4. Attempt to open the box gently. When this fails, use the largest butcher knife at hand. Violently slash top of box 'till open. Being careful not to cut any fingers or arteries.

5. Once box has been opened, find a bowl. Repeat random search pattern as in step one until found. Wipe leftover crud out of bowl using filthy towel hanging off refrigerator.

6. Pour cereal into bowl, being careful not to overfill.

7. Sweep spilt cereal into pet's food bowl.

8. Go to refrigerator, and locate milk. Sniff to make sure it hasn't curdled too much.

9. Pour aged milk into bowl, being careful to not over pour.

10 Direct pet to lap up spilt milk.

11. Open drawers at random to locate a spoon. When no spoon is found, use hand.

12. Locate box of sugar in random pattern, as previously noted for cereal, spoon and bowl.

13. Liberally add sugar to cereal to taste.

14. Sweep spilt sugar into pet's food bowl.

15. After you're through eating this tasty treat, put bowl on floor for pet to clean up.

16. Wrap top of box with aluminium foil to keep freshness in.

corn chips and a dip make an excellent meal for the lazy cook.

i cooked my first roast this week and i think i'll be doing it a lot more. it's one of the easiest meals, you just buy a chunk of meat, peel potatoes, onion and pumpkin and throw them in a hot oven. about 50 minutes per kilo of meat. it's cheap and the dogs loved it too!

This a favourite at my house:

Put chicken pieces in roaster with lid.

Add sliced onions (not necessary)

Mix together 1 cup ketchup, 1 cup of water, 1/4 cup vinegar OR lemon juice, 1/2 cup brown sugar OR white sugar OR honey, dash of pepper, salt to taste and garlic or Mrs.Dash (optional)

Pour over chicken, cover and bake at 350 F, (or medium on BBQ or gas grill) for 1 hour.

Serve over rice or pasta or potatoes.

The best part of this is that you can use less or more of the ingredients or you can substitute other sweet or sour ingredients. The amounts don't need to be exact.

Here's another one that I haven't
made in a long time, but it's sort
of magically easy (doesn't even require
boiling water):

Pan Cit Noodles (sp?). Fry up some pork
and some sweet Chinese sausage, with
garlic, onions, ginger, and soy. Add carrots to
desired tenderness (should be pretty firm,
in my book). Then, throw the
noodles in a big pot, and add contents of fry-pan.
Lots more soy. Stir until noodles are tender. Throw
some snow peas in. A bit of chopping is required,
but otherwise, it's a fairly fast cook.

Homemade peanut butter:

2 cups peanuts
1/2 tsp salt (none, if peanuts were salted)
1 tbs peanut oil

Puree in blender or food processor for 3-4 minutes.

Get your pasta water all set, this one is a fast one. Anchovy paste (not hard to find) about the amount you would use to brush your teeth, olive oil to cover 2 helpings of pasta and about 4 -7 thinnly sliced gloves of garlic, pressing might work, never tried it. Heat the above with paste till garlic slices are golden, stir it with a fork to keep the garlic from burning and the paste spread, it doesn't take long to do this, it's not a put it on and talk on the phone for a while deal and then pour over pasta. I like the larger pasta sizes for this one, linguine. Also like my pasta el dante for this, your call. Its slang name is whores spaghetti, not sure what the real one is. I didn't make up the name, it's really an Italian dish. I've tried doing it with anchovie fillets but not the same. Very fast to do, very tastie and the anchovie is not strong as one might think, nor the garlic over powering. But yeah, you better like garlic to try this one. Even that isn't bad, it's more like a shrimp scampi, a lot of garlic, but it's nice. This will serve two.

I asked for it one time in an Italian restaurant, it wasn't on the menu. The cook heard the request and was so happy to make it. He was just sort of amazed anybody knew about it. My first wife was Italian, also nuts, bad combo, do not make that at home.

Pasta puttanesca.

Putain is also French for whore, if my memory serves me.

Okay, here's another easy pasta - cook your pasta, drain water, turn heat to low, add an egg (or not), olive oil, garlic salt or fresh chopped garlic, grated parmesan cheese and mix till cheese has melted. Good side dish.

Beefaroni:
Add ground beef and roughly-chopped onion to large skillet, saute till meat is done and onion is at least translucent, add spices of choice (basil, a sprinkle of sugar, garlic salt and crushed red peppers does it for us), about a 1/2 pound of pasta, a large can of some sort of tomato product (sauce, spaghetti sauce, crushed toms) and an equal amount of water, heat to boiling while stirring, turn down to simmer and cover till noodles have soaked up liquid.

i will post my recipe for curry sauce soon.
I am too drunk at the moment, but you can make a couple of litres of this.
It will last a week or so, and you can use it to poach fish and has a base to make vegetable, prawn, chicken, lamb curries etc. ( but i do not eat meat).
It will take 10 mins to make and will save lots of time when making the curries.
You will need to buy a 1 or 2 litre jar to store the sauce in.

Tacos:
Buy: corn tortillas, head of cabbage, limes, salsa, and main ingredient of some sort. Easiest is roasted chicken from the grocery store.
Extras: Green onions, avocado slices, tomatoes, olives, etc.

Use shredder to shred cabbage and store in fridge so you can make this in less than 2 minutes.

Heat two tortillas per taco (over gas burner or in microwave), sprinkle cabbage, some sliced chicken (or shrimp, fish, etc.), squeeze of lime, and anything else that you happen to have around. Personally the fewer ingredients the better - just cabbage, lime juice and meat/fish/.

Speaking of fish, and I may be preaching to the choir, but I discovered the best method for frying fish:
Beer and flour. Mix flour and beer till goopy, dip fish in and fry. Excellent in tacos.