Missed out on so many milestones

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I feel like I missed out on many milestones in my developmental years and it's too late to achieve them now as an adult. I'm not even a late bloomer; I haven't bloomed at all. I hoped that my 20's would be better than my teens but they have been just as bad if not worse.

Things I missed out on:
- Young love. I never dated in my school years and I never went to prom. Most people my age are either dating or married and I'm staying at home all alone.
- Finding my passion. I could never figure out what passion in life was supposed to be. Even though I loved music, I sucked at playing the guitar. I couldn't draw well despite my interest in it. I can't write a story since I'll either get writer's block or I will feel bored with what I am coming up with. Most people my age have become super talented and have something interesting to show to others all the time while I never do.
- Deciding on a career path. I never could decide what I wanted to be when I grew up and if I had an idea, it would've gotten shot down by others. I'm stuck working a dead end part time job at a public library making near poverty level income and I'm still living with my mother who has been a big part of destroying my self-esteem.
- Finding my niche. I never fit in with the social groups at my school. I wasn't redneck, ghetto, geeky, skater, gothic, punk, religious, and preppy and my parents were constantly hounding me with "Don't do this, don't do that!".

I feel like all I have left in this life is just to stay depressed until I finally exit. It feels like if you've missed out on certain things, you'll never get second chances since they are required for adulthood.

Well, if you're still in your 20's, you can't say you're a "not bloomer". People can bloom pretty late. There's hope if you choose to have it.

Being lonely sucks. I can only imagine never gotten to have experienced it. I know both of my brothers never got to experience anything with a woman until their mid 20s. The older of the two has been married for years now. Dont give up. Not saying dont be sad. Just dont give up.

Maybe you should try another instrument. Try playing drums. Maybe you have better rhythm. You can only draw well if you keep at it. Don't waste time saying "i suck". Seriously. It may seem like you're too old for that, but you're not. I only wish I had been more dedicated to things I thought of in my 20s, but felt it was too late for. If I'd tried learning an instrument at 29, I'd be playing for 8 years and probably be at least decent. Dont limit yourself.

I still have the career problem. It sounds cliche, but you really can do MOST things you want to if you want to work for it and not be afraid. Sometimes, with a career choice, I think it's less "what do I want to do" and mroe, "what can I do comfortably". Pick something you dont hate. Thats all it needs to be. Dream job is a fallacy mostly.

Screw boxes. Dont yearn for a category. Be a little bit of all you like without conforming to any preset expectations.

Mary Haines developed a passion for running--she didn't get started until she was 68!

http://articles.courant.com/2012-11-18/ ... rj-sasiela

It's just hard to feel hopeful when you keep running into dead ends. I'm also turning 30 in three years so I feel like my time is running out in regards to many things.

I don't want to give up but it feels like I'll have to mutate into some raging as*hole who drinks until he's smashed, smoke until his lungs burn, claims to be a Christian but doesn't practice what he preaches, and hates all the hobbies I like if I want a girlfriend since, atleast in my area, it seems those are the kind of guys who get all the girls. I live in a really f****d up culture that praises being rude and shuns good manners.

My finances aren't so good so I can't really afford to buy another instrument.

You can not make up what you lost that others have achieved but you can still achieve what others will never achieve.

As far as finding a career you are working in a public library. That gives you access to many how to find a career resources. You can take tests that will try and predict what jobs will suit you. If you find one that seems interesting persue it. DO NOT LET OTHERS SHOOT YOU DOWN. DO NOT LET OTHERS DECIDE WHAT YOUR MILESTONES ARE. If you want to hit adult milestones you have to think and act like the adult you are and that means making your own decisions.

I once spoke to a very well liked, well respected professor who seems to be the textbook definition of happiness. He is also well liked in the community and is an all around great person. Out of he blue, he told me that he didn't really hit full stride until he hit 40.

I have to assume the same will hold true for me. I would never imagined I would see the day where I was the married one with a stable home and soon to be stable career and everyone else is getting divorced or otherwise strugging but that's what is happening now. I might have missed out on my 20s but a lot of people will miss out on their 40s at this rate!

The problem is you are standing at the crossroad and now it will take you to make a decision. This is the hard one and you know if you don't do it everything will just continue as it is. Nothing will magically drop from the sky to fix what is missing in your life. Only you know what it is, only you can fix it. You don't want another 5 years going by and end up right back here at this same place. We think it should just happen; life has been hard enough; where is the break? You know what you are too afraid to change; what you won't try or won't work to change. How you got here doesn't matter anymore; the whys have no meaning. Identify your things to change one at time. Whatever is the biggest issue make a plan to fix it. If it is move out; be brave move out. You have to find courage and it will fix you. I promise.

One of the things I've learned from studying dating profiles is that in the real world, folks have to start over all the time these days! The idealized life you wish you had is actually quite rare--lots of folks get divorced and have to start over. Or their profession disappears and they have to find a new one.

Romy and Michelle's Highschool Reunion. The Breakfast Club. Muriel's Wedding. Carrie. These are just a few movies that illustrate the fact that a sufficiently large number of people have a horrible time in high school, and a number of people don't go to the prom. I didn't go to a prom. None of my friends, who are NT, went to a prom. My NT sister did go to a prom but ended up calling my mom crying to come pick her up because he date ditched her to go off with his friends, or something like that. My point is, a disappointing high school experience is actually fairly common so you shouldn't dwell on it.



Maybe most people your age you know are super talented or successful, but most people your age are not super talented or successful. Most people, regardless of age, don't actually have a strong passion or know what they want to do in life, and most won't become Mark Zuckerberg, or Steve Jobs, or some Youtube star. It's just these people we tend to measure ourselves by because they are the most visible. But they are poor standards for us to measure ourselves by because they are extreme exceptions.



If you have an idea and you think it's a good idea, then chances are, there is someone else out there who also thinks it's a good idea. Most of my good ideas that other people shot down, and that I didn't pursue as a result, were eventually thought of by others who have made millions or billions of dollars off of them. You should not worry about family, friends, or acquaintances not seeing the value in, or being on board with your ideas. If i had known now what I knew then, I wouldn't have even bothered sharing my ideas with those groups of people. I would have gone straight to an angel investor or venture capital firm to get funding for my ideas to make them realities. People who are successful at turning ideas into realities tend to have a few common traits. 1. They get excited about their ideas. 2. They are passionate about getting other people excited about their ideas. 3. They think their ideas are so great that they don't need the approval of others to validate their ideas. in fact, one thing that venture capital firms look for when deciding whether or not to fund ideas is, how excited and passionate about this is the person looking for funding? If investors see you are passionate and have confidence in your own ideas, they tend to feel a lot more confident in funding them.



Is the fact that you live at home destroying your self esteem, or is your mother abusive in some way? If she's abusive in some way, then make moving out a priority, and if that's an impossibility, then try to avoid her.



It is upsetting to miss out on things you were looking forward to in life. It's true that some of these things only have meaning when done at certain points in life. However, coming from a similar background as you, and being older than you, I can tell you, there were things I wish I had done in my 20's and early 30's, that I didn't think much about at the time, because I was too focused on what I didn't do in my teens, and so missed out on because of it.

If I could live my 20's and early 30's again, here is what I would have done.
1. Stop thinking I had already missed out on too many things. I thought I was more behind in life in my 20's than I actually was.

2. Go to more social events with people my age. I know you wanted to go to a prom. Well in your 20's, you can go to a ballroom dance, and trust me, more girls take ballroom dance classes than guys, so if you are a guy and you join a ballroom dance class, you will be in high demand among the girls there, even if you are socially delayed.

3. Get out of the house more and do more activities.

4. Ask more people out, even if I think they will reject me.

Wow, the guy who did that to your sister sounds like an as*hole. People like that make my blood boil because they take their social skills for granted.

Now that I think about it, it may not be so much I didn't go to prom that gets me down but more the fact I didn't date in high school. Prom was just another reminder I was going home single while most of my classmates had a special partner.



I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I guess it's because the depression makes me see the world through a very extreme way. I tend to see those who've "won" and those who've "lost", never anyone trying to figure things out.

The culture I grew up in (Central Texas Bible Belt) praises herd conformity and shuns-even threatens-individual thought. It's probably the most mentally unstable culture on the entire planet. I've detoxed the religious societal brainwashing from my system but there hasn't been a cure for my low self-esteem discovered yet.



It's more the former since it's seen as a red flag when it comes to looking for a girlfriend. I'm already too shy to make an approach and my living situation as well as my part time job do not help at all.



1. How were you able to break that train of thought?

2. Most of the social life in my area caters to older people as well as drunks. Even if I went to a ballroom, there would be no girls my age.

3. I've tried to do more things but I keep getting dead ends.

4. As I mentioned earlier, I'm too shy to ask girls out.



Pretty much describes what I feel.

I can't bare to wait until 40, though. It would feel like I wouldn't have much life left.

Missed milestones - does it count that I already feel like it's all too late? That you should have done all of XYZ in your twenties, not your thirties, so too late now? It's. demoralising thing, that "too late."

I an certainly understand that. If God came down and told me I would have to wait until 32 to meet my match (and go through about 30 different dates plus a psycho ex would still stalks me) I would say the same thing too.


It's a cliché but you just have to do it. It's not easy but by trying (and probably failing) you will see that it's not the end of the world and that you gained valuable experience. I can only assume I was meant to go through some life trials in order to meet my wife.

My anxiety and fear keeps winning out. I had hoped my mind would finally push me to break through all of that but it refuses to do so. I just see the years repeat themselves and I fear it will continue to be that way until I exit.

She was upset at the time but that's teenaged life. She dated a few more guys after him and eventually met her husband.

I understand though that you wish you had a more typical high school experience.



Is this the same Texas bible belt area that decided to build a $65 million high school football stadium? I don't know that that is a culture I would care to conform to. As far as low self esteem goes, you might feel badly about yourself, but no one knows it unless you communicate that to them. For all anyone knows, you could be the most self secure person in the world. It's not like humans have any physical traits that determine a person's social rank.



Personally, if I liked a guy, I would not write him off just for living at home. I think it's good for people to live on their own for a while, just to get a sense of what is involved in keeping a house, and the responsibilities that come along with that, but people live at home for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's a matter of culture, sometimes the parents allow their adult children to live at home so they can save their money to buy a house when they marry.



There are two steps to breaking a bad train of thought.
1. Stop thinking.
2. Start doing.

You stop thinking about what it is that's upsetting you, and you start doing the things you need to do to get you to where you want to be in life.

I also come from a town that didn't have much going on for young people. The fact of the matter is, sometimes you just have to move to a better area. In my case, I moved when I went away to university.



Do you hit these dead ends for the same reason or different reasons?



At this point in your social development, I wouldn't focus on asking girls out. I would focus on just becoming comfortable with talking to people, both males and females, developing your social skills, and overcoming your social anxiety.

I missed out on the psychosocial moratorium because of that. It feels like there's a cut off in social development if you miss it.



I abhor handegg so I don't know if it's true but I wouldn't doubt it due to this culture's obsession with the sport. I have told others my self-esteem is low and they tend to say things like "Quit making yourself sad!" like it's a choice.



I've tried different things and hoped they would turn out differently but I keep getting zilch. It reinforces how I feel like there is a cut off age in social development.



It's hard for me to not think about not having a girlfriend. It's one of the core reasons I am depressed and it gets reinforced whenever I see couples nearly everywhere I go. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me and why can't I have the same? It also feels like due to missing out on the psychosocial moratorium, my social skills can't develop anymore.