I know this is something that maybe doesn't fit on a section dedicated to people trying to start dating, but I figure it's a relatable feeling nonetheless.
Now let me preface that I have nothing against romantic love. I very much admire couples who are in healthy, stable relationships that are loving and nurturing. Maybe somewhere down the road I might click with somebody in that way and maybe be in a committed relationship. That, however, is not something I necessarily want right now in my life and I may never want it. That being said, there are bad habits that just won't die.
I have felt romantic attraction towards other people in the past and, as a consequence, have had this ominous yearning to pursue some sort of romance again. I don't particularly want that as I know these feelings have nothing to do with actual romantic love but is, in actual fact, simply shallow infatuation/in love with being in love. I find the whole notion to be very antithetical to my values as I strongly value my independence and have no patience or desire to be in a committed relationship (particularly at this stage in my life).
I feel like when I have these feelings of yearning and jealousy towards happy couples it is less to do with wanting to be in love and more to do with wanting emotional intimacy in general. My interpersonal relationships have suffered greatly since I left uni as I have had little time to invest in them. That and there has been a considerable shift in the friendship dynamic with friends either moving or drifting apart in general. These people, of whom I relied on for moral support and to be dorks with, have moved on and I have to rebuild those bonds again or find new ones. I have lost the intimacy, trust and love from my platonic relationships and a part of me is tempted by fanciful notions of intense romantic desire as a perverse substitute.
It's silly but also very worrying. I think it's my brain wanting a massive dopamine boost more than anything. It's the emotional equivalent of taking a shot of heroin (no, seriously, it is - look it up).To think that I would even contemplate accomplishing this through some farcical relationship is rather shameful.
I don't want to torment myself like this. It's bad enough when you do love somebody because those feelings can be complicated and painful even if the feeling is mutual. I don't want to indulge in such a fantasy because it is ultimately destructive and leads me away from the things that actually matter in my life.
What I am essentially saying is that I don't want to feel this way. If I fall in love, I want it to happen because I met somebody I genuinely cared about, not because I'm desperate to find somebody to validate me. Is this a common feeling for a lot of people and if so how does one rectify it?
22 Jul 2016, 9:25 pm
