Help me...?

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Hi guys, just a quick note because I should be in bed, I have work tomorrow.

I posted on reddit/depression asking for some support (or just acknowledgement, really, you know how it is when you're lonely) and haven't had any replies. I feel like I might have more luck here.

Anyway I have HFA and depression with the occasional psychotic episode. I have no friends, and I don't talk about my 'issues' with anyone. I've been really stressed out recently because I've been trying to get into a relationship with a guy from work. He's really nice, he knows about my autism, and he wants to try and take it as slow as I need. I went out for a drink with him (my first date ever, which I did not share ), we've been texting/ getting to know each other etc.

So my question is - why does this make me so utterly miserable? Do you ever feel like the things that should make you happy just make you even sadder? This confirms my belief that I am 'broken'; things don't work for me the way they work for other people. I have met a person who really likes me, enough to put up with my HFA awkwardness and confusion etc., and ever since I have felt nothing but a physical feeling of dread/guilt. My chest is tight, heavy and hollow, my surroundings seem separate from me. My brain just keeps telling me 'I'm not a real person', and I had a visual hallucination that the trees in my street were all flat, 2d images, like they were all folding in on me. Finally, I am just desperately sad; I was at kickboxing this morning and 15 minutes in I just broke down into uncontrollable weeping; it was horrible.

Does anybody else feel like this? I think I'm guilty above all, guilty that this relationship won't work out, and it will be down to the way my brain (mal)functions.

There is nothing more upsetting than having a wish come true, when you feel unworthy of the wish or incapable of taking advantage of it. So you have every reason to freak out.

But you don't have to keep freaking out. I strongly suggest that you "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." From the song "Take It Easy" by the Eagles, long before you were born. I have been repeating that to myself since the 1970s.

Sorry if it is trite, but when you feel awful, it WILL pass. To make it pass more quickly, I highly suggest getting out of your own head by watching stand-up comedy on youtube or reading a riveting book. What genres do you prefer?

As to the boy, what is the worst that can happen? You might even make a game of asking yourself and him that. Kind of like implosion therapy, but much funnier if either of you has a sense of humor.

Also, if the relationship is doomed from the start, doesn't that give you lots of freedom to just try stuff out, however outrageous? I mean, if you really believe you can't have a relationship, then you don't have to worry about whether you'll screw up. You can't make things worse. So enjoy your time together while it lasts!

I hope this makes some sense to you; I get a bit incoherent when it's past my bedtime.

Thank you I just needed to vent, so thanks for making me feel heard!

I've been watching some stand up as you suggested, but I'm steering clear of my preferred genres of literature since they tend to be pretty depressing! Actually, I do indulge the depression with depressing books/music/tv, even though I know I shouldn't; the past week or so I've been reading Eliot's Burnt Norton and the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, watching Bojack Horseman (surprisingly dark for a cartoon), and listening to Swan Lake on repeat... So I'll take your advice and get out of my own head!

And what you said about 'what's the worst that can happen - I hadn't thought of it that way at all! That's actually a really nice perspective, and one I wouldn't have come up with myself while I'm feeling this down. I'm still concerned about hurting him if/when the relationship fails, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. At least I have explained to him in advance that I have my fair share of issues, so if I do hurt him (and I don't want to) it won't be coming completely out of the blue.

Thanks again

Sounds like your mind is stuck in the past and the future rather than in the moment. You think about how its your first date, that you haven't had any relationships before like "normal" people. You think about everything you struggled with prior, autism, depression, psychosis. You also focus on what might be in the future, and any possible failures rather than just living in the moment and letting your life play out instead of sabotaging it by letting your depression act as a fortune teller for how this will turn out.

---<I>Do you ever feel like the things that should make you happy just make you even sadder?</i>

Yea I find often that my emotions do not match the circumstance. It sucks because you know you should feel good but all you have are negative emotions so the effort, and time spent feels completely wasted. It feels almost like you're cheated out of living a goof life.

I am dealing with depression as well and I'm using a book that my therapist introduced me to a few years ago called "Mind Over Mood". It helps you figure out the thoughts you have that lead you to feel the way you do and then you analyze the thoughts to see if they are rational and then consciously replace them if they aren't. It's kind of a way of reprogramming your mind to relieve the depression. It's full of workbook exercises so you actively use the strategies as you go along.

You can get a used copy of "Mind Over Mood" on Amazon for about $5. I think it might really help you.