Break-up advice

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The forum has been weird for me today so I might have to post details for this thread as replies?

Basically I want to end a relationship with a boy, but for starters I don't know whether it's a break-up or a turn-down. I don't consider us to be formally dating but it's possible he does. We haven't kissed or held hands, we've been on 2 dates with a 3rd tonight ( ), but he says he's 'committed to making this work' and his friend asked me how we were doing, which makes it sound like he thinks we're already in a relationship

He's a really nice guy and has made accommodations for my HFA, but it's just not enough. I can't connect and I do not want to be in a relationship with him. Should I be honestish and explain that my mind is not compatible with dating? My concern is not making him too upset; I don't fully understand how he feels towards me (I certainly don't feel as into him as he is into me), so it will be hard to do this with emotional sensitivity.

Any advice appreciated

He really needs to learn in no uncertain terms he can't make anything work with you against your will.

Rejecting him is going to hurt his feelings - no way around that. Just be honest.

That's what I thought but then maybe I thought it was just me . I know I don't owe him anything just because he's been good to me. At the same time I thought maybe I'd given him the impression we were dating inadvertently (I do tend to miss cues and signals etc. in romantic situations)...

I believe you should be honest-ish and explain that your mind is not compatible with dating. If he really cares for you he would understand your situation and let you go. But if he's someone who thinks he knows you better than you, he would try to convince you to try harder to make the relationship work.

I'm for the honesty stuff.

Say you gave it a try but dating or even half-dating (what ever it is) isn't working out for you.

Break up with him the way you like others to break up with you.

But I don't know how I would want others to break up with me . That whole emotional area is missing for me, if he broke up with me I wouldn't care, and I'm working on the assumption he will care, so I can't look to myself for answers.

If you think he's a nice person, tell him that. Pour on the compliments if they are deserved.

But he has to know that you don't feel romantic towards him. Otherwise, it won't be good (for you as well as for him).

I know it would be great if you could find somebody to cohabitate with and be friends with without sex.

It sure would. I love my alone time but I don't want to be totally lonely forever.

Well if you had to choose between two scenarios:
1. A boyfriend, whom you like very much, is not interested anymore and makes up some lame excuse to break up with you.

Or

2. A boyfriend, whom you like very much, tells you straight out that he isn't that into you. Not in a romantic way that is.

Which approach would help you best to understand what this "boyfriend" wants from you and would help you get closure and move on?

All in all, if a girl wanted to break up with me, I'd prefer the blunt approach.

I would have a tendency--and I've done this before--to try to see "openings" if a girl broke up with me in a more subtle manner.

I am one who is hopeful, unless bluntly informed that there is no hope.

When I was 21, this girl gave me the "subtle" breakup. As a result, I felt like there was still hope--to the point where I obsessed over this girl for two years! I thought that if I was "persistent," that I would win out, and get this girl of my dreams! It was a pipe dream, obviously!

I know it's an annoying answer but neither stands out, is there a right answer? I can't put myself in the position of the first bit, having a 'boyfriend, whom I like very much'. I think [hope] I will feel this way about a person someday, but so far it seems a very alien concept. Most people who try to get close to me I tend to push away



Oh gosh, this just makes me feel so guilty. In a way I think I was kind of hoping my HFA disclosure would be a subtle turn-down, which was cowardly I know, but I hoped it might be enough to say 'this isn't going to go anywhere' . I will be clear, and I will try to strike a balance between assuring him that I like him and he hasn't done anything wrong, but also letting him know that I won't change my mind. I never wanted to hurt anybody, but I couldn't really experiment romantically without dragging a second party into it .

Please don't feel guilty. I know you want to be nice--and I like that about you.

But you still have to let him know that you don't have romantic feelings for him.

Unfortunately, it will probably hurt him--but using the "subtle" approach will hurt him as well.

Like you said, it's probably better to have a balanced approach to this.

I don't recall: does he know you have autism?

I do still have to let him know. I'm away for a few days so we haven't spoken/text and that's given me some breathing room to think about things and get advice from WP. I think from what you said, the subtle approach would hurt him more in a way, and certainly waste his time/emotions, which I do not want to do.

Yes, he does know I have autism. I told him after our first date, because he indicated he wanted things to go further and I wasn't convinced I could do that. So, I said I am HFA and that I find it hard to connect to people and process emotions (i.e. dating might not be for me). He said he was glad I had told him, and that above all he wants me to be comfortable in our relationship. He has expressed an interest in learning more about how my brain works, but I find it hard to put into words, especially on the spot! Like I said, he's really nice, which makes it all the more difficult .

Do you actually feel that you want to be friends with him? Could you conceive of being in a "relationship," but without any sort of sexual activity? Can he conceive of such a relationship?

If he can conceive of such a relationship with you, then maybe this might work out, after all.

You can be close friends.

If he can accept you being "Platonic" friends, would you "break up" with him?

I'm going to be honest with you:

If I'm going to have a "relationship" with somebody, I would want romance, too.

But there are people who would accept such a Platonic arrangement. It has happened in history.