Girlfriend is being very distant

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Lonehiker
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21 Oct 2016, 9:10 am

I've been seeing this girl for a few months whom I strongly suspect has aspergers too. We have loads in common and it's going great so far. A short while back she said she's had some problems to deal with, but has since sorted it all out. However, now she's started saying that she's 'busy' and can't see me. In addition she's stopped texting me and only giving one sentence replies to mine. I've given her loads of space but she's still not coming around. I know she has mental health issues such as social anxiety and depression but I cannot determine if they are the reason behind this behaviour.

I am at a lost and don't know what to do. I really just want to ask her what her problem is, but without coming across as mean lol. Has she simply lost interest in me?



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21 Oct 2016, 1:55 pm

Talk to her. Tell her you worry, both about her and about this. Worst case scenario, your fears are justified. Best case, she didn't realize how her behaviour made you feel. If you go by text, maybe have someone you trust proof read, just to be sure.


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jrjones9933
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21 Oct 2016, 2:17 pm

Probably ask once, as above more or less, and then give her more space. idk, I haven't reestablished any relationships that reached that point without some kind of a long break, so my advice is only the best I could come up with to do myself. It didn't happen to work for me, except in that I'm pretty friendly with most of my exes, so there's probably better advice to be had, and certainly worse. lol


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Lonehiker
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21 Oct 2016, 2:20 pm

Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh



SKONG
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21 Oct 2016, 3:44 pm

Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh


You need to be very blunt the next time you see her and even confrontational. Tell her to stop being so spineless and tell her how she really feels. Explain to her that you're not fooled by her platitudes and she needs to spit it out. But be ready for anything...including rejection.



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21 Oct 2016, 3:51 pm

SKONG wrote:
Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh


You need to be very blunt the next time you see her and even confrontational. Tell her to stop being so spineless and tell her how she really feels. Explain to her that you're not fooled by her platitudes and she needs to spit it out. But be ready for anything...including rejection.
If the OP gives her that kind of attitude she might get mad & end things even if she wasn't planning on it.


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jrjones9933
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21 Oct 2016, 3:56 pm

Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh

Your friends know more than I do. I appreciate your need for a straight answer, but consider how much it might hurt her to have to give it and weigh the two. :(


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Lonehiker
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21 Oct 2016, 5:08 pm

Ok so she contacted me on skype and we ended up talking for about an hour. She basically said that she can't handle things in life at the moment and feels bad about it, that she s not cut out for it all. I asked her about us and she is not sure, doesn't know how she feels.

So right now I'm not really sure what to think. I'm just going to give her plenty of space and see what happens. At least she didn't flat out breakup with me.



Lonehiker
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21 Oct 2016, 5:14 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:
Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh

Your friends know more than I do. I appreciate your need for a straight answer, but consider how much it might hurt her to have to give it and weigh the two. :(


I almost went with the blunt approach but luckily she contacted me and I eased in for an answer at the end. I feel ok about how it went and don't think I hurt her.



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21 Oct 2016, 5:51 pm

Well done. Take care of yourself.


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21 Oct 2016, 6:24 pm

Best thing you can do right now is show her your a strong and secure person, women love stability and security, focus on your own life and economic and educational needs, don't try and make her notice, she will notice on her own, just do it. in this way you wont be pushing her away or seeming insecure or needy without meaning too, while at the same time becoming more attractive to her and her needs.


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23 Oct 2016, 6:43 am

Yeah...in my experience, this fairly typically signals the end of a relationship. She was trying to fade you, except she's not very good at it. I would tell her that I understand and that I wish her the best and hasta la bye-bye. Time to find someone else.



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24 Oct 2016, 10:40 am

Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh


Before I give my opinion I want to know. Did you guys actually make the relationship official or were you still in the "seeing each other" phase?


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24 Oct 2016, 5:49 pm

Lonehiker wrote:
I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh


Many women rarely give you a straight answer, unless you back them into a corner, or really tick them off.

It sounds like she lost interest to me, but considering that she has mental issues, it could be something else (such as depression, etc)...but most likely not.



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24 Oct 2016, 7:13 pm

Lonehiker wrote:
Ok so she contacted me on skype and we ended up talking for about an hour. She basically said that she can't handle things in life at the moment and feels bad about it, that she s not cut out for it all. I asked her about us and she is not sure, doesn't know how she feels.

So right now I'm not really sure what to think. I'm just going to give her plenty of space and see what happens. At least she didn't flat out breakup with me.


I can be like this with my fiancee and it is almost always something unrelater to our relationship that bothers me.

Just remind her that you are there to support her and that your relationship isnt another problem that needs fixing.

Maybe offer to just listen to everything she is worried about to let her just vent.

She sounds like she feels like she can't tell people her problems in case it causes trouble for them. If thats the case just remind her that you want to know all her troubles to lessen the burden



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25 Oct 2016, 1:15 pm

AlexaSaturn wrote:
Lonehiker wrote:
Apparently she's busy again and just told me to have a great weekend (by text). I've asked a couple of friends, and they say I'm getting the cold shoulder and should not ask her about our relationship as it would be too needy. What she's put is her way of saying she dosent want to be together, as to not hurt my feelings.

I want to leave her alone and not be a nusance, but at the same time I just want a straight answer arghhh


Before I give my opinion I want to know. Did you guys actually make the relationship official or were you still in the "seeing each other" phase?


We are official and she was the one who asked a few months back to be exclusive.