Being held to a higher standard than my NT friends/siblings

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Aspie1
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30 Oct 2016, 10:59 pm

When I was growing up, I clearly remember my family---and to a somewhat lesser extent, my teachers and my friends' parents---holding me to a higher standard than they held my NT friends, siblings, cousins, or peers. Instead of rambling in long paragraphs, I'll illustrate this with a list of examples.

Unpleasant behavior directed at a person
NT kids: When other kids did something unpleasant (but not bullying) toward me, like try to make me envious by bragging about their pet dog or cat, nobody corrected them, neither my parents not theirs. Also, when other kids lied to me about something, they were never called out on it by any adult.
Me: During the rare occasaions when I had something other kids could be envious of, like a computer game, and bragged about it, it was vastly different. My parents got on my case about what a bad person I was for trying to make someone feel envy, and that I was a "smart boy who should know better". Also, when other kids lied to me about something, I was blamed for believing the lies.
(I "solved" this problem by actively lowering my own self-esteem.)

Whining and wishes
NT kids: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, their whining often went uncorrected. At times, they even got the item they were whining for. For example, when my friend was screaming because a bee came near him, my family shooed it away.
Me: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, they jumped on me like vultures whenever I did anything resembling whining. For example, when I screamed when a bee came near me, my parents yelled at me: "Don't scream like that; you're a big boy!".
(I never figured out how to solve this problem.)

Sharing
NT kids: When an NT kid on the playground reached for my toy without asking me and I protested, I was told to learn to share and let him borrow my toy. At the same time, I was required to ask for direct permission before reaching for someone else's toy.
Me: When I reached for someone else's toy, and the kid pushed me out of the way, I was told to respect his wishes not to share. At the same time, I was required to let other kids borrow my toys without question "because you're a nice boy". I had to fight (read: scream) to get the toy back.
(I ended up solving that problem by never bringing anything to the playground, and playing only with found objects, like sticks and pine cones.)

Believing verbal statements
NT kids: When my friends or classmates would tell my parents something, like what homework was assigned or where a specific entertainment venue was, my parents would almost always believe them.
Me: When I would tell my parents something, like what homework was assigned or where a specific entertainment venue was, my parents wouldn't believe me. They'd make me justify my statements extensively, like where I heard it, who I heard it from, and what made me believe it was true.
(I never figured out how to solve this problem.)

There are more, but these examples should suffice. Now my question is: WHY? WHY!! ! Why was I arbitrarily---or maybe not so arbitrarily---held to a higher standard of behavior than my NT counterparts? What was so different about me? Was it because I was smarter? (And even then, strictly book smarter and not emotionally smarter.) Was it because I was acting like a little professor? Was it just my kindness getting exploited? Some other reason?

Please share your thoughts.



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31 Oct 2016, 3:45 am

I don't think it is really possible for people who didn't witness any of these situations to tell why you were held to higher standards than others.

It could be because your parents knew you were different to other children and were embarrassed of your peculiarities. They might have gotten too used to correcting you and might have tried to make you 'normal'.
Or it might have been, like you suggested, because you were more intellectually intelligent than other children and they thus thought the rest of your behaviour could be as mature as your intellectual abilities.

Here are some additional reasons I could think of for the specific situations you listed. Though most of them can only be reasons why your parents were more lenient with other children and not why anyone else was (but in each of the examples you listed it was your parents thus I'd not have the slightest idea of what ways other's treated you differently).

Aspie1 wrote:
Unpleasant behavior directed at a person
NT kids: When other kids did something unpleasant (but not bullying) toward me, like try to make me envious by bragging about their pet dog or cat, nobody corrected them, neither my parents not theirs. Also, when other kids lied to me about something, they were never called out on it by any adult.
Me: During the rare occasaions when I had something other kids could be envious of, like a computer game, and bragged about it, it was vastly different. My parents got on my case about what a bad person I was for trying to make someone feel envy, and that I was a "smart boy who should know better". Also, when other kids lied to me about something, I was blamed for believing the lies.
(I "solved" this problem by actively lowering my own self-esteem.)

Most parents are more prone to correct their own children's behaviour than a stranger's children's behaviour but not all parents mind the same kind of behaviour. Your parents might have been more strict about this kind of behaviour or probably about a lot of other kinds of behaviour as well (and likely unreasonably strict in some cases) than a lot of other parents.
Though, unless your siblings are a lot younger, they specifically were more strict towards you if they were more lenient with your siblings than with you.
It'd also be possible that you did the bragging in a slightly different way than other children or that your siblings were more cautious to not let your parents hear their bragging (if the whole thing pertains to siblings as well and not just to other people's children).

Aspie1 wrote:
Whining and wishes
NT kids: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, their whining often went uncorrected. At times, they even got the item they were whining for. For example, when my friend was screaming because a bee came near him, my family shooed it away.
Me: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, they jumped on me like vultures whenever I did anything resembling whining. For example, when I screamed when a bee came near me, my parents yelled at me: "Don't scream like that; you're a big boy!".
(I never figured out how to solve this problem.)

There are a lot of things parent's would tell their own child to do/stop but not anyone else's because they don't feel responsible for that child's behaviour and they might get into an argument with the child's parents if they disagree on how children should behave and they'd usually not feel embarrassed for someone else's child's misbehaviour.
Yelling at a child for being afraid of bees is quite unreasonable either way though.

Aspie1 wrote:
Sharing
NT kids: When an NT kid on the playground reached for my toy without asking me and I protested, I was told to learn to share and let him borrow my toy. At the same time, I was required to ask for direct permission before reaching for someone else's toy.
Me: When I reached for someone else's toy, and the kid pushed me out of the way, I was told to respect his wishes not to share. At the same time, I was required to let other kids borrow my toys without question "because you're a nice boy". I had to fight (read: scream) to get the toy back.
(I ended up solving that problem by never bringing anything to the playground, and playing only with found objects, like sticks and pine cones.)

If this is still true if the NT kid was a sibling of yours and not a lot younger the only reason for this is them being unfair towards you. If it were stranger's children your parents still were strict and quite possibly harmfully strict, however then the reason why they were more strict towards you is because you're their child and the other child isn't. The reason why the other child wasn't required to let other's borrow their toys is that their parents didn't care.

Aspie1 wrote:
Believing verbal statements
NT kids: When my friends or classmates would tell my parents something, like what homework was assigned or where a specific entertainment venue was, my parents would almost always believe them.
Me: When I would tell my parents something, like what homework was assigned or where a specific entertainment venue was, my parents wouldn't believe me. They'd make me justify my statements extensively, like where I heard it, who I heard it from, and what made me believe it was true.
(I never figured out how to solve this problem.)

Maybe they didn't trust your judgement and thought you were constantly getting things wrong. Unless you actually tended to get such things wrong more often than others they must have had an unfair bias towards thinking this of you. (due to you being 'different' because of your autism)
Or maybe it was, again, because you are their child and the others weren't. Your parents probably couldn't care less whether your friends did the right homework but they did care whether you did (this only counts if you and your friends didn't have the same homework and your parents didn't base what homework you had to do on what your friends said). Still their behaviour seems unreasonably distrusting unless there were actually things you tended to not remember.



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31 Oct 2016, 6:31 am

Those are good explanations. Most of them had one common theme: "You are their child and the others weren't." And I think my parents really did set higher standards for me than other parents set for their kids, even at the same age. The explanation my parents gave me was: "Because we care about you." Which did only one thing: make me jealous of kids whose parents don't care about them. I've met a handful of such kids, some of whom were even nice to me, and their lives seemed happier than mine.

Oh, and I know someone will mention talking to a therapist about this. I'm way ahead of you: I tried that at age 12. Only my therapist was no help at all! She just looked at me and said: "You felt like your parents were singling you out. You felt discriminated against." And that's it. No advice, no suggestions on asserting myself, nothing. So I just assumed she was telling me to shut up and deal with it, and never talked about it again. After all, she also knew how intelligent I was.

In the end, it seems like the "higher standards" backfired: even being in my 30's, I refuse to ever start a family.



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01 Nov 2016, 4:12 pm

I know how you feel OP. It's called double standards. I can think of examples too, which aren't even in childhood.

I am reading a book and an NT wants to read the same book. The NT soon snatches the book away whilst I'm still reading, without asking. As an Aspie, I will be in the wrong because I would be told that I was hogging the book and not letting anyone read it.
An NT is reading a book and I want to read the same book. After a while I snatch the book away while the NT is still reading. As an Aspie I am in the wrong because I would be told that I should have waited til they have finished, or read something else, no matter how long they were taking.

An NT is having a bad day and was rude to me (by ignoring me) when I asked if she's ok. I got a bit offended by the reaction, but as an Aspie I am in the wrong because I would be told that the NT was only rude because she was having a bad day.
I am having a bad day and when asked if I'm ok by an NT, I ignored her, which offended her. But as an Aspie I am in the wrong because I would be told that the NT was only concerned and that it doesn't take much to be polite no matter how big my stresses are.

An NT has spilled a drink and is upset because it's made a mess all over the table, and yells "ohh my drink has spilt everywhere!" and I decide to cheer her up by making a joke "even in France?" As an Aspie I am in the wrong because I shouldn't have made a joke when someone is frustrated, as it's the wrong time.
I have spilled a drink and I'm upset because it has made a mess on the table. When I get frustrated and yell "ohh my drink has spilled everywhere!", the NT decides to joke and say "even in France?" I get annoyed because I'm not in the mood for a silly joke, but as an Aspie I am in the wrong because the NT was only trying to cheer me up.

Sigh. Sucks being an Aspie.


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01 Nov 2016, 4:18 pm

Yes this happened to me too and it always pissed me off. I think it was because I was in special ed and rules are more enforced on special ed kids but they don't enforce them in the "normal" kids. Only time my mom held me to a higher standard was when it involved a younger child so I was expected to act better than them. But she has always treated my brothers and me the same because she didn't want me to feel broken and that I had something wrong with me. But that happened anyway because of school and my mom can't control how others treat me and even putting me on medicine proved to me I had something wrong with me so she could never convince me I was "normal." It also affected my self esteem too. But of course I would never tell her that because I am afraid it will get her upset like it has before about other things and then she will throw it back at me by either blaming me or getting defensive and then her cussing at me.


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01 Nov 2016, 4:22 pm

From my perspective it seems like everyone is pushing everyone a little bit all of the time. "Testing people" is what it is often called. Non-Aspies work out how to get away with doing things you "aren't supposed to do". They test boundaries and do things in sneaky ways or in some way shape or form make it ok to have double standards.

I'd look at it this way: They majority of people are trying to force double standards in their favour all of the time. They are constantly looking for loopholes to exploit. If you aren't doing this then there is every chance that when you do something you "aren't supposed to do" you will get singled out for it. The only way to get around this is to learn to read non-verbal communication and learn to manipulate. For the record I advise not bothering. I just tell people straight up they're wrong when they do wrong and then argue with them until they realise they can't push me around and then give up.



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01 Nov 2016, 4:28 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Those are good explanations. Most of them had one common theme: "You are their child and the others weren't." And I think my parents really did set higher standards for me than other parents set for their kids, even at the same age. The explanation my parents gave me was: "Because we care about you." Which did only one thing: make me jealous of kids whose parents don't care about them. I've met a handful of such kids, some of whom were even nice to me, and their lives seemed happier than mine.

Oh, and I know someone will mention talking to a therapist about this. I'm way ahead of you: I tried that at age 12. Only my therapist was no help at all! She just looked at me and said: "You felt like your parents were singling you out. You felt discriminated against." And that's it. No advice, no suggestions on asserting myself, nothing. So I just assumed she was telling me to shut up and deal with it, and never talked about it again. After all, she also knew how intelligent I was.

In the end, it seems like the "higher standards" backfired: even being in my 30's, I refuse to ever start a family.



Yes, each parent raises their kids differently so some parents are more strict than others. When I was a kid, my mom explained to us children that we had a tough mother and the other moms we saw were easy. She was explaining to us that each parent was different and they had their own rules for their children like I ran into these two girls who were calling my coloring stupid so I told my mother and she explained to me they were using that word because their mother says they could use that word and they prefer real cows, mine was just a cartoon cow because I was giving it different colors. Looking back I wonder if they were both on the spectrum because of how seriously they took my coloring and they kept saying it was stupid because cows down't have different colors, they are brown or black or light brown, not different colors on one body or purple or pink, or red. But my mom explained to me their mother allows them to use the word stupid so they were using it. Mom didn't allow it in her house.

But I was also envious of other kids because they were allowed to be mean to others, get whatever they wanted, got into less trouble because their parents didn't care. I thought I had a strange mother and that there was something wrong with her. I was in my teens when I realized I did not have a strange mother, I just had a good mother who wouldn't let me be mean to others and to treat others with respect. Those were just lazy parents and some kids were just spoiled. Plus it's easier to believe your kids' lies than being the bad guy and dealing with it.


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02 Nov 2016, 12:32 am

Ugh, the words "smart enough to know better" followed me constantly. I grew up considered gifted and lazy because I didn't apply myself.

I still don't know how to officially "apply myself", but my identity is no longer hinged on being the best or earning praise for achievements.

@Hatome:

I agree with how people test boundaries, but I think it develops valuable skills which we can lack locked in black/white thinking. Rules provide a structure, but learning the subtleties about the ways they should be applied is something I still struggle to grasp but recognize.



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09 Nov 2016, 7:56 am

I just remembered another example.

Saying bad things about people
NT kids: Other kids were allowed to insult me and other people in every which way, even some (but not all) swear words, and always got away with it. Nobody corrected them: not other kids, obviously, not even adults on the scene. After a while, I think some kids realized on that I was being held to a higher standard, and in some cases, I was naive enough to tell them that. So they used it as leverage for amplifying the meanness.
Me: I wasn't allowed to say anything even remotely mean about anyone. Even kids who bullied me. Whenever I did, my family would say: "they just wanted to play with you and you didn't understand" or "maybe you should learn to get along with them". The only exception to that were, wait for it... politicians (!). If I called a US president or my state's congressman a mean name, they'd laugh with me or even nod in agreement.
(I "solved" this problem by letting my self-esteem get rock-bottom low, which took me until age 29 to rebuild.)



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09 Nov 2016, 8:40 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Those are good explanations. Most of them had one common theme: "You are their child and the others weren't." And I think my parents really did set higher standards for me than other parents set for their kids, even at the same age. The explanation my parents gave me was: "Because we care about you." Which did only one thing: make me jealous of kids whose parents don't care about them. I've met a handful of such kids, some of whom were even nice to me, and their lives seemed happier than mine.

Oh, and I know someone will mention talking to a therapist about this. I'm way ahead of you: I tried that at age 12. Only my therapist was no help at all! She just looked at me and said: "You felt like your parents were singling you out. You felt discriminated against." And that's it. No advice, no suggestions on asserting myself, nothing. So I just assumed she was telling me to shut up and deal with it, and never talked about it again. After all, she also knew how intelligent I was.

In the end, it seems like the "higher standards" backfired: even being in my 30's, I refuse to ever start a family.


First off, that technique is called reflecting. It doesn't mean that she didn't want you to talk about it anymore! It meant that she was looking for you to speak more about it. You didn't pick up the hint. I'm guessing because aspergers? Anyways, it's suppose to let you feel heard without guiding how you should feel about your parents. That way, you can continue to explore the idea without the counselor's thoughts influencing you. If she added more to it, you would be talking about she feels about your parents doing that instead of how YOU feel about your parents doing that. Pretty common ND/NT mis-understanding. I only catch it because I was trained in the technique.

As for the higher standards, yes. This is not just you. I totally relate. It's a very common problem among children in special education. It's a pretty big issue and there are many, many blog posts on the subject. I was also subjected to way higher standards for behavior than any other students. I was also watched more carefully in school, even thought I did not misbehave anywhere near as much as NT kids. And when I did behave badly, the consequences were often much more severe. NT kids would get a simple punishment. But I was subjected to therapies, home punishments (because of all the home/school communication) and removal of privleges that I loved because of behavior plans. It was very unfair.

In addition to just being mean, this tendency to hold special education children to different standards of behavior has the affect of creating life long social awkwardness. I still have a hard time getting away with anything. I am too rigid. I follow the rules too much. Part of this is aspergers, yes. But another part of this is that I grew up in a world were I was held to rules absolutely. I was not given the gray areas and the chances to be a little deviant sometimes that other kids had.



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09 Nov 2016, 12:19 pm

My two and a half year old is neurotypical. I'm also NT and my husband is an aspie. I'm used to my husband so not always used to the way another NT reacts to things. I don't know if this played into the following story or not.

During Halloween a little girl (another NT) was overtly mean to our son. Wouldn't let him play with her bucket, which was a communal bucket during a communal kid activity. My husband kept telling our son "No" and leading him away from her, since she obviously didn't want to play. Our son cried all night thinking he "hurt the kid" and that's why she was mean to him and he was told no.

It's hard to explain things to kids. You can't control some other kid's sh*t behavior. All you can do is tell your own kid how to act. You certainly can't explain at the time, "That kid is a jerk," when the other kid is standing right there. Then after some hours have gone by, your kid doesn't understand your explanation and only remembers that everyone was mean to him.

ALSO- It very well may be that your NT SIBLINGS were simply better at getting away with things. Aspies are not as good at lying or covering up their misbehavior. They are human and will misbehave like anyone else, but NT kids are very good at manipulating their parents, whereas aspie kids take a while to learn how to lie/cover things up.



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09 Nov 2016, 12:28 pm

I have the opposite situation with regards to my boss. He says one thing for public consumption, but reminds me that what he says doesn't apply to me... I can go ahead and do what he says we don't if I want to. 8O



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09 Nov 2016, 1:11 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
My two and a half year old is neurotypical. I'm also NT and my husband is an aspie. I'm used to my husband so not always used to the way another NT reacts to things. I don't know if this played into the following story or not.

During Halloween a little girl (another NT) was overtly mean to our son. Wouldn't let him play with her bucket, which was a communal bucket during a communal kid activity. My husband kept telling our son "No" and leading him away from her, since she obviously didn't want to play. Our son cried all night thinking he "hurt the kid" and that's why she was mean to him and he was told no.

It's hard to explain things to kids. You can't control some other kid's sh*t behavior. All you can do is tell your own kid how to act. You certainly can't explain at the time, "That kid is a jerk," when the other kid is standing right there. Then after some hours have gone by, your kid doesn't understand your explanation and only remembers that everyone was mean to him.

ALSO- It very well may be that your NT SIBLINGS were simply better at getting away with things. Aspies are not as good at lying or covering up their misbehavior. They are human and will misbehave like anyone else, but NT kids are very good at manipulating their parents, whereas aspie kids take a while to learn how to lie/cover things up.



In 4th grade my mom was trying to explain to me about why other kids get away with breaking rules and I don't. She told me they know when they do it and know when to stop and I swore to god back then there were these invisible lines these kids saw I couldn't see. I always played followed the leader meaning doing things I see other kids do thinking it's okay but I didn't understand it was only okay for that one time or just for that situation. She also told me kids like to test rules so they will wait when an adult isn't around to do it and I couldn't understand why that was testing the rules. How is it testing them if an adult isn't there? They're not there so how would they know you broke them?

Would this be an example of reading social cues the other kids did?

Also does your own autistic child ever test rules?

My mother used to tell me when I was a kid that their parents let them do this or that or their parent is just letting them stay there longer. She also explained to my brothers and I that some kids had easy moms where they get them sweets or the goody stuff in stores and let them have certain things and told us we just have a tough mother while those kids have easy moms. My mom just bought what was on sale and she was frugal and stuff like Trix yogurt and Gushers were too expensive for her to buy. She didn't want to spend the money on that when she could get something else cheaper. Occasionally she would buy goodies from stores and I would always get excited because she was an easy mom that time when really it was because it was on sale so she got it. It was my dad who was easy so my younger brother learned to manipulate that. He would go to the store with him whenever he had to drop of film to get pictures made or when he had to buy paper or ink or something and my brother would get little things like candy. He was a very smart kid. My other brother and I didn't do that and we only did it when we saw him doing it and we would follow. It never dawned on me to try and get away with stuff when my mom isn't around by asking my dad or asking him to get certain things in stores. But yet I was smart enough to wait when my mom wasn't around before doing something she didn't like me doing like peeing in the playhouse or playing with the cushions. She couldn't stop me if she wasn't around but what I didn't know was my dad was hyperfocused and didn't pay attention to us and that he let us get away with things our mom wouldn't let us do so it wasn't like I was being manipulative or sneaky. I didn't even notice any of this until I was in my teens when I realized how much I got away with with my dad around and I never noticed. Plus I would go to school and do stuff there I wouldn't have been able to do at home because I thought that was the way it was at school and it was school behavior and allowed there so it was okay to do so it wasn't like I was being sneaky and testing my limits, I was that literal. I even confessed to my mother I screamed at school when I brought that behavior home one time and then I said "Oh sorry I forget we only do it at school." :lol: Just shows how I didn't know what I was doing.


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09 Nov 2016, 2:10 pm

League_Girl: Yes, that's a good example of reading social cues. The "testing limits" thing is a manner of speech that is misleading. There aren't hard limits to most social behavior. A kid's mom can tell him to share his toys and make sure he shares his toys when she's around. If she's NOT around, he may not share his toys to see what will happen. What happens is that the other kids will decide that this kid is selfish. This is not apparent to a small child. He may not understand that the other kids think he is selfish. Maybe you can see why kids have trouble understanding these kinds of things.

An easier situation to understand is "Don't hit the cat." If a kid hits a cat when no one is around, the cat will hit back, and it will hurt. The kid immediately learns not to hit cats.

My little brother is autistic and is much younger- he was a toddler when I was a teenager. My son is neurotypical. My husband is autistic and I am neurotypical.

My brother did not seem interested in lying or manipulation, even if there was something he really wanted. If he wanted something and it was denied him, he would take it, failing that, just yell and hit. My son will also yell but he will hit HIMSELF because he's noticed how much it upsets my husband. I was on to this little game early and was careful not to react so he rarely does it to me. But I can already tell that he will ramp up his manipulation techniques on my husband because my husband is more vulnerable.

My son does very well with rules. He seems to like the structure and the feedback. It took a LOT for my little brother to notice anything we said or did that was not in line with his own interests and routine. Like for example, he didn't want to wear his seatbelt. Our older brother forced us to sit in a parking lot for over an hour once because our little brother wouldn't wear his seatbelt. Whenever the car started moving he'd take it back off. My older brother would stop the car every single time. This was before cell phones so this was two teenagers our with a four year old who wouldn't talk and wouldn't do what we said. Rough situation. I believe finally I had to strongarm him into the seatbelt and hold it on while our older brother drove. He didn't recognize our authority. Or anyone else's. So that wasn't necessarily "testing" I think as needing a rule to make sense to him before he would follow it.



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09 Nov 2016, 2:41 pm

So you mean I have been taking the testing rules thing too literal and kids don't literally test the rules? That is just a perception to the adults' perspective?


I also didn't like wearing seat belts when I was little because I didn't like the tight feeling so I always took it off. My mom used to say I would fly through the windshield and one day a bug hit the windshield and my mom pointed to it saying "See Beth, this is what happens when you don't wear your seat belt, you will turn into this bug that just got squashed." My eyes went big. My mom had to learn to be visual with me because words had no meaning. I used to just wear the seat belt loose on me so that way I was still wearing the seat belt but it wasn't tight so therefore it wouldn't be hurting me. What a loophole. :lol: I was wearing my seat belt but I wasn't protected unfortunately and good thing I didn't cause my parents to get tickets. If I had, I wouldn't remember.

What do cellphones go to do with this situation?

I thought you had autistic children so did your autistic brother "test his limits" when he was a child? Did your husband "test any limits" when he was a kid do you know?


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Posts: 2,848

09 Nov 2016, 3:20 pm

Yeah, no, I just have the one child! My experience with autistic children is limited to other family members. I do not study children, either. I have read some articles while looking for other things.

I'm not sure, but I think it's worth considering that you're just taking that saying too literally. I don't think it's an accurate saying. But I guess "Let's try being a jerk and see what will happen" isn't as catchy.

We didn't know that my little brother was autistic, so we just figured things out as we went along. If someone had told us (even if he had told us) that his clothes and the seatbelt and stuff were really bothering him it would have saved so many issues for all of us. Doing what you're talking about (explaining visually, loosening the belt) would have been such a great solution.

I have been told that my husband also didn't really obey rules that well. I have gotten the impression that his parents stuck to what was important to them (don't hit your sister, come to church, don't curse) but let others go. Like, they couldn't force him to eat properly, so he ate a lot of junk food rather than starve. And he watched a lot of TV. I think his parents chose to let some things go if he was otherwise behaving.

Some of the people in my husband's family who are autistic, who I knew as teenagers, did not seem to cause any problems. Flew under the radar, I guess. No one was diagnosed as kids. The extended family has chosen not to pursue official diagnoses, except for my husband who got an Asperger's diagnosis.

My nephew has one of the new autism high spectrum diagnoses. He seems to behave kind of like my husband, with a lot of food sensitivities and things he just will not do and no one forces him since it doesn't seem like a huge deal.

So...no, I don't think there's been the manipulation stage there with any of them. A SNEAKING stage definitely. Like a dislike to have people in their business, but not a lying and manipulation deal that I think is common in NT kids.