Feelings.. stress.. er, what?

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Anyone have superior trouble figuring out what they are feeling, if they are feeling and how to react to the feeling? I know this is a hard topic for most of us but.. I just can't seem to grasp the name of it, I can't label it and every time I feel something, anything, it almost always automatically turns into anger or something around that. Even than, it doesn't last long. it comes with a burst, I guess maybe a bit of a meltdown and thats it. Its shallow and rather empty. I remember someone telling me nothing makes you feel better than a good cry and I couldn't grasp this idea because I never really cry and when I do the tears feel like nothing, its not even associated to anything. Sometimes (when things were worse, it hasn't happened for awhile) when I'm doing whatever it is I was doing in a day I'd just start crying and not even really notice until my eyes got a little blurry and I felt wetness on my cheeks or, out of nowhere I'd get fuming angry for maybe a few seconds and than it was gone. The worst thing to figure out is, what do you do with it? I don't know. I mean originally when I was writing this I think I was a litte aggravated but I can't even remember anymore. HA HA HA, My emotional memory is such s**t.

I guess I'm stressed, even if I don't FEEL stressed it would make sense that I would be. Its kind of funny that I have to sit down and analyze my current situation and from there make a judgment on with whats happening now and other observations of my life and myself whether or not I am stressed. I guess maybe I've gotten so used to not having time to feel or not being allowed to work out 'stress' that I've lost complete awareness of when I am stressed? Its all the posibilities of what could go wrong with my life currently as I've just started climbing out from a bad place and I'm probably much more susceptible to falling back into that hole again than most. Maybe I'm being negative but, anyone else get anything like this?

i smoke more if i'm stressed out.

it's a handy indicator.

I've stopped smoking but I've been getting cravings like mad.
I bought a pack, they're kind of laying there.
Every now and than I stare at them.

oh good for you. i don't bother trying to give up any more.

Its a casual thing now, I indulge here and there but I've been CRAVING it so.. I guess there's another stress indicator. Now what the hell do I do about it? LOL. Guess I could make a list of things that might be stressful but a good amount of them are things I can't change, I don't have power over at the moment.

mm aspies need a wall thermometer type of thing to indicate feeling levels. i'm not always sure what i feel. it's a strange thing.

We really do.
I'm sure if I knew more about medical psychology terms I'd be able to explain my thought better but hey, there's probably a difference between how the nervous system reacts to a certain emotion. Could probably come up with some device someday that analyzed the way your mind reacts to things naming how one thing collates to another and thus voila: You are feeling melancholy.

Or something like this. I can picture it but I don't have the technical knowledge to say it in a way that makes applicable sense.

I have to explore another avenue yet on my stress. Recently, from WP actually, I began to think about PTSD. Thought that life as an apie might be the root of it. Found out I had been trying to bury an image. What is so strange about it is I still don't understand why the sight did it to me. But am thinking it was just the catylist to being an aspie to begin with. This DX was just the other day, so, lol, my stress is up there over it. I don't know if I should bury it again and go on, or try to face it. I guess as we explore it further, I might be given some options. That the image will ever go away, no, it won't. But I need to find the coping skills yet. This might be a little off topic, but hey I didn't know about what had happened to me so, I put this here.

As an aspie I hereby swear to be completely oblivious to my emotions and the emotions of those around me and upon confronted wonder how the hell I came to this feeling, what it is and who the hell decided to put this in my programming.

I have PTSD.
As an aspie you figure its often hard to talk about things. Troubles, worries, fears, wants, desires. Its much more hard when they arouse an emotion as for some of us such as myself, are so disconnected and out of touch with their emotions they don't understand how to deal. For me I acted out, got myself into a lot of trouble that just furthered the growth of it.

I have A LOT of experience with "running away" and "burying" things quite literally and metaphorically, DON'T. Can't stress that enough.

Its automatic for me to move on as often when something bothers me I don't even notice until it builds to a point where I crack - I have a very high threshold but it does crack. By that time, I have no idea what started it. Truthfully it was a roll of everything.

I'd say face it, is the only way. Its something I struggle with - something we all do.
I'm.. still trying to figure everything out too. Its hard.

Disconected from emotions, yes, some of them, some that I think I should have (NT hangover) I don't, yet have some for other things that hit me like a 2 ton heavy thing. Now I'm seeing for the very first time that some emotions were put in place by the ptsd and have triggers, both seen and unseen. I can relate to the trouble part, all too well. Self destructive life style being one of them. Past tense on those, but it was just the head of one part of it, I needed to find the roots and coming to WP helped explain an awful lot. Huge gulp of fresh air. See here's the part I don't understand about running away from ptsd, I don't know how to face it correctly. It's causing a huge amount of stress. I can't go back and fix it, I can't wipe the image away, triggers on the news every f*****g day, so I stopped watching the news, didn't work. Just bringing it out in the open, finally admiting what I didn't even know was tramatic, it had just brought it to the surface agian big time. That it had a peaceful feel to it when it happened and was a f*****g nightmare at the same time, is just so hard to understand. When I finally got it out, the session was over and there I sat thnking now what? Give me a f*****g clue how to deal with it. Sure I'll go back and the VA is supposed to be good with this s**t. But man try to get a back to back in the VA and you might as well pound your head against the wall. yeah that threshold is pretty high for the major break down, but they're coming, it's almost like the f*****g thousand yard stare, the lack of emotion thing. It has created havac in my life and I do know, just because I hadn't a clue what had happened, it wasn't addressed faster, that's not good. I do know some is going to be a grin and bare it. I just feel so f*****g deserted right now. I didn't know where to turn and here you are. At least I can cry as I write this and maybe that's a good thing. maybe that's what I have to learn to do over time. Maybe that's feeling again. I don't know. But I do remember the self destruction and no why in hell am I going to let it drag me back down that path. Some how I'm a survivor, I don't understand it, but I guess I am. f*****g ironic I survived and they didn't and it wasn't even my fault. I just don't know if I cry for them or for me, maybe both, I just don't know. Mean while I'll gulp down a few valium and wait it out till the next meeting I guess.


But christ thanks for being there. Thanks for some tears. And, lol, just rereading that garble, what a disjointed ramble. Thanks for the vent.

Think I've been having one of those aHa!! moments for a while. Think I was looking at AS for the reason for PTSD. Think it came as a shock that it had a trigger that wasn't AS. Think AS was the set up, it may have happened on it's own, I don't know. As I went through the above ramble I cryed and ended it with a wonder, who or what I was cring about. Thinking it was for the event and I think it was. When I walked into the kitchen later, it hit again. This time I knew why I was crying. I was crying because a heavy burden had been lifted, maybe only part, I don't know yet. But it was a big part of that burden. I was crying becasue you were there, I wasn't alone anymore. I connected, I had a real emotion. I have emotions. I really have emotions. I didn't think I did, I had buried them that day. I'll never meet you in the flesh and I have no idea the whys of your PTSD. But you're there and I'm not alone. I'm not alone anymore.

Damn I'm drained and have a headache. Just sinuses messed up, probably haven't used them much before. This drain doesn't feel as hallow. I know this is no miracle cure, but it's a start someplace, it seems to have a direction at least. That's big comfort. It sure could have gotten worse, but I think this way, will be a little better.

I have no idea if that makes any sense to anybody. It does to me. I debated, but not for long, if I should even post it. I did, that's pretty clear. It might be a help to someone else, it sure was for me. I have no idea where this is going to lead. But by god I'm going down this road. WTF they going to do if I don't? Draft me? Been to hell and I'm coming back.


agentcyclosarin, I owe you one brother. I'm always there.

My PTSD is something I too have to deal with daily. I honestly don't know all the triggers yet either or how to face them. A lot is against me in this area, I'm sure this is true for a lot of us though.

If you need to talk it out sometime give me a shout, I'm not a professional psychologist but I find when someone is just there while you sort things out yourself and just pitches in a few words of reason or things you might be missing - helps a lot. Someone to bring in a few different view points here and there, give you a bit of insight when you're a bit too wrapped up in one idea.

Personally, I'd rather that than 'compassion' but thats just me.


I myself, I'm really guarded but we may have some common ground.
Good luck in this, you don't owe me anything.

Pity is unhealthy for me, I won't take it, but I do take Mastercard

HAHA, I don't pity my friend. I'm almost insulted to figure someone would think I'd stop thinking about myself for a second or two to sucker up to some guy I don't know out of pity. Lol, those types of thins don't happen with me so fret not.

Unfortunately I don't have a mastercard but I do have some JD and pretzels.

Gotta pass on the JD, me and the alcohol parted company a time ago. I hear the pretzels can get stuck in your throat while watching football games, so I dunno. Sounds pretty dangerous to me. How about I bring some kona coffee and muffins?

Hells yes. Muffins it is.