Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

there is not someone for everyone

Page 8 of 9 [ 141 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

19 Feb 2017, 3:54 pm

auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?


We had classes like that. It was called Personal and Social Development. Bearing in mind this was 20 years ago, I don't remember much about the classes, but I do remember one where we had sheets of A3 paper and we had to write out compliments and insults and discuss how they affected other people. Another class was on stereotypes and how men and women are perceived. Another one was about being proactive and what that means and how to set goals.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,740
Location: the island of defective toy santas

19 Feb 2017, 3:57 pm

hurtloam wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?


We had classes like that. It was called Personal and Social Development. Bearing in mind this was 20 years ago, I don't remember much about the classes, but I do remember one where we had sheets of A3 paper and we had to write out compliments and insults and discuss how they affected other people. Another class was on stereotypes and how men and women are perceived. Another one was about being proactive and what that means and how to set goals.

I suspect this is not commonly done on this side of the Atlantic, to our national detriment.



HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

19 Feb 2017, 3:59 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?

Personal hygiene is a fine self-care skill.
You might be one of the lucky ones that either was taught that or enjoy the biopsychosocial privilege to know how.

IME it is unfortunately not a given for all people on the spectrum. It is a spectrum after all.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,740
Location: the island of defective toy santas

19 Feb 2017, 4:14 pm

I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.



RetroGamer87
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,970
Location: Adelaide, Australia

19 Feb 2017, 4:17 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?


As a hetero woman, her dating experience had been very different. Would you want a piano teacher who'd only ever played the violin?


_________________
The days are long, but the years are short


HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

19 Feb 2017, 4:20 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.


As long as you live you can learn.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,123

19 Feb 2017, 4:23 pm

It would be great if a teacher would show everyone all the ways a girl throws hints that she is interested. And how reciprocation is done.



HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

19 Feb 2017, 4:35 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?


As a hetero woman, her dating experience had been very different. Would you want a piano teacher who'd only ever played the violin?


Not sure what you mean. You are a gay male?

Imo one can always learn from others. The gender of the teacher is imo irrelevant.

Being curious is getting one step closer to vulnerability.

Of course some people can have a more rigid take and see fault in everything that doesn't perfectly fit their expectations (often seen in ASD). What you describe can seem that way: because of the teacher's gender and your assumptions about her dating life (how do you know for sure she was heterosexual or even always female?) you dismiss the opportunity to learn?

Such rigidity and dismissal stand in the way of learning any of the skills above.
I know it did in my case.



HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

19 Feb 2017, 4:44 pm

BTDT wrote:
It would be great if a teacher would show everyone all the ways a girl throws hints that she is interested. And how reciprocation is done.


That sounds like a tall order.

Even if you can read the hints, there are so many ways one can reciprocate. Some ways could be a fit with you and others won't be.
Dealing with rejection even when you have done everything by the book, is another skill.

When it comes to ASD a personal counselor is lots more useful than some generalization.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Feb 2017, 4:48 pm

Context is of the utmost importance.

A wink can mean one thing one moment, and something totally different the next moment.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,740
Location: the island of defective toy santas

19 Feb 2017, 4:51 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.


As long as you live you can learn.

being slow to learn, it comes a LOT harder. same for retaining what has been learnt.



RetroGamer87
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,970
Location: Adelaide, Australia

19 Feb 2017, 4:52 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
Personal hygiene is a fine self-care skill. 
You might be one of the lucky ones that either was taught that or enjoy the biopsychosocial privilege to know how.

That means I'm privileged?

Awesome! I love being privileged!


_________________
The days are long, but the years are short


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,740
Location: the island of defective toy santas

19 Feb 2017, 4:54 pm

privileged in that it means one at least is not in the underclass [homeless].



HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

19 Feb 2017, 5:10 pm

auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.


As long as you live you can learn.

being slow to learn, it comes a LOT harder. same for retaining what has been learnt.


I totally get that, happens to me too. It sucks.

Still even very very slow learning is still learning ;)
One should dare to be one's biggest cheerleader though :lol:



RetroGamer87
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,970
Location: Adelaide, Australia

19 Feb 2017, 6:45 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.


As long as you live you can learn.

being slow to learn, it comes a LOT harder. same for retaining what has been learnt.


I totally get that, happens to me too. It sucks.

Still even very very slow learning is still learning ;)
One should dare to be one's biggest cheerleader though :lol:
Same. I learn slow too. I'm behind but I feel like it's impossible to catch up while going at half speed. As I get older I get further and further behind my peers.


_________________
The days are long, but the years are short


HelloSweetie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2016
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 229

20 Feb 2017, 4:49 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Same. I learn slow too. I'm behind but I feel like it's impossible to catch up while going at half speed. As I get older I get further and further behind my peers.


I so get that! And I am much older than you :lol:

What I have learned: letting go of comparing myself to others is another crucial step toward learning. Comparison takes a lot of effort and space in my head. I rather spend that time learning how to be more myself (aka authenticity).

It is a daily practice, it takes time and effort to just be me. Each time I catch even of glimpse of calm, I am grateful and proud of myself :heart: