Husband late diagnosis at age 42/Intimacy

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Hi everyone. This may not be the forum for this and if there is a more appropriate place to post this, please direct me. I am an NT spouse of an Aspie husband that was just officially diagnosed with high functioning ASD. We were married 8 months ago and have been together nearly 3 years. Intimacy/sex has been an issue from the start, and not surprising from what I have read on how difficult it can be for those with AS. There seems to be no info out there on how to help those with AS feel comfortable with intimacy and sex when their sexual past has been generally a nightmare. He is plagued with anxiety (because sex has gone so wrong in his past marriages/relationships). He was a late bloomer and never knew really what to do (and seemed to be openly criticized for that). He wants to be a better lover and I want to be able to relieve his anxiety. From an AS point of view, are there things I can do that would help him be comfortable and open about what he does/doesn't like (touch, odor, texture, etc)? I have already discussed that I don't expect him to conform to the stereo-typical lovemaking seen in movies, etc. He is unique and I am understanding of his Aspie-ness. Because of that, I don't want to make him feel pressured or anxious. Tips anyone? TIA for any light anyone can shed for us. Our marriage is pretty great other than the big elephant in the room called "intimacy".

If you think of intimacy like any situation where your partner would become stressed and feel required to compensate socially, it might make it simpler. Not being "normal" in any social situation(intimacy being one of the rough ones of those) can feel like being "undercover" like in a spy movie. It's a - you have to be hyper vigilant or you "die" - kind of feeling. Being/living on a "normal" social undercover mission is exhausting.

If you both can come in from the social mission mindset and he can allow himself to give up compensating socially for a moment (not easy), real intimacy is possible. And intimacy is not always sexual. At the beginning when we are young, uninformed and inexperienced, as well as when we are old, intimacy is typically more sensual than sexual. See if you can go there. A good question is, "What are you up for?" No pun intended.

Typically a person who is AS and has tried to form intimate relationships has gone through a cycle once or many times of presenting his/her "best normal self" to someone they are interested in, in ordered to be liked and accepted. Next they may become emotionally close and later this can lead toward intimacy. It is then that the AS person may begin to reveal more of who they authentically are and experience rejection as a result.

Even the kindest NTs will find some part of a AS person's authentic self challenging, frustrating or irritating. It's why we compensate and exhaust ourselves trying. If your husband was just diagnosed recently as an adult, he's been undercover a long time. Those long social missions are particularly exhausting. Allow him to unwind from that and use the regenerative tools he most likely has developed to decompensate in peace. Maybe he will take you there. Have fun. Laugh at failure, it is inevitable. Try again. That is very intimate.

That was an amazing reply, thank you for taking the time! I have been thinking along the same lines. I told him that I don't want to put him in a situation during intimacy that would cause him anxiety. I admitted that I was wrong to try to get him to relax enough to be intimate the only way I knew. I suggested that he take time to think about what intimacy/sex means to him by removing the stereotypical visions/expectations; To let the images and/or feelings come to mind that appeal to him, and when he is ready let me know what he wants, at the times he wants it. I let him know he can trust me to not judge him. I made the correlation that I understand those with AS have a different way of looking at things than a NT. So, sex to him may look completely different than what sex looks like to me. I encouraged him to feel free to make suggestions based on how he feels, without worrying about whether it is the norm or that it might turn me off, etc. He was very open to that, although, I am not sure he has any idea right now of what he would tell me. I also put out there that I understand that he might very well just be comfortable with the affection/snuggling that he is very good at, and we would make that work. I guess the good part for me is that he did not want to give up on making intimacy/sex work with us. I have never been in this situation before. I have never loved someone this deeply to want to completely start from scratch and re-learn intimacy. I am having a tough time being patient, but I have hung in there all this time and really want things to work. I know his "authentic self" now. Yes, he makes me crazy on a daily basis. But he is like no one I have ever known and that intrigues me. He has studied me and knows me better than I know myself. He makes me laugh and is my best friend. These are all positives to build on. I am still open to tips and info from those with AS in regards to how intimacy does/doesn't work for them.

"He studied me and knows me better than I know myself." Compare that with the question about love at the end of Temple Grandin's TED Talk Different Kinds of Minds. She was asked by a parent if her child loved her. Grandin's answer was, "If your house was on fire, you can be sure your child would get you out". That is very accurate in terms of how spectrum many As people tend to love, but all are different.

I say this because your take on his "studying" may not be exactly emotionally accurate. He may not study you out of the same kind of loving that you might feel in the same circumstance reversed.